Episode 534: All Good Things

Using a combination of dark magic, science, and the Tesseract, I have manage to obtain an MVW from the future. While there is no exact date given, it does say that it's "20 years after we defeated the Space Nazis" Let's sit back and enjoy.
-Modern Day Minch 


I have made a decision. I want to write my memoir. I'm sure you youngsters are too busy with your flying cars, robot girlfriends, and Virtual Morgan Freeman App, but dammit that won't stop me from writing it all the same. I'll be damned if I'm going to have some (Irwin R.) Shyster book company make a profit off of my story, so I am going to tell it right here.

To think it all started with a Tweet. One night, I was all strung out on Wild Blue lager and Little Caesar's pizza when I decided it was time for my weekly trolling of NBC's Twitter account.

"@NBC Hey Assholes! way to cancell communtuity I hope you go to hell fart bags. Screw You Jack Donaghy. I could make better TV with my ass. You people sho"

...and that's where I ran out of characters. In my defense, there were a great deal of people who were upset that Community got cancelled, although after 7 years had passed most had gotten over it. Not me. That's why I sent that tweet.

There's a few things you should know about NBC at the time. They had invested so much into shows like "The Voice: Los Angeles" and "America's Next Top Racist" that every show was a spinoff of another. "Law and Order: Extra Special Victims Unit" was the tipping point. Times had grown so desperate for the Peacock that a drunken tweet actually counted as a pitch meeting. I was immediately flown to New York City.

I wanted to make a show based on this blog called, "Minch vs the World," but unfortunately we were immediately sued by Michael Cera. Everyone else involved in the Scott Pilgrim movie was perfectly okay with our title, but Cera kept being a dick. So we settled on changing the name and the court awarded Cera $20 in Bahama Breeze gift cards. I suspect that's all he wanted in the first place.

So "Minch" was born. A weekly episodic comedy about a guy who works at a movie theater and has wacky adventures. It starred me as me, and Wayne Knight as...no one in particular, just a guy, a random guy who bared no resemblance to anyone living or dead. In fact his name was Ralph...

    
The show was an instant hit. We won three Nickelodeon Kids Choice awards including, "Best Show Our Parents Wont Let Us Watch." I was out of town that night so I had my old friend Maslyn accept the award. When he hit the podium, he was slimed. That night turned tragic as a hunk of slime got caught in his windpipe, and he died. Sometimes I think it should have been me, but I'm damn glad it wasn't...

Who am I kidding? He's in Hell...

That wasn't the only trouble. Shortly after, the ratings started to dip and we had to begin making cheap "shark jumping" moves...

After all these years, I have no idea what this episode was about.

And then it happened. I received the cease and desist order I had known was coming for ages. Zooey Deschanel was taking me to court. This was not unexpected as I had mentioned her in every single episode for six years. What was unexpected was that court date leading to coffee date and that coffee date leading to a wedding date, and two wonderful kids. We made an agreement that we would have two, that way each of us could focus our own parenting style on one, and see who was better. By virtue of a coin toss (I cheated) I was in charge of our first child, our daughter Vanekessa Pegula Minch

My little angel.

One year later, we had our boy, who Zooey was in charge of: Joffrey Alabaster Minch.

Sigh, he wears skinny jeans and won't shut up about Arcade Fire

 Meanwhile, The show seemed headed for certain doom. We started losing ground to Fox's "So You Want To Play Russian Roulette." We need to make a major move. That major move was in the form of a CGI Alien named Bleezurp...

While the Boston Globe called the move, "Effin' Retaaahhhded!" It was just dumb enough to make the American people come back and watch. "Minch" lasted for ten seasons and lead to this...

MY MOVIE CAREER!!!

End of Chapter 1.

  

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Minch