Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Episode 41: ...ends up in my blog

Well it finally happened, and even though I knew this day was coming, I'm still aggravated. After weeks of walking around what appeared to be the set of Outbreak, I have finally gotten sick. I don't like getting sick....it bugs me. It was one of two people who did this to me: Either "Typhoid Franny" who got sick right before we left for Vegas (yes yes, I'll get to that) or the Boss. Frankly, even though I was in a pressurized flying disease tube with Typhoid Franny, I'm still leaning towards this being the Boss' fault, as he has a habit hacking and coughing all around the office. He's kind of like Pigpen from Peanuts if Pigpen had clouds of contagious disease around him instead of just filth. My point is, your donations of soup and screwdrivers (Grey Goose only, I'm trying to get healthy) are greatly appreciated.

Okay, so I'm sure you're wondering how the Vegas trip went, so without further adieu. Maestro...

The Flight:

Fun Fact: I was 18 the first time I went on plane. That gave me the distinct advantage of having 18 years to worry about flying. I have been on roughly 10-15 flights since, none of them too turbulent, so I have gotten over my fear. Our second flight, from Jersey to Vegas was a 5+ hour beast. Sure they had some good TV shows on for everybody ( Parks and Rec, 30 Rock, New Girl) but that counts for an hour and a half. My sister, who has a really rough time flying, took something (prescribed) to help her sleep...

I'd say it worked.
 As we waited, seemingly 12 years, for our bags to show up at the baggage claim at Vegas' McCarren airport, a gentleman showed up asking if we had a ride to our hotel. For sake of the story, let's just say it was him...

He told us that he would drive us to the Monte Carlo (our hotel) for $45 in his limo. As a group we thought about it. If we didn't get murdered, and there was a risk of that, it would actually be a decent deal. Armando (his actual name) then sweetened the pot by saying he would stop by the liquor store for us for free. Being murdered was no longer a concern for me. We agreed. We were heading to the hotel in style...

My Bills shirt, hoodie, and fedora scream style!!!
Sadly, the liquor store didn't carry Kentucky Gentleman, but they did have the next best (worst) thing. As the girls were spending $30-$40 on bottles of candy flavored Vodka, Your buddy found himself a nice big $14 bottle of...Evan Williams! If it's good enough for the open bar at weddings, it's good enough for Vegas.


...is not a thing that I am good at. The more I played, the more I figured I was going to be leaving Vegas looking like this...

Slot machines have become kind of awesome, not in the sense that you win anything (Trust me on that!!!) but in the sense that a lot of them are based on cool movies/TV shows. I played:

The Hangover 
Ghostbusters- Dan Aykroyd does his own voice on that one. (Surprising no one.)
The Dark Knight- I wanted to win the Michael Caine Progressive (Not many people know about that.)

There was also a Happy Days slot machine, but apparently it was called "Happy Days: Ralph Malph Rips You Off" As there was virtually no payoff whatsoever...

Sunday Sunday Sunday!!!

Sunday was the big event day. We started with the champagne brunch over at the Bellagio, there's no drinking like unlimited breakfast drinking. I followed that up with watching the Bills game at the bar. While there weren't any Bills fans there, I was sitting next to a Redskins fan who kept shouting at the TV...EVEN THOUGH HIS TEAM WAS WINNING!!! This all lead to the main event...

The Club Crawl:
Look given the "What Happens in Vegas Act of 1997" (TM @nicknewt) as well as my fuzzy memory of the event, all I can tell you is that at some point Rufilin was slipped in my drink because this...

Turned to this...


On our club tour there were two wildly attractive Australian girls. One of which apparently took a picture with me...

I'm relieved that I actually look like a person in this shot

 The Next Morning:

It's weird, when I woke up, I didn't feel immediately hungover. Then, I noticed the bag of uneaten McDonald's on my nightstand. So like any logical person, I ate my leftover McChicken sandwich. I think that was the point where my system said, "NO! NO! THAT'S IT!! EFF YOU, YOU'RE BENCHED!!!" Shortly after that sammy, I was down for the count and relegated to the hotel room watching ESPN.

The Last Night:

Still trying to assemble myself, we walked down the strip looking for something to do. The thing to know about Vegas is that you'll always see two things. Mexican Families trying to give you calling cards for prostitutes, and many many Tom Haverford's trying to get you to go to their club

Fortunately we found a guy who worked for the club in our hotel. He was selling open bar for $20. Now, myself being a seasoned man of the world, knew that this offer wasn't extended to me, but I got in for free. The club, I think it was called "Bungles" or something like that, was an Average Joe's anybody can play sort of deal. I know this as fact, since they let me in, and I looked like a shit took a shit. I helped myself to an $8 bottle of beer (which went down like a cup of nails) and decided, hell with it. It was time to lose the last of my money gambling, then call it a night. (It was like 1:30 AM at this point)

The Vegas trip ended as quickly as it began. I gave Vegas all of my money, and in turn she gave me a few fuzzy memories and undiagnosed alcohol poisoning...

Hey did you read my latest post on Eat Your Serial ? No? Well you should. They told me I'm fired if you don't read it. No, not really, but read it. I make Christopher Walken President. Also, a giant thanks to Alyssa over at Chocolate is my Life  She linked my last post to her blog, and I got "mad crazy traffic...yo" Go read her blog, she's funny, and she runs, and sometimes complains about football.

Hey, why don't you do the same thing as Alyssa and share this with your social media kin. Like it on BookFace, or take a picture of your computer screen and post it to Insta-grahams or Teddy Grahams for that matter. Thanks!


Monday, October 8, 2012

Episode 40: What Happens in Vegas...

Holy hell, it's been almost a month since my last blog post??!?! I am an absentee parent of blogging, but I am back and I'm going to buy you ice cream*, and you can forget how I haven't been there for you.

Last week I wrote my newest article for my buddies over at Eat Your Serial!!!! It runs on 10/17, because it takes a week and a half to edit out all of the bad grammar and bad spelling and the parts that seem like they were written while asleep and/or drunk. For some reason, this one was tough to come up with. I farted around with a couple of ideas (A TV and Movie Presidential Debate, an analysis of the old man buddy comedies of the late '90s) but nothing was clicking. Then, the night before it was due, Ang Lee's Hulk movie was on. Ang Lee's Hulk is the Gone With the Wind of Hulk movies, in that it is roughly as long as Gone With the Wind. But just like I have done for all of my years of high school and college, I let something I wasn't really interested in distract me from something I needed to do. Finally, when the movie ended at 1:30am (it started at 7:30pm) I started to get an idea for what to write. I think the end result is pretty neat. Okay, so a quarter of the way through and this has just been an advertisement for the next thing I'm doing---which is basically how Marvel makes movies. (Zing)

Hey, I'm going to Vegas on Saturday. It's hard to believe that this trip spawned from an early morning phone call from Mom.

Cell Phone: RING RING (Little Talks by Of Monsters and Men is my ringtone if you're a purist for facts) 

Me: What?!?

Fran: We're going to Vegas for your sister's birthday. You want to go?

Me: Not now I'm sleeping...

After I came to, and the plan was explained to me, I decided I was on board. The lineup is a bit eccentric to say the least . It's my sister and three of her friends, my Mom (who will likely be playing the duel role of Mother Superior/Bail Bondsman) and then me. Apparently the group needed a problem drinking smart ass to round out their numerically challenged version of Oceans 11, (I'm Bernie Mac.)

This isn't my first go round in Vegas. I went back in 2007. Let's have a look...
I think this was the Planet Hollywood Mall or something like that, but more than anything else...Jesus Christ I was a fat son of a bitch!!! I'm going to pull up a different pic to even out.

Jesus, I was a thin son of a bitch. I don't know whether to feel depressed or really depressed so let's move on.

One of the many activities we are doing in Vegas is a "Club Crawl." As I'm sure you'd assume, this was my idea. (This is where a sarcasm font would be helpful.)  We are taking a party bus to a bunch of different Vegas clubs, and while variety is the spice of life, I find the dress code a little restrictive.

No Sneakers: What the hell? Like Chucks aren't stylish all of a sudden?

Button Down shirt...
So I seriously don't get to wear this? 
 Not to mention, several requests from my sister to wear contacts. Just what in the hell is wrong with my glasses? They make me look like Tampa Bay Rays coach Joe Maddon.

I may not like his team, but the guy's got style...

One thing is certain, I am going to put $10 on the Bills winning the Super Bowl. I can only imagine what the odds are now after those last two nightmares I'm told were football games. If somehow they are able to pull it off (You know, by cheating or all the other teams forfeiting.) I'll use the winnings throw a party that looks a little something like this...

Alright, that's it for this one gang. I would like to tell you I'm going to churn these out quicker, but I can't. So I promise that I will try to try. In the meantime, be a gem and share this on the social media. Post about it in AOL Chat rooms or print this out and mail it to a friend, stamps are cheap. Also, I want to start trying to rally more followers, so do whatever Google tells you to do to become one. It's almost painless!!! Thanks!!!


*No, there isn't any ice cream.