Thursday, April 26, 2012

Episode 32: Marmalade, We're Making Out.

"(500) Blogs of Summer...Movies"

"Strike while the iron is hot," I always say while drunk and ironing. Since the reaction for the last episode was so delightful, why not give you folks some more. Here's my Summer Movie Preview Part 2: The Second Part.
That's My Boy
 Adam Sandler is no longer responsible for the horrible movies he puts out. It's not his fault. Let's say every time you took a dump someone handed you $20. Now magnify that situation by a million and you have Adam Sandler present day. His movies have the intellectual capacity of a dog wiping its ass on the carpet, but it'll make a $100 million. This one has all the elements in place, an old black stripper (What?! That's not the type of exotic dancer people prefer! That's wacky!) Rex Ryan, (So this was obviously shot in IMAX) and perhaps saddest of all Andy Samberg. I like Samberg on SNL, but I always feel like he's towing the line between being funny and being super irritating. I worry that he will not only cross that line, but piss over it while crapping his pants...but he'll get his $20. 

 Dark Shadows
 Many years ago, on the set of Edward Scissorhands, there was a terrible accident. Johnny Depp impaled himself one of his own Scissorhands. As he laid there dying, Tim Burton rushed to his side and told him, "I can save you, using dark magic, but you will be indebted to me for all time." Depp agreed, not realizing what that would ultimately mean: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Sweeney Todd, Alice in Wonderland, and now Dark Shadows.Given the substance and caliber of most vampire movies this day and age, this doesn't look to bad, although when the hell did Michelle Pfeiffer get so old? She looks like she's playing Johnny Depp's great grandmother. Secondly, this is another old show to movie conversion that involves jabbing the original show (see: 21 Jump Street, Starsky and Hutch) When are the shows we like going to get the same treatment? 20 years from now, are we going to see a funny Sopranos movie? 

GI JOE: Retaliation 
From what I can tell, the only thing they are really retaliating against is the first movie. To be 100% fair, I never watched GI Joe as a kid, so I can't really join the whole, "This movie ruined my childhood (which honestly, probably ruined itself long before the movie came out) club" The first one was dumb enough to keep my attention and had Jonathan Pryce in it. Joseph Gordon Levitt as Cobra Commander was the worst casting mistake of a 3rd Rock from the Sun alumni since French Stewart played Inspector Gadget, yes that happened! To make up for the first one, it seems they are killing everybody and bringing in The Rock and Bruce Willis, stars of "Tooth Fairy" and "Look Who's Talking" respectively. Hopefully they can right the ship and heal any wounds left by this...

Cobra Commander is made out of shrink wrapped bacon? 

Snow White and The Huntsman
For those of you who commented that I didn't mention any chick flicks, here you go! It has Lady Stone Face from Twilight, Thor and Mr. F herself, Charlize Theron. This is the second of the two Snow White movies of 2012. The first was Mirror Mirror with Julia Roberts, which looks not just bad, but movie that has Nathan Lane in it bad (sorry Mouse Hunt). Fun Fact: Snow White in Mirror Mirror is played by Phil Collins' daughter. This was told to me by a customer, and when I went to share this with the kids working that day, none of them knew who Phil Collins was. Don't worry, I grabbed one of them by the ankles and used them to beat the other employees. There are actually some cool elements to this one, Ian McShane (Deadwood, Hot Rod), Toby Jones (Capt America, the other Capote), Nick Frost (fat guy from Shaun of the Dead), Ray Winstone (The guy who decides who you can hit in The Departed), and Bob Hoskins (Super Mario, Eddie Effing Valiant) make up some of the dwarfs. I am kinda weirded out by the fact that I don't mind the idea of seeing this one...

And Finally,

Men in Black 3: The Return to the Well 
American Reunion, the forthcoming Anchorman 2 and Dumb and Dumber 2, as well as this film all teach the same lesson: When all else fails, go back to what brought you to the dance. The last MIB film came out ten years ago, and if we are being honest with ourselves, stunk Yeah, the little talking dog that was an asshole and the talking worms that were also assholes were cute in the first one, but there was no conceivable reason to make them an intricate part of the plot for the sequel! It also had Lara Flynn Boyle, who by the way, I have been searching for any shred of evidence that she is still alive, to no avail. If nothing else, MIB 2 did have Johnny Knoxville who years later inspired the relatively amusing ads...

Hi I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is "The Sell Out"

Let's grab those keys and GOOOOOOOOO
 As for MIB 3, I like the idea of Josh Brolin playing young Tommy Lee Jones, and since Will Smith himself slammed MIB 2 as not being that great, here's hoping this will be an improvement. Though if the movie is anything like the soundtrack single, "Back in Time" by Pitbull, I going to get Neuralized right after it's over. And by Neuralized, I mean blackout whiskey drunk...

There you have it, all nine movies coming out to the movie house this summer. Thanks for reading. Be a gem and share this with your Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, MySpace, Friendster, AOL Chat Group, and knitting club. The more the merrier. 



See, I told you this happened...

Monday, April 23, 2012

Episode 31: Bumpin' Beats til Beddy Bye

Some would say I am a Jack of All Trades. In 29 years, I've done (college) radio, (Local Access) live television, hell, I even did some (high school) ring announcing for boxing. Perhaps my favorite of all these was "The Mike Minch Movie Minute" a movie review segment I did for SUNY Cable News at Brockport. It was my good friend and loyal MVW reader "TV's Matt Calvin" that got me involved in the project oh so many years ago.

 For this episode, I decided to put my old movie reviewer hat on and give you folks the Summer Movie preview you so desperately deserve. Believe it or not, the summer movie season begins in less that two weeks, and it starts off with a bang...

The Avengers:
Fun Fact-This movie has the most expensive marketing campaign in the history of film. This is assuming you count Iron Man, Incredible Hulk, Iron Man 2, Thor, and Captain America: The First Avenger and Twelfth X Man to be really long commercials. It seems like yesterday I was watching the first Iron Man, and Samuel L showed up talking about "The Avenger Initiative" then looked into the camera and screamed, "THAT'S RIGHT! COMING SOON BITCHES!" I am impressed that they were able to even get this movie made, seeing as Warner Brothers has wound up pissing down their leg every time someone even says, "Justice League" Also Avengers is directed by the reigning God of Nerds, and former Roseanne writer Joss Whedon. (Look, all I'm saying is, if there are so many of you Firefly nuts out there, why did Serenity only make $107.00?)


Okay, let's start with the fact that I literally had NO IDEA Rihanna was in this movie until I scoped out a poster to put up. As much as I like Liam Neeson, I'm beginning to believe he forgot how to say, "No Thanks, I'd rather not do this movie" My biggest concern is that if movie does well, it will spawn more ridiculous and unnecessary game movies. Adam Sandler is already making Candyland---nope not a joke! I sure he'll start as the immature jerk who learns a candy lesson, Nick Swardson will show up as the annoying asshole, and Rob Schneider will make a cameo as the unfunny hack who needs money. I have gotten off track. If this movie has nothing else going for it, at least it has its own tie in Subway sammich: The SmokeHouse BBQ Chicken

Yikes, this should be called "Baby Shit on Wheat"

Moving on...

The Amazing Spiderman
Speaking of baby shit, who remembers Spiderman 3? Oh you know the one, it had the guy from Sideways, and Spiderman turned emo and inexplicably danced around New York City. Bryce Dallas Howard showed up for no reason at all, and a major plot point was blurted out by a butler who could have saved an assload of time by mentioning it in the first place. Then, just when you are sure that you've reached the ninth and final ring of hell, Eric Foreman shows up as Venom, shoe horned in, essentially "muffin topping" the already bad film. You remember now? Yeah, well they're rebooting the franchise. Yes, rebooting a franchise that only started 10 years ago. To me, this sets a scary precedent. At this rate, movies will be rebooted in the middle of the movie itself. I have plans to talk about reboots, but that's for another time, in another venue. (TEASER!)  There is some neat casting in this, Emma Stone, Martin Sheen, Sally Field. I think it should be entertaining, assuming some terrible production art doesn't comes out, making the villain look like a Ninja Turtle...

Oh Shit 

 And finally...

The Dark Knight Rises
I like Christopher Nolan. The man makes good films. He fixed a franchise who previous offering had Arnold as Mr. Freeze and Batman's personalized credit card. I think Memento and Inception are both interesting and well done. I say all of this in the hopes that this movie is his way of giving the finger to nerds everywhere. "Some people just want to see the world burn" ---I am one of them. I hope that all this Bane (who by the way, I have seen Tom Hardy in a small handful of movies, but I wouldn't know the guy if I was selling him movie tickets) and Catwoman talk is just a smoke screen for the real villains of the movie...

 Just go nuts Mr Nolan, you've earned it. Have Alfred in the batsuit. Let them all do the Bat Dance. Throw in a POW! BANG! WHIFF! SCAT! Better yet, leave out the last one. Hey if nothing else, at least you blow up Heinz Field, and we thank you for that!

There you have it. All four of the movies coming out this summer. I didn't even get around to mentioning the new Wes Anderson movie, the new Pixar film, or the fact that Fox and Dreamworks are both diarrhea-ing out sequels to their terrible cartoon franchises--Ice Age and Madagascar. There's only so much I can ask you to read...

Okay, that's it for now gang. As always, I greatly appreciate when you guys share this on your Facebook and Twitter. It's easy to do (click the links below) and it makes my day..


PS-Good Times and Good Films

Monday, April 16, 2012

MVW Sports Special: Real Americans

I haven't had much to say about hockey since my beloved Buffalo Sabres were eliminated from playoff contention. I went through the five stages of grief after the depressing loss to Philly: Anger, Bargaining, Drunkeness, Rage, and Sleep. That said, it seems like getting into the 2012 Stanley Cup playoffs is fairly similar to getting chosen to be in the Hunger Games, and there is a good chance only one team will make it out with all of their players alive. While the games have been entertaining, when you don't have a vested interest beyond seeming the teams you hate get eliminated (VAN, BOS, OTT, PIT) it lacks a certain something special. But something special happened yesterday...

 The Rochester Americans, the AHL affiliate of the Buffalo Sabres clinched a playoff spot. This was no easy task, as they were mired in Western Conference log jam and had two must win games this past weekend, both of which they did. While I haven't been anywhere near as vocal about this franchise as I am the Sabres, it holds a place in my heart perhaps even closer than the parent club.

For years, my Grandparents had season tickets, I would tote along as third wheel, and eventually after the passing of my grandfather, I would assume the second seat. I was there at the old War Memorial watching "Mr Amerk" himself, Jody Gage play week after week. But my connection to this franchise goes beyond that of a season ticket holder.

My Father, who worked for the stage hand union, was a part of the rink crew at the War Memorial. When my grandparents didn't have an extra ticket, my father would bring my brother and I and we would be able to watch the game from the Zamboni entrance. When my father passed in November 1999, the Amerks held a tribute to him. Before the game, they turned off the lights and shined a single spotlight on a folding chair. Draped over the back of that chair was my father's rink crew jacket, and leaning against the front of it was his ice brush. The PA announcer told the crowd of my father's passing, then called for a moment of silence. This simple, dignified, and wonderful tribute meant the world to my family, and because of it, the Amerks would always have a place in my heart.

I was as upset as anyone by the ugly divorce between the Amerks and Sabres. I, like many let my interest fade under the affiliation with the Florida Panthers. I remember going to a Sunday afternoon game against the Phantoms a few years ago and honestly being depressed. The game itself was fine, but the crowd was minimal, and seeing large sprawling advertisements where people should be, didn't sit well with me.

When Terry Pegula bought the Buffalo Sabres, the sky was the limit for the imagination of Sabres fans. Everyone had ideas of what he was going to accomplish the second he took the reigns. I had quietly hoped that somehow, someway, he would reunite the Sabres and Amerks. Then this happened...

So help me, no matter what else Terry Pegula does as owner of the Sabres, this move will always be my favorite. Watching Rochester boys come up and play in the show this season has been a delight, especially a certain guy by the name Foligno. This past Friday, the Blue Cross Arena held 10,018 people for the Amerks' final home game against the Syracuse Crunch. Sadly, there was no room for giant sprawling advertisements.

The Amerks are back. It's about time.

Good Luck Boys. I'll see you Monday.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Episode #30: Miller Time

First off, thanks to you all for your birthday greetings, well wishes, and generous offers to donate kidneys before during and after MinchDay 2012. A fine evening was had by all, and something I've always known was once again reinforced, I have some of the finest friends a person can ask for. So I'm sure your wondering about the cliffhanger from last episode: did the 1 in 1,000,000,000 shot of inviting famous actress/Queen of the Hipster Girls Zooey Deschanel work? I'll let this speak for itself...

I wonder what will show up in my mailbox first, the cease and desist or the restraining order?
Moving on to some exposition, for those of you who aren't aware, there is a local radio station here named 98PXY (The Number One Hit Music Station) It's a pop station and every year they throw a concert called Summer Jam, where they pack Rochester's Triple A baseball park to the brim with 14 year olds and have 5-7 bands play. The kids seem to like it so I mind my own business and not go. This year, they started selling tickets before they even mentioned who was going to be there. I found this odd, so I turned to one of my many radio contacts, who, in what can only be described as a fit of drunken rage, gave me the entire list of who is going to be there. I am sworn to secrecy, but seeing as though I am both a liar and a bad friend, I am going to share with you now the band list for Summer Jam 2012

98 PXY's Summer JAM 2012: Presented by LaserQuest and Snap Bracelets (or some other dumb thing kids like.)  

With Special Guest Host: Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson!!!!

That actually sounds like a great show. Even though you are now sworn to secrecy about this, feel free to share this with your friends. Just click the links below to share this with your friends on Facebook and Twitter. It will count as a late birthday present to me, unless you got me a present, in which case it will count as a second birthday present. Also it is my sincere hope that at least one person has a dance party with all the music links I have listed...