Episode 45: Yule Shoot Your Eye Out!

So yeah, a couple of things happened since Episode 44. I'm no fool, I know why you're here, so let's talk about the big news first...

I WENT TO THE BILLS GAME!!!!

It was a cold and gray morning as we loaded up Fran's SUV and headed to scenic Orchard Park NY to watch the Buffalo Bills take on the St. Louis Rams in "The Battle of Flickering Playoff Hopes Bowl." The only slight trouble was that we parked and subsequently tailgated in a swamp. As you can imagine, we set up a pretty fine tailgate for ourselves, burgers, dogs, deer steaks, and beer...plenty of beer. Drink now, because beer becomes $8.50 when you enter Ralph Wilson's house. 

The scene before a Bills game is fascinating. There's a fleeting sense of hope in the air, plenty of breakfast beer, and several pairs of ironically worn Zubaz pants. I would never show up to a sporting event wearing something so ghastly and foolish...

Oh shut up, picture of me taken in Wes Anderson style...

Naturally, upon entering the stadium, it started to rain/hail, painting a lovely and relevant backdrop for the depressing scene that was about to take place. The Bills lost in a heart breaker, and I was left wishing even harder that the NHL lockout would finally end. Like every asshole with a camera phone, I took a picture of the field, but you know what it looks like, so who cares. As it usually does, the parking lot turned into a post apocalyptic wasteland. Open fires, lost children, a dog with one leg, and people realizing the irony is dead and they just look silly in their 90's Bills hat with the Tasmanian Devil on it. (coughMEcough)

Well that's it for this one...Wakka Wakka

Every since the onset of "Event X," I made a vow to "bring this franchise back to its winning ways." I would use the shake up of moving back home to shake up more elements in my life to eventually better myself. So when an old friend by the name of Sean Devine came to me and said that Allstate was hiring, I realized there has never been a better time to make a move.  Selling insurance is unlike anything I've done before, but if I didn't believe that I could do it, and do it well, I would have said no thank you.

The whole process, even still, doesn't seem real. I knew I had both Sean and movie house refugee/dear friend John Izzo, who has been with the branch since the first brick was laid, pulling for me with the boss, but at the end of the day, I was the one being interviewed. I was the one who had to knock it out of the park. I present to you a fictional dramatization of how the interview went. 

(There exist better, more important Ortiz homer clips, but this is the only one I could find that was an actual broadcast and not some asshole with a camera phone.) 

So here we are. My last day at the Movie House will be Thursday, December 27th. I can't thank John and Sean enough for their help. I intend on having my exit be subtle, classy, and without much fan fare. Though if someone wants to get me a present, a framed poster of myself in the style of the Obama "Hope" poster would do quite nicely. I have a couple of weeks to figure out a clever new way to describe the new job, because I must admit, I kinda love it when I hear others say, "Movie House." Since it's Allstate, it's important that I include both Pedro Cerrano and Dennis Duffy, my two new bosses...

     

2013 is shaping up to be a great year...

Today is the first of a one-two punch of Minch brand writing material! Tomorrow, (12/19/12) there will be a brand new Christmas themed, "Minch's Pop Tarts" over at Eat Your Serial!!! I mean it's not there right this minute, but go over there now and read some of the other great stuff they have. As always, thanks for reading.

Minch

Episode 44: Too Early For A Christmas Title...

I've always been a big believer in not counting your chickens before they are hatched. It's the skeptic in me. I don't care if my team is up by fifty runs, goals, points, or whatever the unit of measurement is in Quidditch, I am not confident in a win until 20 minutes after the game is over. In the spirit of that notion, I tell you I'm sitting on a couple of items that if carried out will bring the Mike Minch franchise back to it's winning ways! But that's all I can say now...

Thanks for reading, be sure to share this with.....

I kid, I kid, I have stuff to talk about.

First off, for those of you wondering, "Blackout Wednesday" was more like "Go out on a busy bar night with friends, have some beers, laughs, and return home at a reasonable hour Wednesday." Not even a Brownout Wednesday. Maturity!!!! Alyssa over at Chocolate is my life was hoping for a wild and crazy blog recap filled with stories of me fighting a biker gang, crashing a wedding, setting a Buick on fire. Instead, there's just this photo of some handsome bastards...

"We're not that drunk! We're not that drunk!"

 A funny thing happened last week. You see, I have one of those Twitter accounts (@mrminch) It's a lot like Facebook, only not horrible. I primarily use my account for one liner jokes, and blog promotion. I generally am against using it to try to get celebrities and/or other well known folk to respond or ReTweet. Though I will admit occasionally mentioning Michael Caine in a tweet, because if you're going to whore out your Twitter account, go for the gold standard.

Last week I made a quick joke about the show 1600 Penn. NBC has been running the ads for this for awhile.

I let my inner bitterness over Community being pushed back, and NBC airing The Voice five nights a week get the best of me...

The RT above it is pretty spot on too

 A few hours and Evan Williams/Diet Cokes later I received a response...

from Mike Royce the show runner from 1600 Penn. He took the time to appeal to a smart ass from Upstate New York with a scant 200+ followers. Especially given that if my joke was taken literally, it suggested he should be put to death...(pulls at collar, gulps loudly) So as you can see from my response to him. I have given my word to give the show a shot. Maybe you can too. If more show runners would be willing to personally appeal to me, I would be more willing to watch their shows, except for Big Bang Theory, I'm not going to watch that shit...

Well I'm off to go film a thing with Maslyn, you remember him, he did this...

I'm sworn to secrecy on the nature of the project, but I will say that it may or may not be a shot for shot remake of "Stop or My Mom Will Shoot." 

Hey did you read Episode 43?  How about my Thanksgiving Pop Tart over at Eat Your Serial? Oh yeah, well what are they about? See, I knew it. Go catch up. Thanks for reading.

Oh Mr. Royce, if you actually accepted my invite to read this nonsense, then perhaps I could ask one more minor favor of you. Could you ask Bill Pullman if he actually got to meet Randy Quaid, and if so, what was he like in real life? I have a lot of people over here that want to know. Thanks, and good luck with the show!

Minch



  

Episode 43: And You Smell Like One Too.

...it's over. It's finally over. Four days, well over 6,000 people, but as I punched out at 7:30 (I was out at 6) last night I could say to myself that I have worked my last Twilight opening weekend. Any type of celebration over this is tempered by the fact that it's only because they aren't making anymore Twilight movies, and not a change in employment. That is until they churn out the remakes, but I think by that point my boss will be a human head on top of a robot.

Did you Twi-hards like the new movie?

--Just kidding, I don't care. Just like you couldn't care less whether or not I liked Moonrise Kingdom, the new Wes Anderson joint (I loved it.) Yeah I know, you haven't heard of it.

Moving on...

"Me Time" The very phrase conjures up images of fabric softener commercials where a housewife can finally get a moment to relax because she used Tide instead Era. A moment she uses to eat ice cream and watch her stories.

(Daytime Television Side Note: Did you know they gave Steve Harvey a Talk Show? Like a Dr. Phil type one, where he's helping people. Hasn't anybody seen "Johnson Family Vacation" He shouldn't be helping anyone...)

Anyways, ever since Event X (see last episode) I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "Me Time." Specifically, taking the little extra money I can save as a result of this, and going somewhere I have never been. I've always been kind of iffy on the concept of traveling alone, then I realized it's ridiculous hang ups like this that have prevented me from doing things. Who gives a shit, really? Also, I'm not going to stay in a hostel, so the likelihood of me being murdered goes down by at least 60%.

My travel ideas have ranged from

Modest: Canadian weekend leading to the Bills/Seahawks game in Toronto

Slightly more ambitious: Going to DC to see the Presidential Inauguration

Ambitious: Going to see my pals who live in Colorado.

Really Ambitious: Europe-specifically London.  

 Also, I've never been to New York City. I catch shit for that one all of the time. Years ago, and I have probably blogged about this before, but I don't have the strength to rifle through old ones to find out, I crafted a list of places I wanted to travel to before I'm thirty. Given that that happens in April, I'm going to get an incomplete on that assignment, though I did knock Chicago off that list. I keep talking about using Event X to better myself and what's better than the life enriching act of travel, and the potential of finally being able to try foie gras.

Finally, it has come to my attention that I've been doing this blog for just about a year. I know this because early on I was talking about "Blackout Wednesday: Occupy Paddys." Now it's that time of the year again. Blackout Wednesday is two days away and I'm not even sure what I'm doing yet! Dammit, I'm off my game. In honor of last year, I resubmit to you the logo Topeck made for BOW: OP 

 
Anyways, I'm still having a hard time figuring out how to scam earn money and free stuff off my blog. Other people do with their blogs. I bring this up so it doesn't take you all by surprise when I change the blog's name to "Sam Adams Boston Brick Red Ale Presents: Minch vs. the World" As always, thanks for reading. Feel free to share this by discussing it in the chat section of Words with Friends or whatever means are most convenient.

Happy Thanksgiving
Minch  
  

Episode 42: Where the hell have you been?

Before addressing the titular question at hand, I would be an absolute jerk (a big handsome jerk) if I didn't begin with a hearty thanks to all the veterans out there. I have many friends who have served (or are serving) as well as an Uncle who was in the Navy. Both of my Grandfathers served, I told a few Grandpa military stories in Episode 20: Inch by Inch We Win With Minch For all of you great folks, I offer this salute.

Okay so I realize it's been a long time since my last blog. Truthfully, I've known what this was going to be about for while, I've just been wrapped up in how I want to address it. You see loyal blog readers, since the last episode, (kind of during the last episode) shit went down. Simply put, the bottom fell out of my living situation and I was forced to move. Don't worry gang, I'm fine and in no foreseeable legal trouble (So the "When Minch Ends Up in Jail Pool" is still very much intact.) This story is not about what happened, as much as it's about what happens next...

So where did you move to?

Dammit, I was hoping you wouldn't ask that. Well, let me begin by telling you about the movie house business. You see, my employment there has done a moderate job of covering the financial bases, even enough to have a little something extra to spend on bourbon and Amerks tickets. Of course, if something shitty pops up (car trouble, parking ticket, birthdays) I find myself on a diet of ramen noodles and frozen pizza. For the past couple of years, I've been walking the fiscal tightrope really well. My car inspection is up in April, when I get my tax money (genius, I know). All things have been in order.

What the movie house doesn't allow its employees to do is save money. So if something MAJOR comes up, like say the previously mentioned "Event X" (oh yeah, I'm going with that as a title) one finds themselves shit outta luck, and without many options. With no extra money saved for a security deposit or enough time to find new digs, I had one option, and I took it. I'm back home.

    








I understand that first and foremost I should be thankful that I have a place to stay after "Event X" and that 98% of my concerns and reservations about this are purely stigma based. I have been more worried about telling this to you guys than I was about the online dating saga, and you guys know how wacky my hangups were with that!

Sometimes life hands you a sucker punch to nuts, and that's what "Event X" was. Now I have two options: let myself bask in the comforts of Fran's house (reduced bills, hot tub room, pool, cable,) and become dormant and lazy, the stereotypical comic book guy living in basement, to whom the attention of a woman comes at the hefty price of $20 and a two drink minimum. A shell of person whose aspirations to one day share his sense of humor to a larger scale audience were crushed under weight of Law and Order SVU reruns and cans of Chef Boyardee. The ultimate example of wasted potential...

Oh hell no.

I will use this to my advantage. I have both a new found ability to save money, and a new closer proximity to the gym. Also, it's time I address who is really to blame for "Event X" The real villain of this story...

The Movie House.

For the hours I work and effort I put, it's a crime that I wasn't able to up and move to my next location immediately. I want the next place I live to be someplace I can't currently afford, like Rochester's hipster district in the South Wedge. Oh man, I could walk to Lux! It'd be great. There's only one way to do that, find a better job. Also, I'm sick of working on Christmas. If I want to get out of that, I better move my ass. Also, I MUST move out by MinchDay 2013: Taking it Down a Notch because if I'm 30 and still at home, well, I might as well embrace the first option.

But for now, here I am, slowly getting used to the fact that Fran and my sister keep the house 10 degrees colder than Mr. Freezes lair in Batman and Robin.

And while no roommate situation is ever a 100% ideal, I could do without my new roommate pissing and shitting in my room.

"HAHAHA, YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE NOW BITCH! PRISON RULES MOTHER F--KER!!!"

So for the time being, this is what "Minch vs the World" is about. It's a comeback story. It's about not just trying to make the best of a bad situation, but making it better than it was before. Perhaps, it's about the long needed wake up call that had to happen in order for me to shake out of my dormant life of unused potential.

...and fart jokes.

Thanks,
Minch

Episode 41: ...ends up in my blog

Well it finally happened, and even though I knew this day was coming, I'm still aggravated. After weeks of walking around what appeared to be the set of Outbreak, I have finally gotten sick. I don't like getting sick....it bugs me. It was one of two people who did this to me: Either "Typhoid Franny" who got sick right before we left for Vegas (yes yes, I'll get to that) or the Boss. Frankly, even though I was in a pressurized flying disease tube with Typhoid Franny, I'm still leaning towards this being the Boss' fault, as he has a habit hacking and coughing all around the office. He's kind of like Pigpen from Peanuts if Pigpen had clouds of contagious disease around him instead of just filth. My point is, your donations of soup and screwdrivers (Grey Goose only, I'm trying to get healthy) are greatly appreciated.

Okay, so I'm sure you're wondering how the Vegas trip went, so without further adieu. Maestro...

The Flight:

Fun Fact: I was 18 the first time I went on plane. That gave me the distinct advantage of having 18 years to worry about flying. I have been on roughly 10-15 flights since, none of them too turbulent, so I have gotten over my fear. Our second flight, from Jersey to Vegas was a 5+ hour beast. Sure they had some good TV shows on for everybody ( Parks and Rec, 30 Rock, New Girl) but that counts for an hour and a half. My sister, who has a really rough time flying, took something (prescribed) to help her sleep...

I'd say it worked.

 As we waited, seemingly 12 years, for our bags to show up at the baggage claim at Vegas' McCarren airport, a gentleman showed up asking if we had a ride to our hotel. For sake of the story, let's just say it was him...

He told us that he would drive us to the Monte Carlo (our hotel) for $45 in his limo. As a group we thought about it. If we didn't get murdered, and there was a risk of that, it would actually be a decent deal. Armando (his actual name) then sweetened the pot by saying he would stop by the liquor store for us for free. Being murdered was no longer a concern for me. We agreed. We were heading to the hotel in style...

My Bills shirt, hoodie, and fedora scream style!!!

Sadly, the liquor store didn't carry Kentucky Gentleman, but they did have the next best (worst) thing. As the girls were spending $30-$40 on bottles of candy flavored Vodka, Your buddy found himself a nice big $14 bottle of...Evan Williams! If it's good enough for the open bar at weddings, it's good enough for Vegas.

Gambling

...is not a thing that I am good at. The more I played, the more I figured I was going to be leaving Vegas looking like this...

Slot machines have become kind of awesome, not in the sense that you win anything (Trust me on that!!!) but in the sense that a lot of them are based on cool movies/TV shows. I played:

The Hangover 
Ghostbusters- Dan Aykroyd does his own voice on that one. (Surprising no one.)
The Dark Knight- I wanted to win the Michael Caine Progressive (Not many people know about that.)

There was also a Happy Days slot machine, but apparently it was called "Happy Days: Ralph Malph Rips You Off" As there was virtually no payoff whatsoever...

Sunday Sunday Sunday!!!

Sunday was the big event day. We started with the champagne brunch over at the Bellagio, there's no drinking like unlimited breakfast drinking. I followed that up with watching the Bills game at the bar. While there weren't any Bills fans there, I was sitting next to a Redskins fan who kept shouting at the TV...EVEN THOUGH HIS TEAM WAS WINNING!!! This all lead to the main event...

The Club Crawl:
Look given the "What Happens in Vegas Act of 1997" (TM @nicknewt) as well as my fuzzy memory of the event, all I can tell you is that at some point Rufilin was slipped in my drink because this...

Turned to this...

   

On our club tour there were two wildly attractive Australian girls. One of which apparently took a picture with me...

 

 

I'm relieved that I actually look like a person in this shot

 The Next Morning:

It's weird, when I woke up, I didn't feel immediately hungover. Then, I noticed the bag of uneaten McDonald's on my nightstand. So like any logical person, I ate my leftover McChicken sandwich. I think that was the point where my system said, "NO! NO! THAT'S IT!! EFF YOU, YOU'RE BENCHED!!!" Shortly after that sammy, I was down for the count and relegated to the hotel room watching ESPN.

The Last Night:

Still trying to assemble myself, we walked down the strip looking for something to do. The thing to know about Vegas is that you'll always see two things. Mexican Families trying to give you calling cards for prostitutes, and many many Tom Haverford's trying to get you to go to their club

"HEY GIRLS, 2 For 1 ALL YOU CAN DRINK FOR $60!!"

Fortunately we found a guy who worked for the club in our hotel. He was selling open bar for $20. Now, myself being a seasoned man of the world, knew that this offer wasn't extended to me, but I got in for free. The club, I think it was called "Bungles" or something like that, was an Average Joe's anybody can play sort of deal. I know this as fact, since they let me in, and I looked like a shit took a shit. I helped myself to an $8 bottle of beer (which went down like a cup of nails) and decided, hell with it. It was time to lose the last of my money gambling, then call it a night. (It was like 1:30 AM at this point)

The Vegas trip ended as quickly as it began. I gave Vegas all of my money, and in turn she gave me a few fuzzy memories and undiagnosed alcohol poisoning...

Hey did you read my latest post on Eat Your Serial ? No? Well you should. They told me I'm fired if you don't read it. No, not really, but read it. I make Christopher Walken President. Also, a giant thanks to Alyssa over at Chocolate is my Life  She linked my last post to her blog, and I got "mad crazy traffic...yo" Go read her blog, she's funny, and she runs, and sometimes complains about football.

Hey, why don't you do the same thing as Alyssa and share this with your social media kin. Like it on BookFace, or take a picture of your computer screen and post it to Insta-grahams or Teddy Grahams for that matter. Thanks!

Minch

Episode 40: What Happens in Vegas...

Holy hell, it's been almost a month since my last blog post??!?! I am an absentee parent of blogging, but I am back and I'm going to buy you ice cream*, and you can forget how I haven't been there for you.

Last week I wrote my newest article for my buddies over at Eat Your Serial!!!! It runs on 10/17, because it takes a week and a half to edit out all of the bad grammar and bad spelling and the parts that seem like they were written while asleep and/or drunk. For some reason, this one was tough to come up with. I farted around with a couple of ideas (A TV and Movie Presidential Debate, an analysis of the old man buddy comedies of the late '90s) but nothing was clicking. Then, the night before it was due, Ang Lee's Hulk movie was on. Ang Lee's Hulk is the Gone With the Wind of Hulk movies, in that it is roughly as long as Gone With the Wind. But just like I have done for all of my years of high school and college, I let something I wasn't really interested in distract me from something I needed to do. Finally, when the movie ended at 1:30am (it started at 7:30pm) I started to get an idea for what to write. I think the end result is pretty neat. Okay, so a quarter of the way through and this has just been an advertisement for the next thing I'm doing---which is basically how Marvel makes movies. (Zing)

Hey, I'm going to Vegas on Saturday. It's hard to believe that this trip spawned from an early morning phone call from Mom.

Cell Phone: RING RING (Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men is my ringtone if you're a purist for facts) 

Me: What?!?

Fran: We're going to Vegas for your sister's birthday. You want to go?

Me: Not now I'm sleeping...

After I came to, and the plan was explained to me, I decided I was on board. The lineup is a bit eccentric to say the least . It's my sister and three of her friends, my Mom (who will likely be playing the duel role of Mother Superior/Bail Bondsman) and then me. Apparently the group needed a problem drinking smart ass to round out their numerically challenged version of Oceans 11, (I'm Bernie Mac.)

This isn't my first go round in Vegas. I went back in 2007. Let's have a look...

I think this was the Planet Hollywood Mall or something like that, but more than anything else...Jesus Christ I was a fat son of a bitch!!! I'm going to pull up a different pic to even out.

Jesus, I was a thin son of a bitch. I don't know whether to feel depressed or really depressed so let's move on.

One of the many activities we are doing in Vegas is a "Club Crawl." As I'm sure you'd assume, this was my idea. (This is where a sarcasm font would be helpful.)  We are taking a party bus to a bunch of different Vegas clubs, and while variety is the spice of life, I find the dress code a little restrictive.

No Sneakers: What the hell? Like Chucks aren't stylish all of a sudden?

Button Down shirt...

So I seriously don't get to wear this? 

 Not to mention, several requests from my sister to wear contacts. Just what in the hell is wrong with my glasses? They make me look like Tampa Bay Rays coach Joe Maddon.

I may not like his team, but the guy's got style...

One thing is certain, I am going to put $10 on the Bills winning the Super Bowl. I can only imagine what the odds are now after those last two nightmares I'm told were football games. If somehow they are able to pull it off (You know, by cheating or all the other teams forfeiting.) I'll use the winnings throw a party that looks a little something like this...

Alright, that's it for this one gang. I would like to tell you I'm going to churn these out quicker, but I can't. So I promise that I will try to try. In the meantime, be a gem and share this on the social media. Post about it in AOL Chat rooms or print this out and mail it to a friend, stamps are cheap. Also, I want to start trying to rally more followers, so do whatever Google tells you to do to become one. It's almost painless!!! Thanks!!!

Minch

*No, there isn't any ice cream.





 

Episode 39: If It Means A Lot To You

Something great/terrible happened before Fran's "Labor Day Eve Blackout For America Block Party." Like all stories that involve the words great and terrible, it takes place at a liquor store. I decided I wanted to put on my fancy pants for this event and enjoy some bourbon. In that section of "Uncle Reginald's House of Moonshine and Merriment" ---where I usually get my booze, I saw something I haven't seen since my brother and sister-in-law's rehearsal dinner...

Kentucky Gentleman!!!! (Cigars sold separately.)

A two liter bottle cost me $16, so it's both high quality and economically responsible! I tweeted (@mrminch if you're not already aboard) the above picture, and my favorite response came from my old college buddy @nicknewt: "A white suit is being shipped to you from the finest haberdashery in all of Kentucky as we speak" For safety sake, there should be a warning on the label that if you drink and entire 2L of Kentucky Gentlemen in the span of a day, you wake up the next morning feeling like Colonel Sanders beat you with a lead pipe....

This past Friday, there was a meeting of the minds and we are coming ever closer to the return of "The Minch and Topeck Show." Here, I made a poster...

 For those of you new to The M+T show, here's a brief origin story. Back when my old buddy Topeck and I started at MCC, we basically had the same schedule, so Topeck drove me (also, I didn't get my license til I was 18 #MinchFacts.) We noticed there were sign ups for MCC's radio station "WMCC: The Mix." For some reason that I'll never quite understand, the head guy at the station liked our show, which consisted of mostly music and a couple of jokes in between. In our second year, we were given free reign of our show, and began having fellow Movie House employee and longtime friend Dave Rector as third mic. Not satisfied with only broadcasting in the hallway outside the studio, it was more of a PA system than a radio station, we began burning the show onto CDs and our good friend Mr. Jeff Commaroto would upload it on his website. Now, I'm not saying that we invented podcasting, but we invented podcasting.

The show itself was a mix of movie reviews, contests, and one major sketch in the middle. While everyone had a hand in writing sketches I was the primary impressionist (not particularly good, but it worked) so for the most part, I was talking to myself like a schizophrenic. This SNL sketch basically sums it up, though we were never quite so tongue in cheek racist. SNL, Z105 The Minch and Topeck show

At it's heart, the Minch and Topeck show was about three friends trying to make each other laugh, and I'm really excited to be trying it again. And Now for Something Completely Different...

It's a rough time for the Minch Sports Universe. Let's have a run down:

Boston Red Sox: Not good. At this rate I may be asked to coach the rest of the season.

Buffalo Sabres: The team itself is fine. I like the offseason moves. Should be a good season, oh wait that's right, there's an impending lockout, and who the hell knows if there will even be a season.

Buffalo Bills: Got embarrassed by the Jets yesterday. In most crowds, a statement with flickering optimism like, "Hey they're only 0-1" will get paper wads, beer bottles, and Tia the dog thrown at you.

College Football: is a thing I never really cared too much about, except for one drunken night...

Last year, my cousin and I were on a Kickball Pub Crawl down East Ave. It was getting pretty late in the game, and I had a good thing going. We got to one bar towards the end of the crawl and we wanted to play darts, a thing I am not good at. The dartboard is located in the bar's back room and as we started to play we noticed we were surrounded by Nebraska Corn Huskers fans.They were all decked out and watching the game. Thinking nothing of it, we started playing when the manager popped in to tell us we couldn't be in the backroom as the Nebraska fans rented it out. Just as we were being shamefully escorted out, a large gentlemen stood up and said, "Wait, they can stay. As long as they root for Nebraska with us!!!" So there we were, playing darts and going crazy for a team that I had never really gave a hot damn about. Jim Carrey, would you kindly reenact that night for us...

Yeah, that's about right. Oh and who is that with you?

Somehow, I ended up at a nightclub that night. Hey before I go, I have a favor to ask. I'm sure you've been lobbied with a bunch of the "Vote For My Kid" Gerber contests, but if you could find it in your heart to vote for either or both of my kids, it would be great. You forgot I had kids? Go back and read All Good Things 

Vanekessa Pegula Minch

Joffrey Alabaster Minch

Vote early and often. Hey, thanks for reading! Feel free to share this on the Pinstagram (TM-Rector) various AOL Chat rooms, or the social media outlet of your choosing. My next edition of "Minch's Pop Tarts is going to show up Sept 19th, and I'll warn you now, it features Mr. Belding.

Minch

Episode #38: You Rascal You

It has been forever and a day since my last blog. I mean, I didn't completely leave you guys in the lurch, you did get another edition of Minch's Pop Tarts!!! Did you read that yet? I made fun of Flubber and everything. Anyways, if I may offer an explanation for my extended absence, the inevitable finally happened. I woke up one morning, went to check the internets, and my 2002 Compaq was frozen. While that isn't necessarily new, when I went to reboot it, it still wouldn't work. My 10 year old computer had finally bit the dust. Let's all take a moment...

God must have needed a computer that shuts off when you try to load pics for your blog.

 Fortunately for me, Fran just so happened to have a computer lying around, Daisy the Dog was using it as a chew toy. So, I'm back and now using Windows Vista!!!---Nope, not a joke..

Where the hell did summer go? It seems like just yesterday I was day drinking for Memorial Day and now today I'll be day drinking for Labor Day. You see, Fran has the family picnic the day before, so you can spend the holiday hungover. It's a brilliant, yet slightly sad system.

Recently, I was thinking about the direction of my life, (No, I wasn't high) and while I don't really have a lot to complain about ( I mean big picture style, stubbing your toe sucks, but compared to the problems of a 29 year old Sudanese guy, I think I'm doing okay) I also don't have much of a long term plan. So I came up with an idea: Give myself til the ripe old age of 31 and if I'm still in the same(ish) spot that I'm in now, I'll vanish out of Rochester...

Where will you go? 

Well Christ, I haven't planned everything out yet. Maybe Hawaii. I could bar tend at a dive bar. Like a "All our beer comes in cans and all our wine comes in boxes" type of joint. A place that still has that old Budweiser Bartender video game. The type of place where they have a grill, but you're not going to eat there unless you're really hammered. I could come up with a signature burger, "The Minch" (I'm still drafting out specifics, but bacon and gravy will be involved) It'll become a late night Hawaiian delicacy, and Travel Channel's Adam Richman will show up to try one, turning our dive bar into a tourist destination. Foodies* will travel for miles and miles to try my new genius creation.

*Foodie is a Latin word for "Pain in the ass" Yeah I get it, the sandwich is good, act like a person.

Finally, when the old man owner kicks the bucket, I'll make a power grab, buy off his shitty kids and then own the bar! I'll live out the rest of my days with my hipster Hawaiian wife (Hawaiian Hipsters exist right?) sun burnt and day drunk, or as you people call it "Happily Ever After"

 

Perfect, now I have a long term plan in place. Now that I have a working computer, I intend on churning out a lot more of these a lot quicker, you know unless I'm doing other stuff. Feel free to share this on any of the major social networking emporiums. I mean you took the time to share that Someecard that said, "My Liver's Watch is stuck on Five O'Clock" why not share something that helps your old pal Minch? Just click the links below buddy or buddy-ette!!!

Thanks as always,
Minch

Episode #37: The Dog Days of Summer

 I remember as a kid feeling a certain sense of dread once August rolled around. It was always at the start of August that my Grandmother would start shouting, "Only four more weeks of summer left!" She would say it with the force and restrained glee that a bouncer yells out, "Last call, drink 'em up." Seeing as though she spent her summers babysitting my siblings and I, her job was actually pretty similar to a bouncer. Also, as a little kid, "only four weeks" might as well been "only twenty minutes."

When you're young, the only thing you have to look forward to as far as school starting is getting new supplies. Later, this would be hampered by those smart ass, "Most Wonderful Time of the Year" ads. I'm sure I'll understand those more when I have little demon spawns, but at the time, it really felt like parents were tap dancing on their kid's deflated souls. Anyways, I always liked stocking up on cartoon school gear, clearly making me the coolest kid in the room. My prized possession was a lunch box based on perhaps my favorite cartoon of the time: Darkwing Duck

No, this isn't a pic of mine...sadly.

Remember picking out sweet folders. We were a decade away from me developing sports interest, so those again were all cartoon based too...

Now, those weren't exactly the folders I had. In fact at Sacred Heart Cathedral School, Bart Simpson was public enemy number one. Anything depicting he or any other Simpsons characters (even Hans Moleman) would be confiscated. You couldn't even wear a Simpsons shirt on "Dress Down Days." Yeah that's right, we had uniforms, which made back to school clothes shopping twice as awful. There was only one school approved store, it was out in the middle of nowhere and called "Carbunkles" or something like that. Googling "Kid's School Uniforms" is the sort of search that results in the FBI showing up at your door, so let's just say they looked like this...

   
Eventually, having cartoon lunch boxes becomes socially unacceptable, and teachers begin choosing folders for you. Yeah I get it, Red for English, Green for Science is more organized, but where's the individuality? Where's the unique creativity? Where's the opportunity to pause during a lesson about fractions, look at your folder and say to yourself, "Yeah this sucks, but at least I get to go home and watch TaleSpin."

August only got worse as I entered high school, and it was all because of two words, Summer Reading. At the risk of offending my former English teachers, (a few of them actually read this, and are probably already offended by the grammar errors) I was always derelict in my summer reading assignments. I could never get myself to do it. There was a time when I felt like I'd be more diligent about it if I could pick my own books to read, but then I remember in grade school when I did five book reports on "Super Fudge" by Judy Blume. God, Fudge was such an asshole.

Ever since I finished college and summer has gone from vacation to season, I find myself eagerly awaiting fall to begin. Temperatures under 900 degrees (hopefully). Pumpkin flavored everything starts coming out. Football, Hockey and playoff baseball (grr...) Let's not forget Halloween! Speaking of which, I need a solid idea for this year. Last year I was Mr. Dink from Doug. Since I was an ancillary character with no one else in Doug gear, I spent a lot of my Halloween explaining...

"Ohhh, Okay." was the catch phrase of the night.

   
Don't get me wrong, I plan on savoring every last drop of Summer I can, but I've gotten over my August sense of dread.  Well that's all for this one gang. As always, feel free to share this old boy on your TwitterFace and InstaBooks.

Thanks,
Minch

Minch's Summer of Love: Chapter 7

Of all the squares to end up at, why did it have to be square one...

On August 18th, my membership with the pay dating site ends. My three month summer experiment is in the 8th inning, and essentially I'm right where I started. I've been mulling over whether to bother re-upping for another three months. Truth is, I'm leaning towards no. Now, slow down, I'm not writing this to be a depressing ballad of misery. Don't believe me, here's a picture of Tia shooting Hitler in front of an ARBYS...

There, better? I'm not trying to say I'm going to give up and live alone in a cave. Not yet anyways. At this juncture I'm having a hard time quantifying the overall value of being a part of that site. Okay, yes I did go on a few dates, but for every one of those (3 altogether) there 10 unanswered emails and/or winks (yeah, I gave up and started sending winks.) I could get ignored just as easily for free. Besides, I'd still be on the free site (shiver.)

I think part of the problem is, when you are on something like that, you better be ready to compete. Don't get me wrong, when your single, you're always in a competition. Just look at the bar scene I've described in previous chapters. But when you're on a site like this, you have to assume when your talking/chatting/dating/whatever semantics with someone there are 7-10 other guys messaging her, waiting for the chance to tell her what an asshole you are and how cool they are. It's a bit intense. Speaking of intense, this is getting a little dark, so to break the tension, please enjoy this picture of Foghorn Leghorn going to a bank where Sabres GM Darcy Regier works...

Which brings me to this blog. I'm also waffling on whether or not to continue The Summer of Love section of MvW. As much as I like writing it, it complicates matters. I was lucky once when I revealed its existence. There's no guarantee that next time, it won't get me duffed in the head. Not to mention, it kind of paints me into a corner as far as storytelling goes. Speaking of storytelling, as I said in Chapter One, there's no promise I can make to the reader that there will be a happy ending. I feel bad having created this blog for comedy purposes, leading the reader on a road to potentially nowhere. MvW will always exist, but this might have to go on the back burner. Though I do have one more trick up my sleeve...

Boy, I sure am hungry. I wonder what I should have for lunch...

(Looks Around)

I wonder WHAT I SHOULD HAVE FOR LUNCH!!!!

Maybe you should get Wendy's!!!! Oh God Dammit, not you again!

Say, that's not a bad idea. Care to join me? We could get a couple of Baconators...

No, I've told you before, it doesn't work like that. I have to leave. I need to go bully an old lady into buying a Frosty.

Damn.

Well now I am out of ideas. If this is the last SOL, then I thank you all for joining me on this experiment. Putting my shit on blast has been both fun and nerve wracking, but it's nice to know you've got people rooting for you. 

Keep rooting, it is only the 8th inning after all...

Minch