MVW Presents: Minch's Summer of Love: Chapter 1

Prologue: I Don't Want To Do This...

What I do here with this blog is easy. I make pop culture jokes about stupid things and stupid people, photoshop in some pics, Zooey Deschanel reference and done! All while treating it like a TV show. I get accolades from my friends and family who read it, and life is good. There is no logical reason to, even temporarily, change the format of this here blog...


That's why I am. I read once, "Adventure lies right outside your comfort zone." I have no idea who said that, so let's all agree it was Carl Winslow. Carl said it to Judy Winslow right before they shipped her off to Hogwarts or whatever the hell the excuse was for her leaving the show. I've gotten off track. I've decided that this summer, I would use this blog to document my adventures in the world of dating.

This decision did not come easy. Could this subject matter be funny and not desperate? There's no guarantee of a happy ending (wakka) or closure. I usually play this sort of subject matter very close to the vest, and in a stunning turn of events this would, as the kids say, "put my shit on blast." I decided, I would have to consult the Minch vs. the World Board of Advisors...

Dr. Cornel West, former Red Sox coach Terry Francona, Bill Murray, and Ke$ha

Three out of four agreed with the idea. Honestly I didn't get a straight vote out of Ke$ha, as she was too busy vomiting glitter and Wild Turkey. So here we go. An average Joe's tale of the dating scene, as told by his trusty blog. It'll be like Sex and City for dudes. (You mean like Entourage?) Kind of, only much poorer, and everyone looks like Turtle Season 1.

You Have To Put Yourself Out There...

Honestly, I don't even know what the hell that means, short of a sandwich board reading, "I'm Single, Line Up Ladies!" Wait a minute... Nah, I couldn't find a sandwich board at this hour. Part of the trouble is, I'm not the guy who goes up to a girl in the bar. Part of this is sheepishness. The other part is that if there is even a hint of single girl in the bar, there are at least 4-5 other guys circling around her like sharks. Guys with V-Necks and muscles. I'm no match against these guys, it's like Hulk versus Cookie Monster. So I say hell with it and move on to the only real guarantee there is at a bar, sweet delicious booze!

So, in order to "Put Myself Out There" I have invested in a dating site. No not, "Black People Meet Dot Com" but boy that was a delightful joke on my part. One of the pay sites. No not "Christian Mingle." I was marked a heathen halfway into setting up my profile. In my defense, this was one of the questions.

True or False: Evolution is a bunch of hogwash:

__ True 

__ I worship at the altar of Satan 

Perhaps the biggest problem with dating sites is the first message sent. Do I want to just send a, "Hey how's it going? or a message that says, "Hi I read your profile and here's proof!" Should I just focus on one section so it seems like I did the reading. (Sorry, every teacher I've ever had...ever)

 Also, this has the option of "Winking" at someone. I don't know, that comes off maybe just little tiny bit uber creepy. Winking is best left to guys with comb overs and mustaches. Not to mention Subject Lines, which apparently "Hello Miss Lady" is a bad one. Also, once you start actually talking to someone, what's the appropriate amount of time before you try to arrange a date? Wait too long, you lose her. Ask too quickly, you're deemed a murderer...

Aww, this sucks, I'm going back to my fake marriage with Zooey Deschanel, where we live in a musty house filled with crap clutter, and she constantly asks her phone if it's raining...

No, sigh, I'll soldier on...


So this is where we leave Chapter One. Feel free to share this sucker with your Facebook Twitters, and your Pinterest Instagrams. Also, you're welcome to chime in with any advice, as long as it isn't stupid.

Here goes nothing...
Minch
 

  

Episode 534: All Good Things

Using a combination of dark magic, science, and the Tesseract, I have manage to obtain an MVW from the future. While there is no exact date given, it does say that it's "20 years after we defeated the Space Nazis" Let's sit back and enjoy.
-Modern Day Minch 


I have made a decision. I want to write my memoir. I'm sure you youngsters are too busy with your flying cars, robot girlfriends, and Virtual Morgan Freeman App, but dammit that won't stop me from writing it all the same. I'll be damned if I'm going to have some (Irwin R.) Shyster book company make a profit off of my story, so I am going to tell it right here.

To think it all started with a Tweet. One night, I was all strung out on Wild Blue lager and Little Caesar's pizza when I decided it was time for my weekly trolling of NBC's Twitter account.

"@NBC Hey Assholes! way to cancell communtuity I hope you go to hell fart bags. Screw You Jack Donaghy. I could make better TV with my ass. You people sho"

...and that's where I ran out of characters. In my defense, there were a great deal of people who were upset that Community got cancelled, although after 7 years had passed most had gotten over it. Not me. That's why I sent that tweet.

There's a few things you should know about NBC at the time. They had invested so much into shows like "The Voice: Los Angeles" and "America's Next Top Racist" that every show was a spinoff of another. "Law and Order: Extra Special Victims Unit" was the tipping point. Times had grown so desperate for the Peacock that a drunken tweet actually counted as a pitch meeting. I was immediately flown to New York City.

I wanted to make a show based on this blog called, "Minch vs the World," but unfortunately we were immediately sued by Michael Cera. Everyone else involved in the Scott Pilgrim movie was perfectly okay with our title, but Cera kept being a dick. So we settled on changing the name and the court awarded Cera $20 in Bahama Breeze gift cards. I suspect that's all he wanted in the first place.

So "Minch" was born. A weekly episodic comedy about a guy who works at a movie theater and has wacky adventures. It starred me as me, and Wayne Knight as...no one in particular, just a guy, a random guy who bared no resemblance to anyone living or dead. In fact his name was Ralph...

    
The show was an instant hit. We won three Nickelodeon Kids Choice awards including, "Best Show Our Parents Wont Let Us Watch." I was out of town that night so I had my old friend Maslyn accept the award. When he hit the podium, he was slimed. That night turned tragic as a hunk of slime got caught in his windpipe, and he died. Sometimes I think it should have been me, but I'm damn glad it wasn't...

Who am I kidding? He's in Hell...

That wasn't the only trouble. Shortly after, the ratings started to dip and we had to begin making cheap "shark jumping" moves...

After all these years, I have no idea what this episode was about.

And then it happened. I received the cease and desist order I had known was coming for ages. Zooey Deschanel was taking me to court. This was not unexpected as I had mentioned her in every single episode for six years. What was unexpected was that court date leading to coffee date and that coffee date leading to a wedding date, and two wonderful kids. We made an agreement that we would have two, that way each of us could focus our own parenting style on one, and see who was better. By virtue of a coin toss (I cheated) I was in charge of our first child, our daughter Vanekessa Pegula Minch

My little angel.

One year later, we had our boy, who Zooey was in charge of: Joffrey Alabaster Minch.

Sigh, he wears skinny jeans and won't shut up about Arcade Fire

 Meanwhile, The show seemed headed for certain doom. We started losing ground to Fox's "So You Want To Play Russian Roulette." We need to make a major move. That major move was in the form of a CGI Alien named Bleezurp...

While the Boston Globe called the move, "Effin' Retaaahhhded!" It was just dumb enough to make the American people come back and watch. "Minch" lasted for ten seasons and lead to this...

MY MOVIE CAREER!!!

End of Chapter 1.

  

Thanks for reading. Be sure to Click the links below to share this nonsense with your Facebook and Twitter friends. Thanks for the Support. See you in Season 2!!!

Minch 

Episode 33: Something to Avenge

I'm not going to spend this episode gushing over The Avengers. Part of me wants to, but given the notes I receive that MvW needs to be more "girl friendly" I'll pass. Though I will tell you, this past weekend was a giant pain in the ass at the Movie House, though I'm pretty sure you guessed that already.

Summer is just about here, and I figured I would use this episode to give you folks ideas on how to spend the king of all seasons. Here's a segment I'm calling...

  
One of my favorite things to during the... wait. That can't be right. It's too early...

SON OF A BITCH!!! MOTHER'S DAY IS SUNDAY

This summer crap is going to have to wait. I have to figure out a present. As previously discussed on MvW, Fran doesn't like things. I can't get a bad present, because that will only vindicate my position of being her 8th favorite (of three kids.) I'm like the Jon Snow of the family, despite being a blood relative. I have to think of something now, let me check my Pinterest account for ideas. 

Pinterest User: MinchyMoo46 has pinned the following pics-

American Heroes

Proof that God Loves us and wants us to be happy...

Non-negotiable Wedding plan

Dammit, none of this is helping. She never watches the DVD's I get her, (I mean, who doesn't love Star Man?) I'm pretty sure the leather bound "Minch Vs. The World Companion Book" I got her for Christmas is being used to paper train Daisy the Dog. When the hell did it become bad form to give macaroni art as a present? Granted I used to cook the macaroni before---I was a confused little kid. It used to be so easy. I used to be so good at making presents for Mother's Day. Look at this card I made...

See isn't that nice?

Okay, granted it's from 3 years ago, but still nice.

Wait a tic, I've got it! I have the perfect idea. Is Gold Circle still in business? Regardless, I can't go into details yet, because occasionally my Mom reads this, I think out of spite. I kid, I kid. Happy Mothers Day everybody. Feel Free to share this with your friends and kin over on the social media by clicking the links below. Oh and if you didn't get the joke, there was never going to be a Summer Fun bit...

Minch

END OF THE EPISODE TEASER STINGER
I am very excited to announce that I am joining up as a member of the bullpen over at Eat Your Serial. I will be doing a monthly pop culture blog over there titled "Minch's Pop Tarts" What cool is everybody who is doing this was doing their own thing, and are now working together to make something even cooler. If only there was some relevant and topical thing I could compare it to...wakka. I don't know where I fit in exactly as I have Captain America's stout sense of patriotism, Iron Man's drinking habits, Hulk's anger management issues, Hawkeye's preference for redheads, and of course, I'm from Asgard. Check them out over at http://eatyourserial.com/  Fun fact, I'm the only one with a profile picture that makes me look like an asshole...