Friday, February 24, 2012

Episode 25: A Quarter for your Water

Sometime last year, I was at the Movie House when one of my coworkers talked about how we just got in a teaser poster for Hunger Games. I replied with, “What the hell is that?” I was promptly scolded. He went on to tell me not necessarily the content of the series, but rather its pop culture relevance, which I really don’t see how it would have crossed paths with me, but hey, what do I know?

What I don’t know is a damn thing about the storyline of this book series, so how’s about we take a gander at the trailer and figure it out, eh?
Follow along at home!!!

Ok, ten seconds in and it seems like this is the same angst-y teen melodrama as Twilight. Cue shiny vampires, jorts clad werewolves, and the girl from Zathura.

0:32- Lady Gaga? Wait, that’s Elizabeth Banks? What the hell have you people done to her? This is why we can’t have her on 30 Rock?

0:41 Ehhh! The Title!!!!!

Ok, I am gathering that this is some sort of a draft. I take it, being drafted into the Hunger Games in not a great thing, like being drafted to the St. Louis Rams.

1:11 - Katniss Everdeen? Ok, so the writer here clearly took, “JK Rowling’s How to Name Characters 101”

1:15- “There’s 24 of us and only 1 comes out” This is a Thunderdome? Ok, you’ve sparked my interest. Oh wait it’s PG-13, so I can’t imagine we are going to get any good old fashion coliseum violence…Too Bad.

1:30- Stanley Tucci with blue hair. Is he playing Ramona Flowers father, Gus Flowers?

1:32- Donald Sutherland?! Come on!! You were in Space Cowboys, have some dignity…

1:45- Ok so it is a Thunderdome, so why the hell was their first round draft pick that 9 year old?

1:48- Is that Woody Harrelson? Unless he’s playing either his character from ZombieLand or his character from Kingpin then no thank you…maybe if he’s playing Larry Flint.

1:53- Oh hey, teen angst. No kidding…

These last handful of seconds seem a lot like Tron set in the woods.

Finally, what’s with the Old Spice whistle at the end of the trailer?

I don’t get it, but I would never take it away from you, kinda like Sons of Anarchy. Now that I’ve successfully pissed off everyone, let’s talk about a thing I like!

But first. A history lesson. The year was 1999. It was summer, my friends and I had just finished sophomore year and were all jazzed up about a summer of BNL concerts, LaserQuest, and movies. There were two at the forefront that summer, South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut, and the crown jewel of movies we wanted to see…American Pie. We had one roadblock in our way, we were only 16. Honestly, that never used to matter, we got into There’s Something About Mary, The Matrix, and even Life

RIP Bernie Mac.

But after the tragedy at Columbine, President Clinton called on NATO-The National Alliance of Theater Owners (Their slogan: No you change your name, we had it first!) to crack down on letting kids in to R rated movies. So began a summer of unsuccessfully trying to get into American Pie. In one epic fail, we ended up having to watch Ben Stiller’s Mystery Men, which at the time I hated, but after watching it a couple of years ago, found it, not so bad.

Fortunately for us, Blockbuster hadn’t caught up with the trend, and renting it on VHS was cake! This movie defined a summer for us. Its sequel was released the summer before we all split up for college. The series has  drawn some interesting parallels, at least with the theme of friendship, not defiling beer, baked goods, and one another’s moms. The third one…no, let’s not.

So now here comes the new one. American Reunion. All the same cast, by the way, who would have guessed the Band Girl would be your most bankable star? Yeah you can make the argument for Stiffler, but for every “Role Models” there are like 50 un-watchable movies, (Mr. Woodcock, Bulletproof Monk.) This is the movie I am most looking forward to in the short term. Again, it draws a thematic parallel with the guys getting older and having to become people. Not to mention it comes out on my BIRTHDAY!! MinchDay 2012--yes that’s what I call my birthday, get used to it, you’re gonna hear it a lot in the next month. So frankly I see no other recourse then for the old high school gang and I to sneak into a screening of it. This is made more difficult by the fact that not only are we all by far old enough to watch it, because of my Movie House employment, we wouldn’t have to pay. I’m still working out the kinks in this plan.

You would think that the fact I went through a similar struggle over a decade ago, it would make me more sympathetic to the kids trying to get into R rated movies now. You would think that, and be wrong…screw those punks.

Finally, here’s a checklist for tonight's Sabres/Bruins game.
1-Score 3 goals, getting Rask pulled.
2-Score 3 goals on Thomas, making him cry into his pedophile mustache
3-Kassian fights Lucic.
4-Gaustad fights Marchand
5-Miller gets a shutout
6-Lindy tells BOS coach Claude Julien he looks like Yogi Bear.
The End

Speaking of The End, that’s it for this old boy. Share this one with your friends, on Facebook and Twitter by clicking the links below. Come on, do it. I don’t even charge you for this kind of hilarity! Thanks Everybody!!!


Friday, February 17, 2012

Episode 24: Min(ch)sanity

My apologies for the delay, although not really, I did two episodes last week, don’t get spoiled. Truth is, I threw the kitchen sink into the #23, and I didn’t want to follow that up with some half assed half-assery. Sort of like when Jamie Foxx did Ray, then followed it up with Stealth. Remember Stealth? No, and there’s a reason.

Facebook told me the Grammy’s were this past weekend. I am finding myself less and less interested with any and all award shows. I don’t really care what award voters like, just let me like what I like. Also Skrillex won Grammy’s? So we are just going to go ahead and start calling that music? At some point, I imagine Mozart turned to Nat King Cole in Non-Denominational Heaven and said, “They are just joking with this shit. Right?

To which, Nat responded with, “Hell with this nonsense, let’s watch Family Guy.”

Of course then Mozart started droning on about how Family Guy isn’t as funny anymore, and everyone rolled their eyes…

I’ve gotten off track. I did learn a neat trick while looking at Facebook during the Grammy’s…

And Now MVW Presents: How to piss off 90% of your Female Facebook followers in one easy step.

1) Post something disparaging about Adele. 

(For added effect, make it a slight about her weight)

Congrats! They are all pissed at you! Savor the hate. 

*For entertainment purposes only, does not reflect the thoughts or opinions of MVW.

Something neat happened while I was in the process of writing this blog. Earlier this year I used this forum to write an angry open letter to Time Warner Cable and MSG network. Their continued dispute led to millions of TWC customers being unable to watch Sabres, Rangers, Devils, and Knicks games. I equated the whole thing to two Super villains fighting. I asked, who would be our hero? Finally, our hero has stepped up, from the most unlikely of places.

Enter Jeremy Lin of the New York Knickerbockers, If you even flip past ESPN, you will likely hear his name twice.  His crazy on court talent, combined with the persistence and general unpleasantness of NY sports fans brought TWC and MSG to the table to reach and agreement. Not for the betterment of the fans, but so both sides can make a buck. Thanks for the deal, you are both still Mondo Assholes. Now at least I get to watch my Buffalo Sabres at home without it needing to be on NBC Sports, which means no more Pin Head Pierre McGuire criticizing them…

..because frankly I can do that fine myself. The Sabres have seemed to stomp out any type of momentum they were building in the past week, and the idea of them making the playoffs seems nearly impossible.

This seems crazy, the Sabres were a team that made major deals during the off season, and were favorites to be among the top of the Eastern Conference. Wait where have I heard this one before? Oh that’s right, my other team: The Boston Red Sox. What? You didn’t know that I am an avid, and branded Sox fan? Someone didn’t read Episode 1. They spent an assload making major moves last off season, and were the favorites to take the AL East, only to nosedive in August/September. Throw in the Bills getting everyone’s hopes up for the first couple of weeks only to reemerge as the real Buffalo Bills and you have what has been a rough stretch of sport seasons for this guy. I mean granted, the Sabres season isn’t over yet, but at this rate…FART

So why do honest people do this to themselves? Why subject yourself to a pain that is not only optional, but is something you have no means to control! You can’t score the game winning goal, or touchdown, or homerun.

In my humble opinion, fans do this, because the sweet is worth the sour. Sure the 2011 Red Sox season was a heartbreaking nightmare, but 2004 was a hell of a lot of fun. Yeah, last night’s Sabres game was hideous, (7-2 loss to the God Damn Flyers) but remember how you felt when Drury scored the tying goal against the Rangers in the playoffs. Worth it! We’ll take the lows, hoping that the highs are on the way…

Well, that’s it pals. The numbers on the last MVW were great, and it didn’t even require me piggybacking on my pals YouTube. Please continue to spread the word by sharing this old boy on Facebook and Twitter.


Friday, February 10, 2012

Episode 23: How Angels Ought to Smell

Welcome lovebirds to the Minch Vs. The World Valentine’s Day Episode. Truthfully, I was going to wait until we were a little closer to V-Day to post this, but I was bursting with good ideas for this one, so here we are. What is this single guy doing for V-Day? Am I going to be alone in my apartment with the lights off, drinking away what’s left of my liquor cabinet, while watching On Demand episodes of New Girl and gently weeping? I wish I was going to be having that much fun! Nope, I am at the Movie House!!! It’ll be the Minch and Maslyn show that evening, and we have already set a goal for how many people we’ll ruin the night for. Sure, you can call it vindictive, we like to call it industrious! And gentleman, as she is dragging you by the scrotum into either “The Vow” or “This Means War” (By the way, I have seen a small handful of Tom Hardy’s movies, I wouldn’t know him if he was standing in front of me.) Maz and I will be there, judging…

So how does a single gentleman handle a blog episode centered around Valentine’s Day? Do I mourn it, and vow that I’ll one day find the right girl and…oh God I just got douche chills. Do I rail against the holiday as being the work of a corporation trying to manufacture lovey dovey bullshit? No, I’m not Daria. I am going to do something completely different. I am going to help you. Ladies and gentlemen, this is my V-Day gift to you: Minch Vs. The World Valentines! The concept is simple, print out this blog, use nice paper--don’t be a savage, and give this to your guy or girl. Be sure to write “To: and From:” on the back because I can’t do everything for you. Ok, You have four to choose from…

The Standard:

The One With the Swear!


The Adorable One

The Overly Ambitious*

*Ok look, if you use #4 good on you, but if it doesn’t work out, MVW takes no responsibility.

I have a feeling these are going to be a hit. Ok, so it’s been 23 episodes and a couple of specials, so I feel like we are on the level. I can share information with you and be free of judgment. I’ve been on a dating site for a while, and it’s been in a lull as of late, perhaps you, my Smarmy Army can diagnose the problem. Here’s my profile pic:

I know what you're thinking. I should have a goblet of wine too. I'd look like a King!!!

Username: Dr. Love PHD.
Age: 28
Height: 5’9 (6’0 in my Chucks)
Weight: Robust
Hair: 89%
Interests: Hockey, Beer, Baseball, Beer, Movies, Jameson’s, Zooey Deschanel

I’m not going to go through and write my entire profile paragraph, but here are a few choice statements.

I’m looking for a girl willing to whip out the pepper spray if I’m losing a fight with a Canadian after a hockey game.”

I’m Sorry, I just don’t get the appeal of Big Bang Theory.” 

Don’t you hate when you give the thumbs down to Mumford and Sons on Pandora, and like 10 songs later they try sneaking another one of their shit songs on there? Really Pandora?!

I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong with this. It might be because I’m on, do NOT accidentally type, because you will not find a girlfriend on that site, you’ll find dongs.

And finally, I end with a story of the best ending of a date ever. This young lady and I went to Salena’s for beverages one night. I had met her through a different site She was incredibly nice, and pretty, and red headed (Plus!) We talked for a couple of hours, and I thought things were going fairly well. We went to leave, and were having that parking lot, “what happens next” moment. Before I could say good night, and move in for failure, fate stepped between us…

Fate was 6 foot tall transvestite. This wasn’t a, “Hey do think that might be a guy?” No, it was like Tommy Lee Jones decided to dress in Betty Rubble wig and pink dress. And that’s how you kill a mood. We both walked off moments later. Epilogue: We never spoke again.

I tell this story not as a tear open a wound, but as a story of hope for you! No matter what happens to you on V-Day this year, at least Tammy Lee Jones wont ruin your moment. Your welcome, and Happy Valentine’s Day


PS: Please Share this on Facebook and Twitter. You know how, be a pal!       

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Episode 22: My Sincere and Heartfelt Apology For Party Rocking

Frankly, I am alarmed by how many people read Episode 21. It surpassed my previous all time #1 (The MSG/TWC letter) by over 100 views. 90% of the credit goes to Maslyn, 8% goes to me, 1.5% goes to Spex, and .5% goes to margin of error.

I used the tail end of Ep. 21, to promote Maz and Spex’s opus, “Shit Rochester People Say,” though honestly by that point, it was the equivalent of me trying to promote the Super Bowl. People had already started spreading it like wildfire. Despite that, they were grateful enough to put a link to MVW right on the video. Next thing I know I have a shit ton of people reading me bitch about Subway, and Tom Brady, and whatever the hell else…I don’t go back and read them. So welcome aboard new comers!!!

A wacky cast of characters, including Maz and myself, hit up our local watering hole Paddy’s Irish Pub, on Saturday night. It isn’t often that we have the same night off, so we decided to celebrate by having a good old fashioned shit show! I became acquainted with my newest favorite vice, ecstasy mixed with acid, Bud Light Platinum. Maybe it’s the 6% alcohol, maybe it’s the shiny blue bottle, but dammit, I’m a fan. Throw in a few shots of Jameson’s, and you got yourself an evening of gentlemanly conversation and debate. Oh and someone recognized Maz from the video, and wanted to take a picture with him…

The next morning, I had gone from feeling like a million bucks to feeling like a buck-three-eighty. But it was Super Bowl Day. I like to imagine, that as I laid on the couch, half watching SNL, my heart was giving a pep talk to my liver, kidneys, and stomach…

Heart: God Dammit! I know we had a game yesterday, but today is the Super Bowl! I want you boys to suck it up and play like champions! There’s gonna be beer, there’s gonna be deer meat, there’s gonna chili, and you sons of bitches are gonna be ready for all of it! Why? Because your part of this team, and until we die, we never say die!!!

Brain: Uh yeah, Can I just say one thing here? Maybe its not the best idea to ----

Heart: SHUT UP NERD! We’ve never listened to you before, no need to start now…

(and scene)

As for the game itself, the only takeaway I had was this: After the game, Mrs. Brady, Gisele Bundchen said the following, “My husband cannot (expletive) throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time.” 

Here are my guesses at what (expletive) was:
1) Shit sandwich
2) Bitch Waffle
3) Fart Knuckle

So this was a fairly big slam on Tommy Boy’s teammates, and isn’t an example of being graceful when losing. So Mrs. B, since I had to scold your husband last time, might as well move on to you…

Look, I get it, your attractive, but the kinda of attractive where it’s annoying. You’re not gonna bother talking to me, so why the hell should I bother buying you a drink? I’ll buy myself a drink. Besides I like my girls a little more hipster/nerdy. The type that wouldn’t mind wearing a Ninja Turtles t shirt…Wait, where the hell was this going? Oh right, Super Bowl.

I know you were disappointed and angry over the end of the Super Bowl, but remember, and this is important: You were in the movie Taxi

America, we allowed this to happen...
…and when you are in the movie Taxi, you don’t get to criticize anything or anyone ever…at all. If you were on the show Taxi, then hell have at it (Go get ’em Judd Hirsch!) but you weren’t. You were in the movie Taxi. That might not seem fair, but you should have thought about that before you were in the movie Taxi.

Problem solved. Well that’s all for this one friends. Feel free to share this old boy on the Facebook. Just click the little F below. Then copy and paste the following…

Minch is like a modern day Hemmingway, not in terms of writing ability, but in alcohol consumption.


Friday, February 3, 2012

Episode 21: Just Like Ronnie Sang...

I don’t like to force these out. I would rather have almost a week between posts (where people can go back and enjoy the classic MVW’s) then fart out something that isn’t quite as good…like the Tron movies. I knew I was going to write something today, and I had a few ideas, but no real spark, nothing I felt passionate about. Then I went to Subway for dinner…

Let’s all begin with the fact that it’s my fault for getting Subway, and all of this could be prevented by going to a place that sells actual food, like DiBella’s or Wegman’s, both of which I readily prefer. When you are limited to 35 minute breaks, and a food court whose only comparatively healthy choice is Subway (all my paleo diet friends just rolled their eyes) your options are limited.

The Subway in Greece Ridge Mall has always had quirks that until now, I found tolerable. They never accept coupons, and a few months ago when Subway was doing its “Customer Appreciation” promotion where $2 got you a 6 inch meatball or cold cut combo, they chose not to participate. Ok whatever, the cold cut combo has bologna, and I’ll be damned if I’m eating Subway brand bologna, or any bologna for that matter. Past the age of 10 you should no longer be eating that shit, it’s made from tires. While it didn’t matter to me, the idea of not doing a customer appreciation promotion, is pretty blatantly saying to your customers, “Screw you losers.”

Ok, so this month marks FebruANY, whose name is so douchily bad it sends chills down my spine. Any of their footlong subs for $5. Low and God Damn behold, as I walk by Subway yesterday I see a very fancy sign (a black and white word document) that says *essentially* “Hey, you guys can go piss up a rope, because you ain’t getting your $5 subs here.” Of course, that Subway isn’t participating. They did during ANYtober, (I honestly feel ill typing those names, the marketing geniuses at Subway should be jailed.)

Here’s the thing about Subways, they are individually owned and operated, and the one is the mall is cleared owned and operated by a stingy, tightwad, asshole. It’s not a matter of them desperately trying to save money, as that location gets a lot traffic. It’s a matter of a cheap prick giving the finger to customers who just want to spend less on their overly bready, under-meated, sub with questionably sanitary vegetables.

Well NO MORE! I officially announce the first  Minch Vs The World BOYCOTT! Greece Ridge Mall Subway, welcome to my shit list. Guess I’ll just have to go to one of the other 18 locations on the same street. You are welcome to join in, but if you do, make sure you do the following: Stop in front of it, stare till someone there notices you, turn up your nose, give out a “hmmpf,” and stride away like a gentleman or lady. Take that Subway…dicks!

Hey the Super Bowl is this Sunday! My brother and sister-in-law are having their annual party, which is essentially and all day beerfest. Last year, to make sure I was awake and alert for the game, I had a Four Loko at kickoff. It was a REAL Four Loko that I had been saving for just such a special occasion.

One of my favorite things to do around this time, is pay attention to how advertisers try to dance around saying Super Bowl. As you may know, if you say Super Bowl in a commercial without paying the proper protection money, Rodger Goodell shows up at your house with a blackjack, and breaks your kneecap, then he sues you. Most ads just refer to “The Big Game,” but then how do I know they aren’t talking about the Sabres Islanders game on Saturday? Some opt for the far wordier, “Football National Championship Party” --yes, I’ve actually heard that. Wegman's used that one. To me that’s a worse sin that covering Adele’s husky Cosmo cover or firing the guy from The Shadow.  Try and listen for the next couple of days, see if you get what I mean with this…

As for the game itself, I am optimistic it’s going to be a good one. Two great teams, although to me it’s kinda Alien vs. Predator “Whoever wins, we lose.” By the way, Tom Brady, I know how you like to read my blog, so I’ll ask you directly. Do you really have to go around thwacking Buffalo’s nuts on media day? Of course the hotels aren’t nice, that’s why they are surrounded by bars!!! The hotel is just a place to keep your shit, in your case Man Uggs and skin cream, while you go out and get hammered. You should have swung by Jim’s Steakout and had Stinger sub, that would have changed your tune. I had one once, and was told I enjoyed it.

I’m told Kelly Clarkson will be at the Super Bowl this year. I know, we all just made the same joke…

Two of my friends, Maslyn and Spex made a video cashing in on the Shit people say craze. I have been dodging those videos like the draft, but this one is very well done and hilarious. Give it a look, and marvel at the quirks of “The Center City.”

Shit Rochestarians Say

That’s our show for today. I’m sure I’ll have a quick turnaround since SportsScape’s Dave Rector and I are heading to Buffalo on Wednesday to watch Sabres vs. Bruins. It’s on NBC Sports, so between all of the Bruins and Pierre McGuire I will be in a building with several people I dislike. Most importantly, I am going to fight to get a “Yes We Can” chant going when someone score on Tim Thomas. If Tukka Rask is in net, then well I guess I’ll just shit in my hat…

 Thanks for reading, be a gem and share this with your buddies.


PS 2/4/12  --Well holy shit. Maslyn and Spex saw fit to link me with their wildly popular video and this thing has exploded. If I knew you were all coming, I would have written about something more pertinent than how terrible Subway is. If you liked this, go ahead and take a look at past episodes, and LIKE Minch vs the World on Facebook.

Minch vs The World on Facebook

Thanks Maz and Spex...