MVW Presents: Minch's Summer of Love: Chapter 1

Prologue: I Don't Want To Do This...

What I do here with this blog is easy. I make pop culture jokes about stupid things and stupid people, photoshop in some pics, Zooey Deschanel reference and done! All while treating it like a TV show. I get accolades from my friends and family who read it, and life is good. There is no logical reason to, even temporarily, change the format of this here blog...


That's why I am. I read once, "Adventure lies right outside your comfort zone." I have no idea who said that, so let's all agree it was Carl Winslow. Carl said it to Judy Winslow right before they shipped her off to Hogwarts or whatever the hell the excuse was for her leaving the show. I've gotten off track. I've decided that this summer, I would use this blog to document my adventures in the world of dating.

This decision did not come easy. Could this subject matter be funny and not desperate? There's no guarantee of a happy ending (wakka) or closure. I usually play this sort of subject matter very close to the vest, and in a stunning turn of events this would, as the kids say, "put my shit on blast." I decided, I would have to consult the Minch vs. the World Board of Advisors...

Dr. Cornel West, former Red Sox coach Terry Francona, Bill Murray, and Ke$ha

Three out of four agreed with the idea. Honestly I didn't get a straight vote out of Ke$ha, as she was too busy vomiting glitter and Wild Turkey. So here we go. An average Joe's tale of the dating scene, as told by his trusty blog. It'll be like Sex and City for dudes. (You mean like Entourage?) Kind of, only much poorer, and everyone looks like Turtle Season 1.

You Have To Put Yourself Out There...

Honestly, I don't even know what the hell that means, short of a sandwich board reading, "I'm Single, Line Up Ladies!" Wait a minute... Nah, I couldn't find a sandwich board at this hour. Part of the trouble is, I'm not the guy who goes up to a girl in the bar. Part of this is sheepishness. The other part is that if there is even a hint of single girl in the bar, there are at least 4-5 other guys circling around her like sharks. Guys with V-Necks and muscles. I'm no match against these guys, it's like Hulk versus Cookie Monster. So I say hell with it and move on to the only real guarantee there is at a bar, sweet delicious booze!

So, in order to "Put Myself Out There" I have invested in a dating site. No not, "Black People Meet Dot Com" but boy that was a delightful joke on my part. One of the pay sites. No not "Christian Mingle." I was marked a heathen halfway into setting up my profile. In my defense, this was one of the questions.

True or False: Evolution is a bunch of hogwash:

__ True 

__ I worship at the altar of Satan 

Perhaps the biggest problem with dating sites is the first message sent. Do I want to just send a, "Hey how's it going? or a message that says, "Hi I read your profile and here's proof!" Should I just focus on one section so it seems like I did the reading. (Sorry, every teacher I've ever had...ever)

 Also, this has the option of "Winking" at someone. I don't know, that comes off maybe just little tiny bit uber creepy. Winking is best left to guys with comb overs and mustaches. Not to mention Subject Lines, which apparently "Hello Miss Lady" is a bad one. Also, once you start actually talking to someone, what's the appropriate amount of time before you try to arrange a date? Wait too long, you lose her. Ask too quickly, you're deemed a murderer...

Aww, this sucks, I'm going back to my fake marriage with Zooey Deschanel, where we live in a musty house filled with crap clutter, and she constantly asks her phone if it's raining...

No, sigh, I'll soldier on...


So this is where we leave Chapter One. Feel free to share this sucker with your Facebook Twitters, and your Pinterest Instagrams. Also, you're welcome to chime in with any advice, as long as it isn't stupid.

Here goes nothing...
Minch
 

  

Episode 534: All Good Things

Using a combination of dark magic, science, and the Tesseract, I have manage to obtain an MVW from the future. While there is no exact date given, it does say that it's "20 years after we defeated the Space Nazis" Let's sit back and enjoy.
-Modern Day Minch 


I have made a decision. I want to write my memoir. I'm sure you youngsters are too busy with your flying cars, robot girlfriends, and Virtual Morgan Freeman App, but dammit that won't stop me from writing it all the same. I'll be damned if I'm going to have some (Irwin R.) Shyster book company make a profit off of my story, so I am going to tell it right here.

To think it all started with a Tweet. One night, I was all strung out on Wild Blue lager and Little Caesar's pizza when I decided it was time for my weekly trolling of NBC's Twitter account.

"@NBC Hey Assholes! way to cancell communtuity I hope you go to hell fart bags. Screw You Jack Donaghy. I could make better TV with my ass. You people sho"

...and that's where I ran out of characters. In my defense, there were a great deal of people who were upset that Community got cancelled, although after 7 years had passed most had gotten over it. Not me. That's why I sent that tweet.

There's a few things you should know about NBC at the time. They had invested so much into shows like "The Voice: Los Angeles" and "America's Next Top Racist" that every show was a spinoff of another. "Law and Order: Extra Special Victims Unit" was the tipping point. Times had grown so desperate for the Peacock that a drunken tweet actually counted as a pitch meeting. I was immediately flown to New York City.

I wanted to make a show based on this blog called, "Minch vs the World," but unfortunately we were immediately sued by Michael Cera. Everyone else involved in the Scott Pilgrim movie was perfectly okay with our title, but Cera kept being a dick. So we settled on changing the name and the court awarded Cera $20 in Bahama Breeze gift cards. I suspect that's all he wanted in the first place.

So "Minch" was born. A weekly episodic comedy about a guy who works at a movie theater and has wacky adventures. It starred me as me, and Wayne Knight as...no one in particular, just a guy, a random guy who bared no resemblance to anyone living or dead. In fact his name was Ralph...

    
The show was an instant hit. We won three Nickelodeon Kids Choice awards including, "Best Show Our Parents Wont Let Us Watch." I was out of town that night so I had my old friend Maslyn accept the award. When he hit the podium, he was slimed. That night turned tragic as a hunk of slime got caught in his windpipe, and he died. Sometimes I think it should have been me, but I'm damn glad it wasn't...

Who am I kidding? He's in Hell...

That wasn't the only trouble. Shortly after, the ratings started to dip and we had to begin making cheap "shark jumping" moves...

After all these years, I have no idea what this episode was about.

And then it happened. I received the cease and desist order I had known was coming for ages. Zooey Deschanel was taking me to court. This was not unexpected as I had mentioned her in every single episode for six years. What was unexpected was that court date leading to coffee date and that coffee date leading to a wedding date, and two wonderful kids. We made an agreement that we would have two, that way each of us could focus our own parenting style on one, and see who was better. By virtue of a coin toss (I cheated) I was in charge of our first child, our daughter Vanekessa Pegula Minch

My little angel.

One year later, we had our boy, who Zooey was in charge of: Joffrey Alabaster Minch.

Sigh, he wears skinny jeans and won't shut up about Arcade Fire

 Meanwhile, The show seemed headed for certain doom. We started losing ground to Fox's "So You Want To Play Russian Roulette." We need to make a major move. That major move was in the form of a CGI Alien named Bleezurp...

While the Boston Globe called the move, "Effin' Retaaahhhded!" It was just dumb enough to make the American people come back and watch. "Minch" lasted for ten seasons and lead to this...

MY MOVIE CAREER!!!

End of Chapter 1.

  

Thanks for reading. Be sure to Click the links below to share this nonsense with your Facebook and Twitter friends. Thanks for the Support. See you in Season 2!!!

Minch 

Episode 33: Something to Avenge

I'm not going to spend this episode gushing over The Avengers. Part of me wants to, but given the notes I receive that MvW needs to be more "girl friendly" I'll pass. Though I will tell you, this past weekend was a giant pain in the ass at the Movie House, though I'm pretty sure you guessed that already.

Summer is just about here, and I figured I would use this episode to give you folks ideas on how to spend the king of all seasons. Here's a segment I'm calling...

  
One of my favorite things to during the... wait. That can't be right. It's too early...

SON OF A BITCH!!! MOTHER'S DAY IS SUNDAY

This summer crap is going to have to wait. I have to figure out a present. As previously discussed on MvW, Fran doesn't like things. I can't get a bad present, because that will only vindicate my position of being her 8th favorite (of three kids.) I'm like the Jon Snow of the family, despite being a blood relative. I have to think of something now, let me check my Pinterest account for ideas. 

Pinterest User: MinchyMoo46 has pinned the following pics-

American Heroes

Proof that God Loves us and wants us to be happy...

Non-negotiable Wedding plan

Dammit, none of this is helping. She never watches the DVD's I get her, (I mean, who doesn't love Star Man?) I'm pretty sure the leather bound "Minch Vs. The World Companion Book" I got her for Christmas is being used to paper train Daisy the Dog. When the hell did it become bad form to give macaroni art as a present? Granted I used to cook the macaroni before---I was a confused little kid. It used to be so easy. I used to be so good at making presents for Mother's Day. Look at this card I made...

See isn't that nice?

Okay, granted it's from 3 years ago, but still nice.

Wait a tic, I've got it! I have the perfect idea. Is Gold Circle still in business? Regardless, I can't go into details yet, because occasionally my Mom reads this, I think out of spite. I kid, I kid. Happy Mothers Day everybody. Feel Free to share this with your friends and kin over on the social media by clicking the links below. Oh and if you didn't get the joke, there was never going to be a Summer Fun bit...

Minch

END OF THE EPISODE TEASER STINGER
I am very excited to announce that I am joining up as a member of the bullpen over at Eat Your Serial. I will be doing a monthly pop culture blog over there titled "Minch's Pop Tarts" What cool is everybody who is doing this was doing their own thing, and are now working together to make something even cooler. If only there was some relevant and topical thing I could compare it to...wakka. I don't know where I fit in exactly as I have Captain America's stout sense of patriotism, Iron Man's drinking habits, Hulk's anger management issues, Hawkeye's preference for redheads, and of course, I'm from Asgard. Check them out over at http://eatyourserial.com/  Fun fact, I'm the only one with a profile picture that makes me look like an asshole...

   

Episode 32: Marmalade, We're Making Out.

or 

"(500) Blogs of Summer...Movies"

"Strike while the iron is hot," I always say while drunk and ironing. Since the reaction for the last episode was so delightful, why not give you folks some more. Here's my Summer Movie Preview Part 2: The Second Part.

That's My Boy

 Adam Sandler is no longer responsible for the horrible movies he puts out. It's not his fault. Let's say every time you took a dump someone handed you $20. Now magnify that situation by a million and you have Adam Sandler present day. His movies have the intellectual capacity of a dog wiping its ass on the carpet, but it'll make a $100 million. This one has all the elements in place, an old black stripper (What?! That's not the type of exotic dancer people prefer! That's wacky!) Rex Ryan, (So this was obviously shot in IMAX) and perhaps saddest of all Andy Samberg. I like Samberg on SNL, but I always feel like he's towing the line between being funny and being super irritating. I worry that he will not only cross that line, but piss over it while crapping his pants...but he'll get his $20. 

 Dark Shadows

 Many years ago, on the set of Edward Scissorhands, there was a terrible accident. Johnny Depp impaled himself one of his own Scissorhands. As he laid there dying, Tim Burton rushed to his side and told him, "I can save you, using dark magic, but you will be indebted to me for all time." Depp agreed, not realizing what that would ultimately mean: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Sweeney Todd, Alice in Wonderland, and now Dark Shadows.Given the substance and caliber of most vampire movies this day and age, this doesn't look to bad, although when the hell did Michelle Pfeiffer get so old? She looks like she's playing Johnny Depp's great grandmother. Secondly, this is another old show to movie conversion that involves jabbing the original show (see: 21 Jump Street, Starsky and Hutch) When are the shows we like going to get the same treatment? 20 years from now, are we going to see a funny Sopranos movie? 

GI JOE: Retaliation 
From what I can tell, the only thing they are really retaliating against is the first movie. To be 100% fair, I never watched GI Joe as a kid, so I can't really join the whole, "This movie ruined my childhood (which honestly, probably ruined itself long before the movie came out) club" The first one was dumb enough to keep my attention and had Jonathan Pryce in it. Joseph Gordon Levitt as Cobra Commander was the worst casting mistake of a 3rd Rock from the Sun alumni since French Stewart played Inspector Gadget, yes that happened! To make up for the first one, it seems they are killing everybody and bringing in The Rock and Bruce Willis, stars of "Tooth Fairy" and "Look Who's Talking" respectively. Hopefully they can right the ship and heal any wounds left by this...

Cobra Commander is made out of shrink wrapped bacon? 

 

Snow White and The Huntsman

For those of you who commented that I didn't mention any chick flicks, here you go! It has Lady Stone Face from Twilight, Thor and Mr. F herself, Charlize Theron. This is the second of the two Snow White movies of 2012. The first was Mirror Mirror with Julia Roberts, which looks not just bad, but movie that has Nathan Lane in it bad (sorry Mouse Hunt). Fun Fact: Snow White in Mirror Mirror is played by Phil Collins' daughter. This was told to me by a customer, and when I went to share this with the kids working that day, none of them knew who Phil Collins was. Don't worry, I grabbed one of them by the ankles and used them to beat the other employees. There are actually some cool elements to this one, Ian McShane (Deadwood, Hot Rod), Toby Jones (Capt America, the other Capote), Nick Frost (fat guy from Shaun of the Dead), Ray Winstone (The guy who decides who you can hit in The Departed), and Bob Hoskins (Super Mario, Eddie Effing Valiant) make up some of the dwarfs. I am kinda weirded out by the fact that I don't mind the idea of seeing this one...

And Finally,

Men in Black 3: The Return to the Well 

American Reunion, the forthcoming Anchorman 2 and Dumb and Dumber 2, as well as this film all teach the same lesson: When all else fails, go back to what brought you to the dance. The last MIB film came out ten years ago, and if we are being honest with ourselves, stunk Yeah, the little talking dog that was an asshole and the talking worms that were also assholes were cute in the first one, but there was no conceivable reason to make them an intricate part of the plot for the sequel! It also had Lara Flynn Boyle, who by the way, I have been searching for any shred of evidence that she is still alive, to no avail. If nothing else, MIB 2 did have Johnny Knoxville who years later inspired the relatively amusing cars.com ads...

Hi I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is "The Sell Out"

     

Let's grab those keys and GOOOOOOOOO

 As for MIB 3, I like the idea of Josh Brolin playing young Tommy Lee Jones, and since Will Smith himself slammed MIB 2 as not being that great, here's hoping this will be an improvement. Though if the movie is anything like the soundtrack single, "Back in Time" by Pitbull, I going to get Neuralized right after it's over. And by Neuralized, I mean blackout whiskey drunk...

There you have it, all nine movies coming out to the movie house this summer. Thanks for reading. Be a gem and share this with your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, MySpace, Friendster, AOL Chat Group, and knitting club. The more the merrier. 

Thanks,

Minch  

PS...

See, I told you this happened...

   

Episode 31: Bumpin' Beats til Beddy Bye

Some would say I am a Jack of All Trades. In 29 years, I've done (college) radio, (Local Access) live television, hell, I even did some (high school) ring announcing for boxing. Perhaps my favorite of all these was "The Mike Minch Movie Minute" a movie review segment I did for SUNY Cable News at Brockport. It was my good friend and loyal MVW reader "TV's Matt Calvin" that got me involved in the project oh so many years ago.

 For this episode, I decided to put my old movie reviewer hat on and give you folks the Summer Movie preview you so desperately deserve. Believe it or not, the summer movie season begins in less that two weeks, and it starts off with a bang...

The Avengers:
Fun Fact-This movie has the most expensive marketing campaign in the history of film. This is assuming you count Iron Man, Incredible Hulk, Iron Man 2, Thor, and Captain America: The First Avenger and Twelfth X Man to be really long commercials. It seems like yesterday I was watching the first Iron Man, and Samuel L showed up talking about "The Avenger Initiative" then looked into the camera and screamed, "THAT'S RIGHT! COMING SOON BITCHES!" I am impressed that they were able to even get this movie made, seeing as Warner Brothers has wound up pissing down their leg every time someone even says, "Justice League" Also Avengers is directed by the reigning God of Nerds, and former Roseanne writer Joss Whedon. (Look, all I'm saying is, if there are so many of you Firefly nuts out there, why did Serenity only make $107.00?)

 

Battleship:
Okay, let's start with the fact that I literally had NO IDEA Rihanna was in this movie until I scoped out a poster to put up. As much as I like Liam Neeson, I'm beginning to believe he forgot how to say, "No Thanks, I'd rather not do this movie" My biggest concern is that if movie does well, it will spawn more ridiculous and unnecessary game movies. Adam Sandler is already making Candyland---nope not a joke! I sure he'll start as the immature jerk who learns a candy lesson, Nick Swardson will show up as the annoying asshole, and Rob Schneider will make a cameo as the unfunny hack who needs money. I have gotten off track. If this movie has nothing else going for it, at least it has its own tie in Subway sammich: The SmokeHouse BBQ Chicken

Yikes, this should be called "Baby Shit on Wheat"

Moving on...

The Amazing Spiderman
Speaking of baby shit, who remembers Spiderman 3? Oh you know the one, it had the guy from Sideways, and Spiderman turned emo and inexplicably danced around New York City. Bryce Dallas Howard showed up for no reason at all, and a major plot point was blurted out by a butler who could have saved an assload of time by mentioning it in the first place. Then, just when you are sure that you've reached the ninth and final ring of hell, Eric Foreman shows up as Venom, shoe horned in, essentially "muffin topping" the already bad film. You remember now? Yeah, well they're rebooting the franchise. Yes, rebooting a franchise that only started 10 years ago. To me, this sets a scary precedent. At this rate, movies will be rebooted in the middle of the movie itself. I have plans to talk about reboots, but that's for another time, in another venue. (TEASER!)  There is some neat casting in this, Emma Stone, Martin Sheen, Sally Field. I think it should be entertaining, assuming some terrible production art doesn't comes out, making the villain look like a Ninja Turtle...

Oh Shit 

     


 And finally...

The Dark Knight Rises
I like Christopher Nolan. The man makes good films. He fixed a franchise who previous offering had Arnold as Mr. Freeze and Batman's personalized credit card. I think Memento and Inception are both interesting and well done. I say all of this in the hopes that this movie is his way of giving the finger to nerds everywhere. "Some people just want to see the world burn" ---I am one of them. I hope that all this Bane (who by the way, I have seen Tom Hardy in a small handful of movies, but I wouldn't know the guy if I was selling him movie tickets) and Catwoman talk is just a smoke screen for the real villains of the movie...

KING TUT!!!

AND EGGHEAD

 Just go nuts Mr Nolan, you've earned it. Have Alfred in the batsuit. Let them all do the Bat Dance. Throw in a POW! BANG! WHIFF! SCAT! Better yet, leave out the last one. Hey if nothing else, at least you blow up Heinz Field, and we thank you for that!

There you have it. All four of the movies coming out this summer. I didn't even get around to mentioning the new Wes Anderson movie, the new Pixar film, or the fact that Fox and Dreamworks are both diarrhea-ing out sequels to their terrible cartoon franchises--Ice Age and Madagascar. There's only so much I can ask you to read...

Okay, that's it for now gang. As always, I greatly appreciate when you guys share this on your Facebook and Twitter. It's easy to do (click the links below) and it makes my day..

Minch

PS-Good Times and Good Films

MVW Sports Special: Real Americans

I haven't had much to say about hockey since my beloved Buffalo Sabres were eliminated from playoff contention. I went through the five stages of grief after the depressing loss to Philly: Anger, Bargaining, Drunkeness, Rage, and Sleep. That said, it seems like getting into the 2012 Stanley Cup playoffs is fairly similar to getting chosen to be in the Hunger Games, and there is a good chance only one team will make it out with all of their players alive. While the games have been entertaining, when you don't have a vested interest beyond seeming the teams you hate get eliminated (VAN, BOS, OTT, PIT) it lacks a certain something special. But something special happened yesterday...

 The Rochester Americans, the AHL affiliate of the Buffalo Sabres clinched a playoff spot. This was no easy task, as they were mired in Western Conference log jam and had two must win games this past weekend, both of which they did. While I haven't been anywhere near as vocal about this franchise as I am the Sabres, it holds a place in my heart perhaps even closer than the parent club.

For years, my Grandparents had season tickets, I would tote along as third wheel, and eventually after the passing of my grandfather, I would assume the second seat. I was there at the old War Memorial watching "Mr Amerk" himself, Jody Gage play week after week. But my connection to this franchise goes beyond that of a season ticket holder.

My Father, who worked for the stage hand union, was a part of the rink crew at the War Memorial. When my grandparents didn't have an extra ticket, my father would bring my brother and I and we would be able to watch the game from the Zamboni entrance. When my father passed in November 1999, the Amerks held a tribute to him. Before the game, they turned off the lights and shined a single spotlight on a folding chair. Draped over the back of that chair was my father's rink crew jacket, and leaning against the front of it was his ice brush. The PA announcer told the crowd of my father's passing, then called for a moment of silence. This simple, dignified, and wonderful tribute meant the world to my family, and because of it, the Amerks would always have a place in my heart.

I was as upset as anyone by the ugly divorce between the Amerks and Sabres. I, like many let my interest fade under the affiliation with the Florida Panthers. I remember going to a Sunday afternoon game against the Phantoms a few years ago and honestly being depressed. The game itself was fine, but the crowd was minimal, and seeing large sprawling advertisements where people should be, didn't sit well with me.

When Terry Pegula bought the Buffalo Sabres, the sky was the limit for the imagination of Sabres fans. Everyone had ideas of what he was going to accomplish the second he took the reigns. I had quietly hoped that somehow, someway, he would reunite the Sabres and Amerks. Then this happened...

  
So help me, no matter what else Terry Pegula does as owner of the Sabres, this move will always be my favorite. Watching Rochester boys come up and play in the show this season has been a delight, especially a certain guy by the name Foligno. This past Friday, the Blue Cross Arena held 10,018 people for the Amerks' final home game against the Syracuse Crunch. Sadly, there was no room for giant sprawling advertisements.

The Amerks are back. It's about time.

Good Luck Boys. I'll see you Monday.
Minch 

Episode #30: Miller Time

First off, thanks to you all for your birthday greetings, well wishes, and generous offers to donate kidneys before during and after MinchDay 2012. A fine evening was had by all, and something I've always known was once again reinforced, I have some of the finest friends a person can ask for. So I'm sure your wondering about the cliffhanger from last episode: did the 1 in 1,000,000,000 shot of inviting famous actress/Queen of the Hipster Girls Zooey Deschanel work? I'll let this speak for itself...

I wonder what will show up in my mailbox first, the cease and desist or the restraining order?

Moving on to some exposition, for those of you who aren't aware, there is a local radio station here named 98PXY (The Number One Hit Music Station) It's a pop station and every year they throw a concert called Summer Jam, where they pack Rochester's Triple A baseball park to the brim with 14 year olds and have 5-7 bands play. The kids seem to like it so I mind my own business and not go. This year, they started selling tickets before they even mentioned who was going to be there. I found this odd, so I turned to one of my many radio contacts, who, in what can only be described as a fit of drunken rage, gave me the entire list of who is going to be there. I am sworn to secrecy, but seeing as though I am both a liar and a bad friend, I am going to share with you now the band list for Summer Jam 2012

98 PXY's Summer JAM 2012: Presented by LaserQuest and Snap Bracelets (or some other dumb thing kids like.)  

Mid 90's skating rink juggernaut: Real McCoy

NEXT- That band that had a weird but catchy song about getting a boner while dancing with a girl 

Chumbawumba!

Terrible wedding DJ staple Red Nex

Jim Croce!

The two living members of Five

An All Star Tribute to Dr. Ralph Stanley

and a very special Guest!

With Special Guest Host: Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson!!!!

That actually sounds like a great show. Even though you are now sworn to secrecy about this, feel free to share this with your friends. Just click the links below to share this with your friends on Facebook and Twitter. It will count as a late birthday present to me, unless you got me a present, in which case it will count as a second birthday present. Also it is my sincere hope that at least one person has a dance party with all the music links I have listed...

Minch