Saturday, December 31, 2011

Episode 15: For Auld Lang Syne

Happy New Year’s Eve everybody! I hope you have solid plans set, and have already called in a favor so you know who your drunk bus will be. As previously mentioned, I will be in Buffalo NY to see the terrible hockey team that I love shit all over the ice. After that, who knows, but I’m pretty sure it’ll play out like a half assed Garry Marshall movie.

A small chunk of my Facebook friends have posted the following video. It features frequent MVW reference Zooey Deschanel and 50/50’s Joseph Gordon Levitt singing, “What Are You Doing New Year’s Eve?” Let’s have a look…


My first reaction to this (no, not enraged with jealousy) is, “Really God? You made him able to sing too?” I get the ability to be a wise ass, and the gene for baldness, and you give JGL good looks, acting ability, and a singing voice?! No, don’t You bring up karaoke. You know that doesn’t count. God’s uneven distribution of gifts aside, I do love that song, and they do a great job with it…dammit.

Moving on, as I look back on 2011, I feel like I only earned a B this year. Sure there was some cool stuff (Weddings, vacations, sporting events)  but not much in the life changing department. I am in essentially the same exact spot I was in this time last year. Maybe the answer is to do something crazy: Move to Ireland and work in a brewery, Get a Face Tat, Rob a bank. I don’t know, something to get some excitement, and most importantly, forward progress.

Much like most of you I have resolutions for this year. One of which is to read more. I have about 4 unfinished books that I half read then moved on to the next:

Yes Man: The book the movie is based on, no not the junior novel.
Walt Disney’s biography: It’s published by Disney Books so the anti Semitic stuff is likely edited out.
Kitchen Confidential: I have been borrowing this from my friend Kayla for about a year. I think she forgot.
Moneyball: Started reading this during Jury Duty, and never picked it up again.

…and I have two more books that I bought on line for Christmas on the way. It seems like whenever I decide to read, I get caught up in other things instead, like napping or TV.

The next resolution is hacky. I, like everyone else, resolve to not be a fat shit next year. There is a back story here…

In January 2008, I went with my brother, my sister-in-law (to be), and roommate, to Disney world. I started getting a bitch of a cold while I was there, but fought it off so I could enjoy the happiest place on Earth. Upon return, my body was like, “Ok that’s it asshole, you’re officially sick. Act like it!” Fearing it was Bronchitis, I went to an urgent care facility, where I found out not only did I not have Bronchitis but I DID have crazy high blood pressure do you my husky stature. By husky stature I mean being 316 lbs. I like to think I wore it well. So I decided from that point I was going to adhere to a strict diet and go to the gym I had been paying for, yet not going to. Long story short, with a little hard work and determination, I lost 135 from the end of January to August. To celebrate that my old buddy Topeck made this…

Yeah, both of those guys are me, and yet neither of those guys are me. I’m somewhere in the middle now. It’s easy to sit back on your own accomplishments, “Champ Fat” is the term I think of. Which in this instance is actual fat. So I resolve to recreate what I did in ‘08 and re-lose what I put back on. I want to regain my stealth power, by that I mean there were times at my thinnest that I would see someone I knew, and didn’t want to talk to and I knew I could get away with not talking to them, because the had never seen me thin! Brilliant, right?!

A good friend of mine from Brockport, who I will give the option of revealing himself, but for now let’s call him “TV’s Matt Calvin” gave me a call recently to sell me on CrossFit and the Paleo, which I am going to look in to, even though they scare me. For the most part, I will likely use the same method to Recreate 08. I will keep you guys in the loop on this.

Ok, so before I go, here is a public service for all of you going out to parties tonight. First don’t be a shit head and drive drunk, but second I have prepared a toast for you to say at midnight for whatever party you are at. The hardest part is going to be getting everyone’s attention, but once you do that, here goes:

2011 can go piss off, and now that 2012 is here, let’s punch it in the gut and kiss it on the lips, and show that bastard who’s boss. Happy New Year!!! Let’s all go read Minch’s blog.

You’re welcome. Here’s wishing all of you a Happy, Safe, and Healthy New Year. A special thank you to my followers, or “Minch’s Smary Army” As always, comments and links are greatly appreciated. Hey, what do you say we kick the shit out of 2012?


Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Episode 14: Minches in Paris

Hey everybody!!! How was your Christmas? And your Hanukkah? How did Kwanzaa treat you? Festivus? Alright, glad to hear it. My Christmas was downright decent. A sizable portion of it was spent working at the movie house. In the spirit of honesty: if you show up to the movies before 3pm on Christmas day, I hate you. Alas, it was a fairly uneventful shift, and I didn’t miss much by way of Christmas dinner--the family stuck around as per usual, and there was a shit ton of food left, (Fran would have it no other way.)

I broke a 28 year tradition on Christmas eve. I missed church in favor of a nap. In my defense, I did have to wake up at asshole o’clock to cash my check, and go get Fran’s Christmas present. I’ll be honest, it felt weird. I relapsed on being a lapse Catholic. Say a quick Novena for me to keep my soul fresh.

Hey, the Bills beat the Broncos!!! I would like to state for the record my ambivalence towards Tim Tebow. I don’t care. I do not like nor dislike this individual. On Saturday, he was playing against the team I like, so I wanted him to not win. Beyond that, I do not care. The argument I consistently hear is that he throws his religion in everyone’s face. Yeah, I don’t know about that one. Can we really blame him that ESPN has made him the go to story now that Brett Farve is off hunting pigs or whatever the hell people do in Mississippi? All he has done is won some football games in the awkward confusing fashion that seems to fit for him and his team--who are also contributing to the victories, but you don’t hear about that quite as much. In summation, I do not understand the hate for John the QuarterBaptist, but most importantly, I do not care. Oh, and Colin Cowherd’s a dick.

Moving on, if you’re reading this from western New York, it’s snowing like a bastard out there today. This is fairly disappointing, as it’s my day off and I wanted to piss away all the gift cards I got for Christmas. It isn’t often that I have purely disposable income to buy toys with, so when I get it, it burns a flaming white hole in my wallet. So here I am, relegated to blogging and doing laundry. Fun Fact: Laundry is the only situation where the despicable Jim Crow laws still apply. Two loads: White and Not White. But Mike don’t you separate reds and blues and…NO! 1)White 2) Not White 3) Towels 4) Jeans? What? Who the hell washes jeans? Ah, the joys of being a guy.

My roommate Jeremy has begun a regimen of eating well and exercising this week. I know! What the hell, right?!?!?! You are supposed to wait until NEXT WEEK to do that. You can’t do that now, because…you…umm, are supposed to wait until next week. Episode 15 is going to be about resolutions, and my top one: “Recreate 08.”  I’ll explain that next time, (Hot Damn, a teaser. And a catchphrase) In the meantime, I just want to state that it is an inconvenience trying to beast Christmas candy, while someone is eating bags of steamed vegetables. Also, I worked with my friends Kyle and Maz the past two nights, and we are 2 for 2 on going to Denny’s after work. Oh Jesus, that streak needs to end…

And finally, the other day I swung by Fran’s house to pillage Christmas dinner leftovers, my sister Kristin and her boyfriend what’s-his-name were watching MTV’s Friend Zone. Those of you not familiar, it essentially follows some poor bastard or bastardette as they breakdown and tell their long time friends that they have feelings for them. Ok, admittedly, the episode that was on featured two cute rocker emo girls, and that sort of roped me in. Then they showed a few in a row where it ended nicely, and both parties liked each other, and I became lulled into thinking the show had a sweetness to it…

Then there was an episode about this kid who liked his friend’s sister. The kid was nerdy but sort of acceptably and she, well I hesitate to say chubby, but was solid, but very cute. There, the stage is set. The montage they showed really made me think this kid had a shot. Yes, I understand the magic of editing. With proper editing, you could paint me as a Tea Party endorsing Yankees fan. First, he asks the brother’s permission, and the brother agrees but tells him that he’s “kinda pissed.” Why, you idiot? He asked if he could take your sister on a date, not ravage her on a subway you God Damn Neanderthal.

Anyways, he asks her on a date, she agrees. They are at some beer joint, when he starts spilling his guts. This whole time, mind you, she’s walking the line-as a viewer I have no idea what the hell she’s thinking. After he’s finished, she tells him that she’s shocked, and what he said, “melted her heart.” This apparently meant “Green Light” in his mind as he went in for the kiss…Game over. She pulls back, offers a ’thanks but no thanks’ and SCENE.

Ok, granted it’s my fault for watching something on MTV that isn’t Beavis and Butthead. But what the hell is the appeal of this bull shit show??? I felt miserable after watching that. Are we as a culture so obsessed with awkwardness, that a show like that has come to be. I didn’t even feel awkward, which I believe is the intended response, I felt sad. It trudged up every time I had been kicked in the chest, which I shall now list below…

No, not really

Damn you MTV and all of your programming, except Beavis and Butthead. And Serena Altschul, she’s okay too.

Okay Buddies, that’s it. Thanks to the cool cats who posted this link on their Facebook. You can do it too by clicking the little F link below. It would be downright decent of you. Next episode is the end of the year spectacular, featuring my Top Ten Countdown of the best… something 2011, I don’t know, I’ll drum up something. For now, peace and love.


Thursday, December 22, 2011

Episode 13: So This is Christmas…

Well if anything was to put a kringle in my otherwise fast paced and productive Christmas shopping it would be the damn movie house. Last month, corporate or Movie House Inc. (MHI) for purposes of this blog, dated our checks for the day before Thanksgiving rather than the usual payday, which would have been Black Friday. That means I got paid on Blackout Wednesday, which is counter productive… Any who, I was hoping against hope that this week’s checks would be the same deal. In all fairness, I could have emailed MHI’s payroll guy, but in my defense that guy is kind of a jerk. I met him briefly on my trip to the home office, and I would say he has a Napoleon complex, but somewhere in Hell, Napoleon is screaming, “Sacre Bleu!!! How dare you compare me to him. He is le douche!” Then muttered something about Pepe LePew.

So yesterday I waited around the movie house during my time off, like Clark Griswold waiting for his holiday bonus, only to find out the damn thing is dated for 12-23-11. Son of a hot God Damn!!! How do you see fit to bump up payday for Black Friday, but not the day before Christmas eve? I don’t get you movie house, I just don’t get you. It’s not the end of the world (that’s next year) I will just have to so some crazy ass running around the next couple of days to secure my final Christmas present, hopefully with Chuck Berry’s “Run Run Rudolph” in the background.

I cannot for the life of me find those monk salt and pepper shakers. Granted I haven’t asked anyone if they have seen them, but I assume they have sprung to life and begun feasting on small animals in preparation for their blood harvest. It’s a shame, I really wanted to show them to you guys, here’s a drawing of them…

So my New Year’s Eve plans are set! I am going to Sabres game. It’s their “Tux and Pucks” event and I can rent a tux for $20.12 for the evening. And you bet your biscuits (and your ass) that I will be doing that. I am leaning heavily toward wearing my Royal Order of the Water Buffalo hat as well that evening (look out ladies!) I’m wearing it in my profile pic, if you haven’t seen it somehow.
But Mike, aren’t you pissed at the Sabres, on the count of them playing like a leaky bag of horse shit?
Excellent question, yes I am annoyed at them at the moment, but they are my team. Of all the teams I support, the Sabres are my #1. They were my father’s team before me, and my grandfather’s team before him (well around the same time, 1970) I very much hope they find a way out of this current slump, hell they did it last year.

Hey here’s a fun thing, I’m sure most of you have already seen this, but maybe some of you haven’t. Here is my brief brush with ESPN stardom.AWESOMENESS!!! Go ahead take a look, scroll down and …….there you go!!! I am awesome. That pic was taken at the Party in the Plaza at the then HSBC Arena during the first home playoff game for Buffalo. How can I abandon them? I’m the Governor of the fans.

This will likely be my last blog before Christmas hits, so I want to wish you all a very wonderful holiday season. Whatever you celebrate, I hope it’s a great time. Oh and if you come see me at the movie house on Christmas Day, don’t indignantly say Merry Christmas to me, like you are a General in the War on Christmas. It’s not really a thing, and do you know how I know that? Because Glenn Beck said it was a thing.

Finally, I would like to make one teensy little Christmas request of you. If this blog has made you laugh even once, accidentally, scroll down and click on the little Facebook icon. Share this link with your pals so by this time next year, I will be having my servant write this while I sleep on a pile of money in my mansion. Just kidding, but seriously you helping me spread the word about this is all I want for Christmas…well that and an iPad.

Happy Holidays,

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Episode 12: How the Minch Stole Christmas

I begin with a fun fact: In high school, we actually mapped out the idea of doing a production of, “How the Minch Stole Christmas” for our morning announcement TV broadcast, or “Morning Update.” It was overly ambitious, as we even tried to get the chorus involved. Unfortunately, reality set in, the show was only 15 minutes, and was meant as a vehicle to let students know Crispitos were for lunch, and they had past due library books. A great script was written for it, and I’m sure I have it somewhere. Perhaps it will come to reality when I get that NBC Christmas Special.

Speaking of Christmas Specials, with my shopping all but done, I’ve been spending my time watching them and Christmas movies alike. Yesterday for example, I pulled the triple feature: Scrooged, Love Actually, and in my heart, the reigning champion: Christmas Vacation. Ok first I’ll let you get all your smart ass comments out of your system because I watched and very much enjoy Love Actually. Say what you want, it’s damn funny, it has Mr. Bean, and there’s boobies. To me, that’s a win all day.

Part of what works with Christmas Vacation is that I watch it once a year, on DVD, I have no tolerance for cable versions. That’s probably the best way to handle Christmas films. What’s that USA network? Does it suddenly feel hotter in here? All I’m saying is maybe we don’t need an all weekend marathon of Elf every weekend from Thanksgiving on. Put down your pitchforks friends, I’m not saying I don’t like Elf, how could I? You all know that movie has a certain someone I perpetually reference and think is wonderful: Leon Redbone (as the snowman!) Let’s sprinkle this film in a little more sparingly. Lord knows you have plenty of terrible shows to fill any void this would leave (No, I will never watch nor acknowledge Burn Notice.) I’m ok with how TBS or TNT, whoever the hell it is, handles A Christmas Story. Within the 24 hours, I usually manage to piecemeal the entire film together at least once, then I wont watch it again til next year. Of course if it is TBS, they may try to boost ratings by dubbing it “Tyler Perry’s A Christmas Story.”

So Bon Jovi’s dead. I hope the Philadelphia Soul wears JBJ armbands next season out of respect. Personally, I have been listening to “It’s My Life” at half volume out of reverence. Yes, I know he’s alive. Although his message verifying that said, “Heaven looks a lot like Jersey.” Which means he ended up in Hell. This story broke on a BLOG! That automatically means it isn’t true. 90% of people who write blogs are assholes, and you better believe I am in that percentage. So, are there no ramifications for pulling a death hoax? A Blogger or Bloggette can just go around claiming someone is deceased? Let’s Find out:

(For full effect please begin playing Kansas’ Dust in the Wind while reading.)

On behalf of everyone here at Minch vs. the World, it is our unfortunate duty to report to you the untimely passing of beloved Hanna Barbera 2nd tier character: Wally Gator  

                                                                  (1962-2011 RIP)

Gator was found dead in his Bel Air penthouse, and while the toxicology report won’t be made available to the public until after the new year there is rampant speculation that it is the result of an accidental overdose of black tar heroin. Gator was famously barred from the Laff-A-Lympics after failing a drug test implemented by the Yogi Yahooey’s Captain, Yogi Bear. He was immediately offered a position on bad guys team whose name I don’t remember, but he declined. He is survived by Mr. Twiddle the zookeeper, and his longtime domestic partner Snagglepuss. May angels lead you in Wally Gator, may angels lead you in…

Ok, a couple of things, 1) I could have gone on for about eight pages making Hanna Barbera references that no one understood, (Don’t believe me, Lippy the Lion M’Fer!!!)  2) If this leads one person to look up the Laff-A-Lympics, I have succeeded. 3) The bad guy team was the Really Rottens, it seemed funnier for me to not know.

How was the sweater party you ask? Why damn terrific!!! Here's a shot of the Magnificent Minch Brothers from that night.
                                                          Merry Christmas Ladies

Since I’m sure you are all wondering, my gift for the grab bag was a recordable storybook version of The Night Before Christmas, as read by yours truly. It was chock full of assholery, and when my friends said they would let their future kids listen to it one day, it prompted me to yell out, “OH GOD NO!!!” I received a pair of monk salt and pepper shakers. They are as awesome as they are terrifying. I’ll try to slap up a pic of them so they can eat your soul through your computer. This has become one of my favorite Christmas time traditions.

That’s it for this episode. As always thanks for reading. If you enjoyed this, why not be a gem and put a link to it on your Facebook page. Also, any likes, retweets, and comments are appreciated. I’ll pop in with one more before Christmas, so I’ll save my holiday greetings til then


Friday, December 16, 2011

Episode 11: A Game of Shadows

Hello friends! It’s been a busy week, and it’s only getting busier. I wanted to make sure I hammered one of these bad boys out for you so you have a little something to kick off the weekend right. This weekend I am attending Dennis and Ashley’s annual Ugly Sweater party. While I am wearing the same ugly ass sweater I’ve worn every year, I have a few accessories that will be the hit of the party. And my gift for the grab bag? Oh I wont tell you now, all I will say is: I win.  It isn’t even a competition but God Dammit, I win. Fortunately, I have the next day off so we get to skip the annual, “Minch shows up to work hungover as all holy hell Day.” Instead, I get to watch the Bills…oh wait, Dammit!!!

I spent my days off this week Christmas shopping. Unlike previous years, I was not met with my usual swell of frustration, leading to me internally scream, “SCREW IT!!!! THEY ARE GETTING THIS OR THEY CAN PISS OFF!” Rather, save for a few cop outs, I feel really proud of my gifts this year. I like giving gifts that will actually get some mileage. For example, last year I got the BossMan a Bills tie. (NOTE: The previous year, he and I weren’t on great terms so I got him a Page-A-Day “How To Deal with Stress” calendar. Ain’t I a stinker?!?!) Anyways, once the season started and the Bills were doing fairly well, he wore the damn thing everyday. Granted, after their plummeting, he has retired it and begun wearing the Christmas ties, but still, it’s nice to see your gift get actual real world use. I strived for that this year. The only person left to buy for is, yup you guessed it, Fran. I have a plan in place, so for the first time in forever, I’ll be done shopping early. It’s sort of ironic, I put up my fake Christmas tree for the first time in a while, and got shopping done early, and yet it feels like the least Christmasy December in recent memory…

Today, I went to go see the Sherlock Holmes sequel, hence the title of Episode 11. This has been a fairly excellent franchise, and one that I never really had a great deal of excitement for. That was until I saw the first one. At first, I thought casting Robert Downey Jr in the title role seemed like a bit of “strike while the iron is hot” stunt casting, but no, he has made this his role. It also introduces Holmes’ arch enemy Professor Moriarty. I always found it interesting that he was a professor. Could you imagine one of your professors being a super genius criminal? Lord knows I can. I’m not naming names, but only a super genius up to no good would allow me to broadcast the “Mike Minch Movie Minute.”

Fun Fact: I have always been drawn to villains in movies. Even as a kid, I was pissed off when Jafar got tricked by Aladdin. The guy had the game won!!! He was Sultan, and the most powerful Sorcerer in the universe. He had to take it one step farther like a jackass!!! Still pisses me off. I think its because, to be the hero is a bit vanilla. Take Superman, Lex Luthor (not the movie versions) is way more fun and ambitious. Plus occasionally, a worse villain shows up and you get to be the hero alongside your arch enemy. At least with this Sherlock Holmes franchise, Holmes is a bit of a genius, train wreck, hero/anti hero. I suppose I can relate to that. I guess what I’m saying is, I need an arch enemy…

So I’m sure you noticed the new colors. Slowly but surely I am learning to do new things with this blog. My hope is to have some pictures up soon, so you can see my handsome mug. I also just learned how to check the traffic here, and as previously stated on BookFace, there is an almost alarming amount of traffic coming from Russia. So welcome my Russian comrades, enjoy reading while sipping your vodka, and I will try to keep my criticisms of Ovechkin to a minimum.

Time to get ready for work. As always, thanks for reading. Please leave comments, like this on FacePage, and share this link on your FaceBook so all your friends can enjoy! Have a great weekend.


Monday, December 12, 2011

Episode 10: Minch in Space

Howdy! Say, am I the only one that is having a little trouble getting Christmasy without at least a little snow glaze here in Rochester. I understand the insanity of wishing for snow in this city, but a little crusting of December snow adds holiday ambiance. Please feel free to throw this back into my face in January when we get 12 feet of slushy brown shit snow.

Speaking of Christmasy, I am using this day off today to begin my shopping. For those of you unfamiliar with my holiday habits, this is fairly unheard of. I usually prefer to go days before Christmas, as I make better decisions when I am under the gun. Every year I romanticize Christmas shopping, thinking that I’m going to go out there and find great stuff for everyone and be done in an hour. Then reality strikes, Christmas shopping is a frustrating pain in the ass. I usually strive to have at least one “Home run” every year. One gift where I really feel like I nailed it. Everything else can bloop single, or me making it to first on an error. Even I no longer understand the baseball analogy, so we’ll move on…

The people who are easiest to shop for, are the ones who wear their interests on their sleeves. This is why it is, and has always been notoriously difficult to shop for my mom. Let’s compare and contrast, if any of you were to buy me a Christmas present (I’m not saying you have to but it would be nice, and I could use an iPad) you could probably figure something out without any prodding from me due to my interests, even just from being stated here and on The BookFace.

Minch’s Interests: Sabres, Red Sox, Beer, Chicken Wings, Movies, hipster girls, and being amazing.

Out of that, you could probably get at least a little something that I would enjoy. Now let’s apply that to my mom, or as you all lovingly know her, Rumple Fran.

Fran’s interests: Daisy the Dog, …um wine? …cover bands at Pelican’s? Kindly serving as drunk bus for all three of her kids?

There is a reason that God damn dog is first and the only one without a question mark. So you see what I am dealing with. My sister in law is kinda the same deal, but I at least know she likes Rascal Flatts, so if FYE is having a sale on terrible music I’m in luck. I’m just kidding, I’d never shop at FYE.

Every year, Fran says to just get her a gift card to the Del Monte spa. Yeah that’s great except, I gotten her that like 12 years in a row, and with a gift like that, once its gone it’s gone. I like a tangible gift, like a toy…because I’m six years old. I’m going through this whole rant NOT TO MOCK anyone, as I am sure I will be accused of, and/or called an asshole, but rather to express that I would like to get a superior gift for Fran this year, though I may just get the damn gift card…

I would like to tell you about an element of my job at the movie house that you may not know existed. As “Marketing Manager” part of my jurisdiction, (now technically the only part) is organizing and hosting kiddie birthday parties. For some, this may strike you as surprising. Frankly, it surprises me, but here’s how this came to be.

About five years or so ago, we had an influx of people requesting kiddie parties. In those days, no one was in charge of them, so anyone could schedule parties, and the end result always seemed to be, “Surprise Minch! There’s a birthday party! Go do stuff for it!” I figured since these were going to be dropped on my head, I might as well take over the whole thing so I can implement a system. Thus I crowned myself “Birthday Czar”  which is the equivalent of saying, “Well if I’m going to get shot in the leg, then at least it’s going to be with MY gun and MY bullet.” I assume that was Plaxico’s logic.

Here’s what’s weird about these parties, kiddies find me hilarious. I find that troubling. Granted, I am able to filter my comedy routine, so I’m not cursing like a sailor or making references to Perfect Strangers. I have a handful of stock kiddie jokes for birthday parties, like the following:

“Tim Connolly walks into a bar. He’ll be out 6-8 weeks”

No, not really. In fact I stole the shit out of that one. Truth be told, when I give a tour of the projection booth, it’s always the same tour. If you see me out and have 10 minutes, ask me to do the booth tour, I can give you the script pillar to post, every joke, every cadence. The Chief of projection and I are the only two people that do them, and if he is doing the tour, they get one that has actual information communicated in a warm fatherly way. With me, it’s jackass hour.

Under my reign as Czar, there has been no lack of wackiness, and misadventures. Two birthdays booked on the same day for the same movie, with only ONE party room? You bet! A bird flying out of the party room and attacking the birthday boy? Damn right! A party showing up 20 minutes after their movie started? Why of course! Movie House Birthday Parties: One of the Reasons I Drink!

This was on my mind today as I had my last birthday of the year yesterday, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Here’s hoping that by the time the next one rolls around, the phrase, “If only Minch were here.” gets said…No, not because I’m dead, because I have a new job. Jesus, what’s wrong with you?

Well I suppose I should start shopping, though I’m considering getting everyone a leather bound copy of this blog. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. After reading Alyssa’s blog over at  (which you should as well) I have come to realize that this thing is bare bones. It needs some colors, and pictures, and a sponsorship from a prominent beer company, (I’ve turned down Utica Club like three times.) MVTW needs some sizzle to go with the already delicious, well cooked, and perfectly seasoned steak. I will consult her on how to do this, so stay tuned. As always, thanks for reading. Now be a gem and leave some comments, like this on Facebook, Retweet it, and print out a copy to shove in your coworkers face. That way we can accomplish my goals of becoming rich, impressing the ladies, and sticking it to all of my peers who decided to go out there and get real jobs…jerks!


PS: If you got either of the references in my last two episode titles, just know that I'm very proud of you... 

Friday, December 9, 2011

Episode 9: The One with the Title Structure Like That Old Show I Used to Hate...

This was supposed to come out two days ago, in fact, I was busy writing it when I received a phone call…it was my mom. During that phone call, I received ANOTHER Phone Call!!! This one was of the game changing sort. Do I have to still dance around that this was about a new job? Christ, I hope not. I can’t honestly imagine anyone reading this who believes I want to stick around the movie house forever. Any who, they wanted writing samples, “Perhaps some papers from college.” Trouble is, I graduated from college in 2007, where does the time go? All of my papers seemed a bit dated, even my fairly well written final paper for Political Behavior rallies against major current events like the Valerie Plame outing and the purging of the US attorneys by the Justice Department, don’t bother looking them up, it’s irrelevant. That’s when I called on the greatest resource I have at my disposal, no not my liquor cabinet wiseass, my friends. Some great individuals, even my creative writing teacher from high school, stepped up to offer advice. I sent in the samples today, and quickly received a response that new candidates will be reviewed after the first of the year. It’s a little bittersweet, there is a big optimistic “To Be Continued” tacked on to this storyline, but damn it would have been great to not have to work on Christmas. Oh well, wish me luck. You religious types say a quick novena for me. Maybe 2012 will be the year…

I got a fairly good amount of feedback from Episode 8. Some was about foie gras. I got the shock/disgust that I have become accustomed to when I admit I haven’t been to NYC. For the record, it’s not that I don’t want to, I just haven’t. I have been to LA, so there’s that… All in all, this tells me I’ve got you guys reading, so thanks. What I could use are some more followers (thanks to the ones I have) and comments, so I can convince Labatt Blue Light to sponsor this blog. “Never take on the world without the cold refreshing taste of Labatt Blue Light: The Official Sponsor of MVTW” See the ads write themselves.

Speaking of beer, Matt Barnaby is in the news this week. He’s a former ESPN hockey analyst who played for the Sabres. I remember watching him with the Amerks back when I used to go with my Grandparents, many a year ago. Barns was an instigator, in non hockey terms, an asshole, but for a while, he was our asshole. Over the weekend, Barns got pegged with a DWI. The police found him driving around suburban Buffalo MISSING A FRONT TIRE!!! The front of the car was scraping on the ground, shooting sparks. To steal a phrase coined by his former employer, “Come on Man!” What concerns me is that this rounds out a particularly bad year for the guy. He’s already gone through a divorce and had a previous run in with the law. Basically it comes down to this, Barns hit bottom and when you hit bottom, you have two options: pick yourself up or fall further down. Here’s hoping he does the former.

I feel the need to expand on a point I made on Facebook earlier this week. My status was, “I can’t be the only one that thinks WARM 101.3’s selection of Christmas music blows, right?” On the off chance I have anyone reading from out of town, state, or country. WARM 101.3 is a local soft rock station notorious for playing 24 hours of Christmas music starting mid to early November and lasting until New Years Eve. Their selection leaves something to be desired. The last five or six times I have turned it on it has been “Jingle Bell Rock” and let’s be honest, that song stinks. Hell I bet if I turn it on now…

Ok no it was Anne Murray singing “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” See I could have lied and said it was “Jingle Bell Rock” but I didn’t, because this blog has journalistic integrity. Anne Murray also makes my point too. What the hell year is this? You can’t find anything more recent? The most recent stock of music in their play list is that Mariah Carey Christmas album that everyone on earth had. That’s not to say newer is better. I never hear Darlene Love’s “Christmas (Baby Please come home)” or anything off of “Phil Spector’s Christmas Gift for You” and quite frankly the only thing that makes that album not perfect, is the fact that a murderer’s name is in the title.

Also, and this may be the most egregious sin, they play the Aaron Neville version of “What Christmas Means to Me.” Son of a Hot God Damn!!! Why on earth would you even think of playing anything other than the Stevie Wonder version!!! No other version should exist!!! But WARM is the only Christmas music station in town, so we have to choke down Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey. I’m not asking them to change their format, I don’t want them to lose their core audience of soccer moms, and broken dads, but maybe sprinkle in a little something now and then. Maybe a little New Found Glory’s “The Christmas Song.” will go far. At least play “Christmas is All Around” from the movie Love Actually-a holiday favorite of mine. It’s sung by Bill Nighy (Davy Jones in the two Pirates movies you didn’t like) and it’s amazing. But what do I know, I’m just an asshole with a blog.

As I have documented, it was my Marketing Manager colleague Joy who bullied, scolded, encouraged me to start this baby up. Her experience in the blogging world comes from her daughter Alyssa, who has a very successful one. We had a very beneficial conversation yesterday in which she offered me some great advice on how to move this forward. Please check out her blog It’s smarter than mine and has pictures, and colors, and things I do not yet know how to do on my page. Thanks for reading, and be sure to comment and follow. I would like to have this make me rich by Christmas.


Monday, December 5, 2011

Episode 8: Don’t Hate, Motivate. (Or Hate, what the hell do I care?)

Hey, how was your weekend? Good? That’s great. I spent a healthy chunk of mine in Buffalo for something of a gentlemen’s excursion to watch the Bills face the Tennessee Titans. There is actually a lot of sports related things I’d like to discuss, certainly including: The 2011 Bills, people’s hatred of the Bills, Tootoo running Miller during Saturday’s Sabres game, Miller dropping bombs, and of course Tootoo’s stupid last name. I’ll save all that for later in the week. I came to this episode with a purpose, a meaning, a theme!!!

Motivation. Have you ever wished that someone could bottle motivation and sell it? Don’t say coffee or Red Bull, because anything that can be mixed with Baileys or Vodka respectively is not genuine motivation. After the busy Thanksgiving weekend, life returned to normal and I returned to working nights at the ole movie house. Working the night shift usually is something in the wheelhouse of 5:30ish to 1ish. What do I do from about 10:30 AM until 4:30 PM when I start getting ready for work? This is where a nice 20 oz bottle of Motivation, or Diet Motivation would come in handy, as the answer is best characterized as, “Fart around.”

TV, nap, more TV, doze off, Facebook, sleep, then oh shit its 4:45 PM, better hustle. Some days I can work in little victories like writing a blog, or doing a couple loads of laundry. Today I am doing both. Big win for this guy! Most days, I have ideas of things I should take care of then, ‘Oh shit, STARZ is playing Tron: Legacy again! There goes two hours.’  (Do they really have to play it every God Damn day? They know I’ll just end up watching it)

Around 3:30 I start getting the old “You realize you’ve accomplished nothing today, right?” feeling. I try to counter this with a glimmer of hope that maybe something life affirming and great will happen at work, leading me to feel pride and accomplishment. Such things are not quite possible at the movie house. It’s at the moment I pull in to the parking lot at the theater that I think, “If this was my last day on Earth, I’d be really pissed off at myself.” I don’t think that in any type of cryptic fashion, just existentially. I made no forward progress toward bettering myself as a person. I didn’t find a new job, I didn’t meet any new ladies, I didn’t shuffle my ass back to the gym so I can go back to “Is Minch dying?” weight. These are three realistic life goals (A Triple Crown, if you will) that have remained dormant as I have been mired in the cycle of sleeping, TV watching, and Facebooking…

If the comet were to hit or aliens were to attack and some other terrible Bruce Willis movie were to play out in reality, I’d have to live with the fact that I never visited Europe. I never made it to the NHL Hall of Fame as a play by play broadcaster. I never tried foie gras. Never visited NYC---that one always seems to shock people. I never met Zooey Deschanel or had a garbage plate with Jeff Bridges. Ok. Perhaps some of these goals are a bit more lofty, but they are unaccomplished goals all the same!

While writing this blog, I received a phone call. No seriously, it was like a movie. Guy writes a blog bitching about being stuck in a rut, only to get what may be a game changer phone call regarding one of his Triple Crown life objectives. I don’t want to get into details at this early juncture, but it wasn’t the RAC, and it wasn’t anyone looking for a date. Wish me luck, I’ll keep you updated.

Motivation has to be a self made brew. Your family and friends can’t get out there and seize the day for you. They can try to influence and inspire, but it is on the individual to not get caught up in alluring web of napping, internets, and watching Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an hour and a half until work, which I intend on spending monitoring Facebook to see all of you like this, comment on it, and tell me I’m wonderful. Day well spent!