Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Episode 7: Worth the Wait.

Hey gang, sorry for the delay. The combination of both the holiday weekend and trouble with the internets are to blame, but here we are, back again!

The Buffalo Sabres…Nope, next subject.

The Red Sox hired their new manager yesterday, Bobby Valentine. He sounds like the good guy in a 1950’s teen romance movie (or picture as the old timers will tell you.)

Hey, did you hear, Bobby Valentine is sweet on Sally Sunrise?

Yeah, but so is Shanks Calhoon. He wants to fight Bobby by the flagpole right before the sock hop
Cue offensive depiction of African Americans, and SCENE.
See, fits perfectly. Anyways, I was saddened by the way former coach Terry Francona left, but this seems like a good move. As a Sox fan, I will ignore the fact that Bobby V came off kinda bat shit crazy this season on ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball.

This past Friday, something strange and unusual happened. I worked from about 8:45 am til about 6:30, went to Mom’s to pillage Thanksgiving leftovers, and returned home to watch the Sabres get murdered by the Columbus Blue Jackets--yes that’s a real team.  Just when I started thinking about what I wanted to do with my night, I realized I couldn’t do it. I was out of gas. The late night’s and early shifts had beaten me. I went to bed at 11:00 PM!!! How sad is that? Sure I woke up feeling refreshed and ready for the day, but part of me felt empty…my liver.

As busy as the movie house was, things ran fairly smoothly. I credit this in no small part to the Regal Star Shaped Stress ball I was given when I went to “Regal Entertainment University” (Production Note: I will be dedicating an entire blog to that story, as it was an adventure!!!) It seemed like the moment I took it out of my pocket, people knew my opinion on what they were telling me. This was a most beneficial practice and one I see fit to continue, until my Regal Rage Star supernovas in my tightly clenched fist.

 There are commercials that I hate, and then there are commercials that are the metaphorical equivalent of farting on the flag, and tinkling in a church’s holy water. The new Hyundai Holidays ad campaign is the later. Look, Jeff Bridges is one of my favorite actors, so he is excused. He does the voice over, and likely doesn’t know what the end result will look like, that was his excuse for doing “Surf’s Up.”  The commercial consists of a white rapper, “DJ Dave” and his buddies wrapping about the benefits of a Hyundai. It’s offensive to black people, white people, and various species of aliens. Why can’t we just have those two hipsters from last year? Sure the guy looked like a doofus who reeks of hummus, but the girl was cute. I do like me some hipster girls. Your first (of three) homework assignments is this: 1) Youtube the DJ Dave Hyundai Commercial. Do your best to not claw your eyes out.

Finally, the comedy world lost one of the greats yesterday. Patrice O’Neal died, presumably as a result of a stroke he had earlier this month. He was recently on the Charlie Sheen Roast--he was my favorite act. His seemingly genuine vitriol for Anthony Jeselnik was incredibly funny to me. Patrice was no stranger to being offensive, and I am not about to say that everyone would care for his comedy, but to me, it was honest. He strove for honesty, and even though I don’t agree with everything he ever said, I know it came from his heart. He had some bit roles on Arrested Development, and The Office, but was best known for being on the Opie and Anthony show. He was a hell of a funny guy, with an incredibly interesting world perspective. Homework assignment 2)Youtube Patrice O’Neal’s Unmasked Sirius XM interview- it’s an hour long, full of swears, and hosted by Ron Bennington of Ron and Fez - a hero of mine. It’s an incredibly funny and interesting listen.

Ok gang, until my internets shit out again, I’m going to try and turn one of these suckers out a day. As always your feedback means the world to me. Oh I almost forgot your last assignment. 3) Get one of your friends to start reading this blog, please.  Thanks!


Friday, November 25, 2011

Episode 6: All Blogs go to Heaven.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. Even though I spent 9 hours of mine in the movie house, the rest was pretty great. From what I can remember, Blackout Wednesday was a hit. Good friends, great cameos, and beer. Plenty of beer. If you didn’t go, I am mad at you…

Earlier on Wednesday, I went to go see The Muppets. I was incredibly satisfied. Jason Segel clearly has a reverence for these characters, and you can tell that this film was handled with care and love. My only complaint about the movie was the trailer for “Alvin and the Chipmunks 3: We’re Not Even Trying Anymore” Why is it, that every other Christmas, Fox feels the need to shit out another one of these abominations? Also, really David Cross? Jason Lee I can forgive, what with “My Name is Earl” being canceled, but you? You made a career as a comedian skewering this type of pop culture tripe and now here you are, back to round out the trilogy! What’s saddest about this whole thing is that it’s all but guaranteed to make over $100 million, and likely beat out Tintin---ok, you don’t know what Tintin is. It’s a motion capture film based on a popular book series directed by Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson. “But Mike, this is a kiddie movie, it isn’t meant for you!” So is the Muppets, but that movie had an intelligence to it, and a heart. It didn’t derive all of its comedy from sarcastic little one liners. Go watch the eye rape of a trailer, which later becomes an ear rape once they start singing. I certainly don’t want to say that Alvin and the Chipmunks 3 is everything wrong with America, but it certainly not helping things.

Sigh, anyways, reflecting on this Thanksgiving, I, like hopefully all of you reading this, have a great deal to be thankful for. It’s far too easy to get caught up in the negativity in this world. We have a news media that essentially is fear based, government moves with the swift elegance of two monkeys humping a football, the economy is in the shitter, oh and war, let’s not forget about war. Jesus, I’ve painted myself into a corner here…

I believe that there still exists good in the world. The good outweighs the bad. We cannot allow the times that we live in to dictate who we are. As long as you have family and friends, and breath of air in your chest, you have something remarkable to be thankful for. I am thankful for that, and for Saranac Carmel Porter, and the Buffalo Sabres--even though they are all injured. No matter where you are in life, always remember, it could be worse, and more importantly, within you holds the potential to make yourself better.

The feedback I have been getting from you guys, mostly in person, has been great. Thank you, as long as I know you guys like this, I’ll keep it going. Honestly, I am having a hell of a lot of fun doing this. That said, I feel like I need to extend another thank you to Joy Roberts, as it was 80% her idea. If you are Black Friday shopping, good luck, and I could use an iPad.


Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Episode 5: My Gift is My Blog and this One’s for You.

Hey gang, yesterday was everything I wanted it to be. Clearly someone is reading this thing, as somebody tipped off my mom that not only was I coming to her bowling league, but I was looking to score free beer and pizza. For those of you who enjoy continuity, I went with chicken fingers instead…

Yesterday the hockey world was a buzz about the return of Sidney Crosby of the Pittsburgh Penguins. Ok, here’s the thing, I am not so much of a homer that I won’t acknowledge the guy’s extraordinary talent. That being said, I have always considered him to be the arch rival to Buffalo’s Ryan Miller. If you think about it, that rivalry makes far more sense than this forced overly marketed Ovechkin/Crosby rivalry. Truthfully, Crosby has bested Miller on some very high profile occasions: Both the first Winter Classic, and (guard your heart) the Gold medal game in the last Winter Olympics. I have no doubt Millsy will have opportunities to balance the scales. I find it a teensy bit suspicious that his first game back was not only a home game, but against the Islanders-the worst team on Earth. All the same, welcome back Sid, good game last night, now kindly go eat shit. I’m sure the NHL will be just as excited when Smoking Jochen Hecht comes back.

Let me run this by you guys, do you have any friends that you only ever interact with on Facebook, and on the occasion you do see them you think, “oh hey, it’s that guy from the internet!” It’s almost like they are an F-list mini celebrity. It usually subsides after a couple of minutes then you realize, “eh, it’s just Bruce.”

Maslyn and I were having one of our Boston Legal epilogue conversations (every episode ended with James Spader and William Shatner discussing the events of the episode while drinking scotch and smoking cigars. We didn’t have scotch or cigars, and it was over the phone) when Maz said to me that I put too much effort into my Facebook page. He’s right, but here’s why…

Throughout my time in school, I always had a project to work on that stimulated me creatively. There was Fat Guy Friday, where Dave Evers and I ripped off everything we ever saw on Late Night with Conan O’Brien. Then came WMCC’s Minch and Topeck show. In Brockport, I did The Mike Minch Movie Minute. Also, I took a course called Live TV. We did one hour long live shows on cable access. While there are some very close seconds, this class was the best experience I had academically in college. Professor Carvin Eisen taught us to swim by throwing us in the lake, and I have three hours of live television, one of which includes an interview with Senator Joe Robach, that I am very proud of.

Now that I have graduated, there are no projects. Sure there was the thirty seconds I was “Marketing Manager” at the theater, and I still hold on to that title with the ferocity of an Assistant (to the) Regional Manager, but it was never the same.

Everyone has their own use for Facebook. Some connect with old friends. Some use it to keep in touch with those far away. Some use it as springboard to score dates. I use it, (as well as this, and my twitter) as means to write. I don’t know if I’ll ever find that job that satisfies me creatively, shit I hope so, but in the meantime, I’ll ask Questions of the Day, answer your questions during Ask Minch, and most importantly if the planets are aligned correctly, I’ll drunkenly respond to you liking my post.


Monday, November 21, 2011

Episode 4: If a Blog Shits in the Woods...

Today is my first day off since Twilight started, and holy hell it came in the nick of time. I could feel my Rage meter bump up to 98%, as opposed to my usual, far more comfortable setting of 93%. So, what am I going to do with all this free time? Well, I’m going to pay some bills, do some laundry, maybe visit my Mom and sister at their bowling league (to try and short con a pizza out of one and a pitcher of beer out of the other). All in all, I’m not doing much, but that’s alright as there is a grand event on the horizon.

Do you remember that period where they kept having Steve Urkel show up on other ABC shows for one episode cameos? (Stick with me, this will come up later.) Also, when exactly did Family Matters go from being a sitcom about the daily life of a suburban African American family living in Illinois to a spring board for Urkel-Bot, Stefon Urkell, and Waldo Geraldo Faldo? (This has literally nothing to do with today’s blog, but is still a valid question)

If you know me, and honestly I don’t think there are any strangers reading this blog…YET, you have heard me refer to “Blackout Wednesday.” This is my branding of one of the biggest drinking nights of the year. You may ask yourself, “Why is this important to Minch, that sweet hearted, handsome devil that he is?” The answer may surprise you a bit.

Obviously, there is a part of me that likes to go out with my merry band of miscreants and show the rookies how its done. You can usually spot the rookies in the bar, they’re the ones doing $40 shots of grenadine with a thimble full of well gin.

What’s more important is what Blackout Wednesday has become in recent years: A collection of everyone I know coming out together and having a good night. It gets wacky as different friend groups (college, work, old timey pals,) intermingle. This leads to different worlds colliding, like when Urkel was on Step by Step and/or Full House!!!--see, I promised!!!

This Blackout Wednesday is extra special as it also includes a major Sabres game, and the release of a movie that I have been waiting for all year. You guessed it: The Muppets!!!! …yes, I’m serious. What? Hey screw you, I didn’t make fun of you for going to see that stupid sparklely vampire bullshit. If there is time, I really want to work in watching the greatest Thanksgiving movie of all time: Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. If you haven’t seen it, do yourself a favor, as it is John Candy’s finest work, and yes that’s including Camp Candy (look it up.)

Any of these activities are open to the public. Feel free to contact me on Facebook if you want more info (just incase there are strangers who read this) I very sincerely hope to see you out Wednesday night.

This thing is still in its infancy, and I would love to hear from you guys reading it. What do you like? What do like slightly less? Any topics you’d like me to tackle? I thrive on your feedback so let me hear it. Thanks for reading!


Sunday, November 20, 2011

Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith

Oh hey gang, I’d be a rotten bastard of a liar if I didn’t begin by congratulating Josh Greenwood on being my 600th Facebook friend! He and I worked together at the theater about a 150 years ago, and most recently hung out at the Fantastic Rector Wedding! Thanks Josh!

Alright so what’s new? Well, the First Niagara Center is cursed and/or haunted. Sabres are 5-6 on home ice, and that blows. Sabres’ GM Darcy Regier clearly needs to hire a priest to cleanse the evil spirits out. Their next game is Wednesday when they take on the Boston Bruins for the first time since Milan Lucic (Lew-cheech: Serbian for: Asshole) took out Ryan Miller. As much as I want them to win, I also want them to be physical. By physical I mean I want to see Tyler Myers skate over Lucic’s throat (that’s not over the line, right?) It’s an added bonus that the game is on Blackout Wednesday, and Paddy’s will be packed with like minded drunkards.

Three days of dealing with Twi-Tards has tuckered me out. I could use a vacation. My brother Dennis and his wife Ashley often talk about their honeymoon in Mexico, which was all inclusive. This usually makes me so insanely jealous that I want to kidnap their dog Tia, and raise her as my own. Odd responses to jealousy aside, perhaps we could all work together and start a charity to send me on an all inclusive trip to Mexico, or if you are going already, just bring me along! I’m a delight and can only enhance your vacation experience. And don’t worry, if it’s a honeymoon I’ll just hang out at the bar while you guys, “Do your taxes” - as Joey Gladstone once explained to Michelle Tanner.

Well the Bills kick off in about 45 minutes, and Lord knows I can’t resist a good disappointment. Enjoy your lazy Sunday…


Friday, November 18, 2011

Episode 2: So Now What?

Hi, welcome back. Here’s a couple of fun notes since our last meeting.

Wow, Wednesday’s Sabres game was an abortion wasn’t it? Losing 5-3 to the New Jersey Devils is bad, but what’s worse is how long it takes to air the Jersey stink out of the First Niagara Center. The boys in blue and gold look mighty inconsistent this season, but that’s for another time.

Last night, and my fake excuse for not blogging yesterday was the midnight show of Twilight: Breaking Dawn or as a certain projectionist labeled the print “Twilight: Breaking Wind”-I wish I could say that was me, but I will leave it up to the responsible party to come forward and receive their well deserved praise. I’ll be honest, I am at a point in my life where I am unimpressed by busyness. Yeah, it’s busy, it was busy for the Harry Potter movies, it was busy for Dark Knight, shit it was busy as all holy hell for the Grinch. I’ve seen it before, and as long as none of our ancient shit pot equipment doesn’t fail, we’ll be fine. And we were…

I have this weird obsession with screwing with the minds of these crazy Twilight folk. As I was manning the ticket taker station, keeping the hoards of  fanatics, who came hours early mind you, at bay, I joked with them about which theater I was going to start the movie in first. (SHOP TALK: Twilight was playing in 4 different theaters at midnight last night) I told the lunatics that whatever theater I started last would be five seconds behind. This spiraled into a crazy debate amongst the psychos about how terrible it would be to be five seconds behind everyone else. Weep for humanity. Truth be told, I like the enthusiasm of these crazies, but I find the whole thing atrocious.

The real reason I didn’t write a blog yesterday is because I spent my pre work free time catching up on Boardwalk Empire. What? Never heard of and/or don’t watch it. Son of a bitch!!! Why doesn’t anyone watch this show. It’s amazing, and every week I see it, and want to talk to someone about it, but no one gives a damn. With Sopranos (Boardwalk is created by the same guy, Terrence Winter) the Monday after it aired you could find 10 people who were ready and willing to talk about how awesome/mediocre/then better/then awesome again the episode was.

I have a very particular taste in television, namely if it’s on CBS, it blows. I can’t understand a world where NBC’s Community struggles, but CBS’ Fat People In Love has amazing ratings. I guess what I’m saying is, if Community gets canceled, I’m going to fist fight the entire cast of Big Bang Theory. I know I can at least beat the asshole from Roseanne and the big headed fella that keeps winning undeserved EMMYS.

Ok gang, that’s all for now. I have a busy ass weekend of crappy work leading into my favorite holiday of all: Blackout Wednesday. Talk to you soon.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Episode 1: The First Episode

Ok, You know how all video games start with a really easy level where you just kinda go through the motions to get a feel for everything? That is going to be this episode. Also, no one will die, at least I'm relatively sure about that.

So why in the world have I opted to become yet another asshole, with yet another blog? Was it the persistent motherly advice of Joy Roberts, my former marketing partner in crime? Well that helped. She also came up with the title of this thing. Maslyn also helped inspire me, in the form of telling me to get off my ass today.. For those of you who don't know Maslyn, he's going to be a recurring character. So is Fran, and Dennis + Ashley, and Kristin, and Jeremy, and my niece dogs Tia and Daisy. Still, this doesn't answer why this exists, or more importantly why you should give a damn.

Frankly, my life is a constant stream of wacky adventures. My place of employment, which I shan't name, but know it's a movie house, is usually a prime source for material, both it's operating company, and it's clientele. I sometimes wonder if they are secretly in a footrace for who can be worse, but we'll get into that another time.  I think It might be nice to document these adventures in a form longer than Facebook and Twitter can provide.

Here are a few fun facts to know before proceeding:
I lean left.
I am a Red Sox fan living in NY, which is a pain in the ass.
I am a Sabres fan.
I like good movies, bad movies that go on to be successful make me want to leave America.
I have a To Do list of places I want to go.
I enjoy the occasional adult beverage.
I am an unrelenting, but hopefully lovable smartass.
I am single, and a good deal of misadventures come from attempts at dating.

Hey, there we go. We all made it through the pilot together. I'll try and do another one tomorrow, you know, unless I get bored of this whole thing. For now, I'm heading off to Paddy's with the gang to watch the Sabres take on the Devils. Thanks for reading.


PS- When do I start making money on this nonsense?