Monday, July 23, 2012

Episode 36: The Minch Family's Chicago Adventure

Hey Guys! I realize it's been a while, but the business center at the hotel stunk and trying to blog from a phone is a living nightmare so I put this little gem on hold, until now. Every year The Minch Family takes a vacation. During an unofficial meeting about it a few months ago, everything seemed lined up for us to take the same Ocean City trip we had taken the last few years. I made the suggestion we try something different, perhaps a big city, like Chicago. We could catch a Cubs game, eat deep dish pizza, see the kidney bean sculpture at Millennium Park. My suggestion was met with a tepid response at best. The next day something magical happened, my brother Dennis decided he liked (and subsequently came up with) the idea. With Dennis' higher stock value in the family, everyone got on board with after his endorsement. The Minch's were going to Chicago!

We left at 7AM on Saturday. For the millionth time, I tried staying up all night so I would sleep in the car. I even watched Scream 4 at around 3am. For the millionth time, that plan failed and I was left tired, uncomfortable, and filled with memories of a bad movie.

For those of you outside the Rochester NY area, of the many things we lack, perhaps the worst is a Sonic Drive In. We've had television ads for them for roughly 15 years, but the closest one is out in East BumbleAss. So we make it a point to swing by one on the way to any vacation spot. This year to be different, we decided to get Sonic on the way back and instead we would try White Castle. The GPS (the worst antagonist of this trip) said the closest one was in Cleveland. What it didn't tell us was exactly how unsavory our surrounding would be. Also, it didn't mention how the workers would be none too happy with our order of 30 sliders. (If it makes a difference, there were 6 of us. It doesn't? Okay screw you then!) I can only imagine the amount of spit/dish detergent/rat poison that was put in each of those sliders, but against all odds we made it out alive and with our order...

Not only was Neil Patrick Harris not there, they won't serve you if you make that joke.
 Before delving into Chicago, I'll tell you about the day trip we took to Milwaukee. Since it was only an hour away from Chicago, we decided to head up to see a Brewery and the Brewers. Maybe even have a brew. Instead of hitting up a corporate piss water refinery like Miller, we went to the independent Lakefront Brewery. Unlike usual brew tours, you were given beer throughout the tour, not at the end. The more tours I go to, the more I'm convinced I should be giving brewery tours as a living. Our tour guide, whose name was Gus or Fletch or something weird had the makings of a guy who rolled off of his couch at the crack of noon to head to work and give a tour. He then said he was the owner's cousin, verifying my theory. He had a lot to contend with on our tour, as we had three or four hyperactive kids running around. What kind of selfish ass parents bring their kids on a brewery tour? There's no way they'll be interested!!!

Then it was off to Miller Park. We had some extra time and we were all hungry so we decided to head towards the park and eat at one of its adjacent bars/restaurants. It's important to note, it was a scant 127 degrees in Wisconsin that day. As we walked up the parking lot we saw something completely new to us, people were tailgating the ballgame!!! As Western New Yorkers tailgating was nothing new, but never for baseball. Impressed, we made our way to the park to find some food...

As we walked around the outside of the park, we realized that it was an island unto itself. That's when we made the grave realization...

Cue Realization music...

The fans were tailgating because there is nothing around! The park doesn't open for another 40 minutes! While none of us were thrilled with this, it sat particularly poorly with the females on our trip. We muscled it out and got some brats and cheese fries once the park opened. (This is why mascot Bernie Brewer has had three heart attacks) The only other problem, was the dome was left open so it remained 127 degrees throughout the entire game. It was indeed too hot to drink beer. Don't get me wrong, I tried, but that first one went down like a cup full of nails.  Sidenote: Brewers lost that game when closer/civil war general John Axford blew it in the 9th.

The next day we went to historic Wrigley Field. As someone who wants to go to every ballpark at least once n his life, this was a major destination.

Wrigley has a far better set up than Miller, in that there are bars and stores and things to do before the game all around. On the suggestion of my good friend Bill, we went to both The Cubby Bear and Sluggers, the latter was quite popular with my brother, as it had an upstairs batting cage. The girls mentally prepped for another ballgame, by getting moderately to fairly hammered. I would judge them, but I waited until I got inside the park to slurp down $7 beers. Unlike Miller, those went down smooth as silk!

I had the hope that somehow, someway Bill Murray would be at the game. Sadly, instead I wound up with Jim Belushi. Some days that seems like a metaphor for my life. Hoping for Bill Murray and then getting Jim Belushi. Side Note: The Cubs lost that game and Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis were at the next game.

As far as touristy stuff, we ate deep dish pizza at both Gino's East and Pizzeria Due. We went to Millennium Park to see the Kidney Bean. We also walked down Navy Pier, stopping at the Harry Caray's Tavern where references to the old SNL sketches are met with eye rolls.

To be fair to the ladies (my sister and sister-in-law) who had been brave little troopers during the two baseball games, we took a trip to a Chicago nightclub. I think it was called Leg Room or AssHats or something like that. Couple of notes:

There was a swarthy gentlemen who kept grabbing girls by the shoulder to get them to have drinks with him. As you can imagine, this didn't work, and he was fairly persistent.

There was a flamboyant young man who made a failed attempt to get my Mom to dance. 

Beers were only $3!!! For a club, not bad. I got ripped...

Chicago's Catch Phrase should be: Chicago-For Every Giant Fat Guy, There's The Ridiculously Hot Girl He's With! 

Just wondering, Girls when you decide to wear that skirt out, mentally do you just accept that at some point somebody is going to see your butthole?

While it was a far busier event than the usual Minch Family Vacations, the Chicago trip was pretty great. Though it was one of those vacations you need a vacation from after. You better believe we stopped at Sonic on the way home.

Switching gears, tomorrow, 7/24/12 my newest article for will run. I open with a joke about a twist in Dark Knight Rises involving two loser villains. (Sorry Calendar Man) I didn't want it to run without at least acknowledging the events in Colorado. My deepest condolences to all involved. I damn sure checked in with my Col friends to make sure they were alright (One tweeted pretty early. The other I texted.) There's a lot that can be said on many different level about what happened and what should be done, but for right now, the only appropriate thing to say is let's remember the victims: innocent people who went to see a movie.


Thursday, July 12, 2012

Episode 35: Fifty Shades of Minch

Due to some comically timed vacations, including the Minch Family's trek to Chicago next week, the Summer of Love is in a holding pattern. Fear not faithful readers, no news is in fact no news, I assume... So here's the first of two new summertime MvWs to keep you occupied during your shithouse breaks.

Last time I told you about how I attended "The Chocolate vs The World Blog Conference 2012, Live from Panera Bread." Remember, I got a $6 cookie, which was served on a plate. What in the hell is the point of that? It's a cookie. The cashier could have thrown it at me and it would have been a more appropriate serving style. Instead, here I am, in a public place of business with a porcelain plate that only has a cookie on it. I looked like an asshole, and that's not even counting the Hawaiian shirt I was wearing. Topeck, get on that buddy, save time and dish duty by not putting cookies on plates.

Okay, that got just a hair off topic. One of the things discussed at the conference was the idea of having a guest blogger. Bringing in someone else, who is frequently mentioned on here to give their perspective. I spent a lot of time thinking about who among my friends and family I could bring on as a guest blogger. First I ruled out the illiterate ones, that halved my selection. Then I thought about who wouldn't say anything bad about me...then I went back to looking at the illiterate ones.

I then realized that answer had been staring me in the face this entire time. There is a young lady who has been frequently mentioned on here, who deserves to have her say. For the most part she has been shrouded in mystery, by design, but by letting her come on here and speak her mind, it will give you the readers a better perspective of who she really is. Ladies and Gentlemen I am referring to...

  My niece dog Tia. So we brought here in to the Minch vs the World Studios to let here take a crack at blogging...


 Thanks Mike, it's great to be here. There are a couple of things I really wanted to talk about that have been on my mind for a while. 

1-I really don't get humans
The other day, Mike was over to let me out of my cage and raid my mom and dad's fridge--he thinks I don't notice. He let me outside and sat in the breakfast nook. I thought it would be a great day to show him the dead bird I've been playing with. This thing is a beaut. Bones, feathers, likely disease, everything a dog could want or enjoy. So I bring it over to him, rest it on the other side of the couch, and he starts freaking out!!! Not like, "Oh MY GOD YOU'RE FINALLY HOME!!!" freak out. Like, yelling and screaming. Then, and this is where I get pissed, the bastard throws it away!!! I share my dead bird with him, and he tosses it out, like it's garbage.

Don't even get me started on my parents. Dad leaves his sunglasses in what I refer to as "The Chew Zone" For future reference, "The Chew Zone" is basically anywhere within my reach. So it was well within my right to chew them, in fact it would be rude not to. When they come home, Dad's all pissed off. There is a code! Things in "The Chew Zone" get chewed!!! I'd like to tell you they beat the hell out of me for that, but my punishment was far more severe...

This is not okay...
 2)- Dear Lol Cats, and Lol Cats enthusiasts: Please cut the shit. This "I can Has Cheeseburger" nonsense is the Amos and Andy of the animal world, and you're making us all look like assholes.

3) The Arab Spring 
To me, the most interesting thing about the blossoming democracy movement in the middle east is the the emergence of social media as a means of

What The F--K is this shit? 

Okay, Minch here. This is my fault, I shouldn't let Tia guest blog, without letting my sister's dog Daisy have at least a paragraph. Floor is yours Daisy, keep the swearing to a minimum.

F--k You. Mike put me in the microwave once. I'd tell you he was drunk, but you probably already guessed that. Tia's a bitch. Daisy OUT!

Fair enough. Well that's it for this one gang. Next week, I'll be blogging live from Chicago, assuming the hotel has a business center, or someone brings their laptop. There's no way I'll be dragging the old 2002 Compaq along for the drive. Feel free to share this with your social media friends, and join the Minch Vs The World Platinum Club by following this blog on Google. My new Pop Tart runs on Eat Your Serial July 24th, and it's a doozie! 


Thursday, July 5, 2012

Minch's Summer of Love: Chapter 6

Crazy, Stupid Minch
The Movie House has been a living, breathing nightmare for the past several days. All of my colleagues and myself have been working asshole hours with little to no staff. It has been the perfect storm of evil between Ted and Magic Mike. Ted is bringing in the douchebag college kids, who likely have unlicensed Family Guy posters on the wall. Magic Mike has brought in a terrifying mix of cougars, wined up house wives having "Girls Night" and couples-The guy looks like he's been sent to prison, the girl is smirking, knowing that she is finally cashing in her payback chip from the time she was dragged to go see Battleship. My only reprieve, the delightful fans of the new Tyler Perry film. I can sense you think I'm about to say something obnoxious and/or racist. You're wrong. Comparatively so, they have been a treat. One lady called me, "A Blessing." In a ten hour shift where I'll get called an asshole fourteen times, (and that's a good day) being called a blessing is the only thing that prevents me from head butting a window...

There was one particularly amusing moment this past weekend. I was standing outside of a theater playing Magic Mike waiting to take back the Closed Captioning glasses (No time to explain those, ask me in person) from a customer. As the herd of ladies poured out of the double doors, they caught a glance of me and it looked like their post movie sense of glee got dented. It was as if I served as the dark angel of reality, and what guys in their wheelhouse of existence really look like. That right ladies, I am what Single Guy Free Agency looks like. Deal with it...

You've heard me mention the blog Chocolate is My Life more that a few times here. It's writer is Alyssa, whose mom is Joy, who yelled at me until I started blogging suggested I start writing a blog. Alyssa, whose blog is wildly popular, has been quite kind in offering me advice on how to get this thing moving. It's also a suspicion of mine that she was the evil Master Mind who sent her Mom to spy on Date 1. Joy's husband Vince, I believe was just along for the beer.  As she was up from Baltimore, we decided to have "The Chocolate vs The World Crossover Blog Conference 2012, Live from Panera Bread" It was fun. I bought a $6 cookie, and a homeless man barked at me as I walked in. Here's a picture...

I have managed to get pretty deep into this Chapter without offering even the slightest bit of information about Date 3: Revenge of the Sith. After being given fair warning from both Joy and Alyssa that intended to seek out and spy on this date (again Vince would join if beer was involved) I set up a genius decoy at a local Applebees...

You laugh, but these two charged up $400 in drinks and apps
In reality, we went to a local Mini Golf/Arcade Emporium. Good God, I am not good at mini golf, but I am good at getting tickets. I hit the 800 ticket jackpot on some weird slot machine game. As I stood at one of those ticket redemption voucher machines, feeding in tickets like an overgrown eight year old, I thought, "She would be well within her right to walk out on me while I do this." Thankfully, she didn't. We collected like 2000 tickets and while we certainly could have given them to kids...The hell with that noise. We got candy, and bouncy balls, and an inflatable Spongebob, who joined us for post game drinks.

He got a touch out of hand...

He has a problem...
 Perhaps most important, is that I mentioned the existence of this here blog. (To my date, not Spongebob, jackass!) That said...

Hi! How's it going? So, here it is. I hope you like it and find it acceptable and not weird. Feel free to take a look any of the episodes/chapters I written. Don't be put off by the fact I only have 15 followers, most of my friends are far too lazy to make up Google accounts. My followers are kind of like my Platinum Club. There's a far more robust following on my Facebook Fan Page  Oh and no one is literally stalking our dates, at least the police say I don't have enough evidence to press charges...

So there you have it. Great thanks to the good folks at for promoting MvW. I have a pretty big announcement for Chapter 7. I was going to say it here, but this got kinda long. I don't want to give anything away, but it's about the Minch and Topeck Show (With Dave Rector) coming back....