"(500) Blogs of Summer...Movies"
"Strike while the iron is hot," I always say while drunk and ironing. Since the reaction for the last episode was so delightful, why not give you folks some more. Here's my Summer Movie Preview Part 2: The Second Part.
That's My Boy
Adam Sandler is no longer responsible for the horrible movies he puts out. It's not his fault. Let's say every time you took a dump someone handed you $20. Now magnify that situation by a million and you have Adam Sandler present day. His movies have the intellectual capacity of a dog wiping its ass on the carpet, but it'll make a $100 million. This one has all the elements in place, an old black stripper (What?! That's not the type of exotic dancer people prefer! That's wacky!) Rex Ryan, (So this was obviously shot in IMAX) and perhaps saddest of all Andy Samberg. I like Samberg on SNL, but I always feel like he's towing the line between being funny and being super irritating. I worry that he will not only cross that line, but piss over it while crapping his pants...but he'll get his $20.
Many years ago, on the set of Edward Scissorhands, there was a terrible accident. Johnny Depp impaled himself one of his own Scissorhands. As he laid there dying, Tim Burton rushed to his side and told him, "I can save you, using dark magic, but you will be indebted to me for all time." Depp agreed, not realizing what that would ultimately mean: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Sweeney Todd, Alice in Wonderland, and now Dark Shadows.Given the substance and caliber of most vampire movies this day and age, this doesn't look to bad, although when the hell did Michelle Pfeiffer get so old? She looks like she's playing Johnny Depp's great grandmother. Secondly, this is another old show to movie conversion that involves jabbing the original show (see: 21 Jump Street, Starsky and Hutch) When are the shows we like going to get the same treatment? 20 years from now, are we going to see a funny Sopranos movie?
GI JOE: Retaliation
From what I can tell, the only thing they are really retaliating against is the first movie. To be 100% fair, I never watched GI Joe as a kid, so I can't really join the whole, "This movie ruined my childhood (which honestly, probably ruined itself long before the movie came out) club" The first one was dumb enough to keep my attention and had Jonathan Pryce in it. Joseph Gordon Levitt as Cobra Commander was the worst casting mistake of a 3rd Rock from the Sun alumni since French Stewart played Inspector Gadget, yes that happened! To make up for the first one, it seems they are killing everybody and bringing in The Rock and Bruce Willis, stars of "Tooth Fairy" and "Look Who's Talking" respectively. Hopefully they can right the ship and heal any wounds left by this...
|Cobra Commander is made out of shrink wrapped bacon?|
Snow White and The Huntsman
For those of you who commented that I didn't mention any chick flicks, here you go! It has Lady Stone Face from Twilight, Thor and Mr. F herself, Charlize Theron. This is the second of the two Snow White movies of 2012. The first was Mirror Mirror with Julia Roberts, which looks not just bad, but movie that has Nathan Lane in it bad (sorry Mouse Hunt). Fun Fact: Snow White in Mirror Mirror is played by Phil Collins' daughter. This was told to me by a customer, and when I went to share this with the kids working that day, none of them knew who Phil Collins was. Don't worry, I grabbed one of them by the ankles and used them to beat the other employees. There are actually some cool elements to this one, Ian McShane (Deadwood, Hot Rod), Toby Jones (Capt America, the other Capote), Nick Frost (fat guy from Shaun of the Dead), Ray Winstone (The guy who decides who you can hit in The Departed), and Bob Hoskins (Super Mario, Eddie Effing Valiant) make up some of the dwarfs. I am kinda weirded out by the fact that I don't mind the idea of seeing this one...
Men in Black 3: The Return to the Well
American Reunion, the forthcoming Anchorman 2 and Dumb and Dumber 2, as well as this film all teach the same lesson: When all else fails, go back to what brought you to the dance. The last MIB film came out ten years ago, and if we are being honest with ourselves, stunk Yeah, the little talking dog that was an asshole and the talking worms that were also assholes were cute in the first one, but there was no conceivable reason to make them an intricate part of the plot for the sequel! It also had Lara Flynn Boyle, who by the way, I have been searching for any shred of evidence that she is still alive, to no avail. If nothing else, MIB 2 did have Johnny Knoxville who years later inspired the relatively amusing cars.com ads...
|Hi I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is "The Sell Out"|
|Let's grab those keys and GOOOOOOOOO|
As for MIB 3, I like the idea of Josh Brolin playing young Tommy Lee Jones, and since Will Smith himself slammed MIB 2 as not being that great, here's hoping this will be an improvement. Though if the movie is anything like the soundtrack single, "Back in Time" by Pitbull, I going to get Neuralized right after it's over. And by Neuralized, I mean blackout whiskey drunk...
There you have it, all nine movies coming out to the movie house this summer. Thanks for reading. Be a gem and share this with your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, MySpace, Friendster, AOL Chat Group, and knitting club. The more the merrier.
|See, I told you this happened...|