Thursday, December 12, 2013

Episode 52: It's A Marshmallow World

So there I was, standing in the middle of One Nightclub, drinking like my life was a lyric in a Ke$ha song. For every shot of Jack Daniels, there was a shot of Jamesons, and for every shot of Jamesons there was a barely conscious check of Facebook. But this story really isn't about One itself, or the ill fated aftermath (Spoiler Alert: I threw up.) It's about how I ended up there, and that story begins on Blackout Wednesday.

Like the Blackout Wednesdays (for those of you new to the bit, this is the night before Thanksgiving, a celebrated drinking night) before, I celebrated the holiday at Paddy's. This year was different. The moment I walked in and saw the obvious fire code violation that was the crowd inside, I immediately thought to myself, "Why did I do this?" There was booze at home, a TV I could hear, and no line at the shithouse. It took me about 20 minutes to find where my friends had posted up. My friends were the saving grace of the evening. Their company was great, but it would have been virtually anywhere. As my car service picked me up I was haunted by by the thought "Have I gotten too old for Blackout Wednesday?"

Come to think of it, I haven't really seen much of the old gang in general. This was likely due to BS reasons like, "Having a family" or "Working Two Jobs" or "Being a Person." All that time that used to be spent raising hell at Paddy's has been replaced by sitting home and watching TV. Sidenote: after my TV broke a few months ago, there's been a TV treaty with the rest of the house. In post Red Sox Playoffs America, one Bills game watched in the living room equals 10 episodes of "Criminal Minds." I shouldn't have brokered out that deal while drunk.

Back on point, I was bound and determined to not let myself feel old at the age of 30. Maybe every night can't be a $150 Paddy's night that ends in a slurred karaoke rendition of "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced," but that doesn't mean I can't go do things! Things! I love things! I'm going to go do more things!

So Thanksgiving night, when my cousin-in-law (the reigning governor of Rochester sports) and my uncle invited me to a preseason Knighthawks lacrosse game, I thought to myself, "Yes! This is a thing! I will do this! I will go out and be a person, and enjoy this thing!" I haven't been to a lacrosse game in nearly twenty years, and I've heard that the crowd for them is nuts, so why the hell not!

Cut to this past Saturday, there I am enjoying lacrosse and beer and social conversation like a real human being. That's when the Knighthawks promotional team ran "The Kiss Cam" on the jumbotron.

When telling this story to others in person, I turn this part into a game of "Guess What Happens Next" but in the interest of getting to the point, in a jam packed Blue Cross Arena, who should they fixate the camera on, despite astronomical odds? Yep, you guessed it...

Samantha  and my replacement, who obliged, given the reason the camera was on them. Now I don't know if this was my direct replacement (certainly not my business) but in any event, he is a gentleman who holds a position that I once held. The Doug Marrone to my Chan Gailey if you will. If this had been written into a romantic comedy, likely starring Katharine Heigl, I would have called bullshit, but this was no movie.

I turned to my Uncle to see if that just happened or if I had just hallucinated it, and that's when he fessed up, "Yeah, I saw her when we came in. Thought we'd be able to dodge her, you want a beer?"

I wanted 12.

The worse part about a situation, (other than the fact that the odds are so against it happening that when it happens it seems like you're directly getting the finger from God or Santa Claus or Jeff Bridges from Tron,) is that there is no one to be mad or upset at. I don't own the Blue Cross Arena, though I'm told I may have drunkenly stammered on about the forthcoming, "Battle for the BCA" but to say things like that while sober is crazy person talk. That night I was left with few options.  This was one of them...

When I got back home, my sister and her friends were getting ready to go out. Naturally, courtesy of "The Fran-icrat and Chronicle" everyone was made aware of the situation, so when I shouted out, "Where we going?!?!"  and took a pull from my bottle of Kentucky Gentleman, there was a sense of discomfort in the room.

"We're going to One. Do you want to..."


...and that's how it happened. The lesson here is, um. I'm sure it's something about having a better system for handling adversity. I don't tell this story to elicit sympathy (can't emphasize that enough), or to display any sense of pride in my actions. In fact, kids don't try that at home, but rather, it's a story that needs to be told. Jesus, this got heavy. Cue a funny picture!!!

The best.

 Hey, did you guys read my new Christmas article on Maglomaniac yet? No? Well what they hell are you waiting for? Also, check their store and new smart phone app. These guys are great to me, and you should be great to them in turn.

We'll talk before Christmas, so enjoy your shopping!!!


Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Episode 51: Fifty First Episodes

So this is what it's like to be a deadbeat dad of blog. In my defense, I was only gone for four months, and I can explain everything. No really, I will right now. So what do you say, can you forgive me...

Come on Lindsey, come on and forgive me...


Alright! Good Enough!!!

Hey thanks guys, now like a true deadbeat, I promise to take you all out for ice cream! Alright now on with the Blogging!

There's no real playbook for how to deal with life's occasional bad bounces and dipshittery.

(Oh God, this is going to be about the breakup? That was like ten years ago! Better cue up Jumper by Third Eye Blind)

Slow down, first off, that's a great song so feel free to cue it up. Secondly, it's not all about that, need proof?

Shortly after the break up I embarked on "The Mike Minch: Hey Everybody, Sorry I Haven't Around For A While / Yes, I'm Still Alive Tour 2013" Here's a pic from the tour...

 Fun things kind of just flooded the market upon my entrance into single hood: Bachelor Parties, Weddings, hell Topeck and I got lost and almost murdered in Toronto (I'm not legally allowed to tell that story until I know more about statute of limitation on Canadian Laws) Eventually though, the calendar clears out and you are left looking to fill time that otherwise would have been occupied. 
Now there are a world of things you can do in this situation to fill said time. You can start a new hobby, like basket weaving or Crystal Meth. Perhaps take up an old hobby you had lost track of, like binge drinking or Crystal Meth. For me, I delved head first into the Red Sox 2013 season. 
It's no secret that my baseball watching skyrocketed 157% post break up. After watching that many games, I had a feeling this team was special. That's not just hindsight, go check my twitter feed mid summer, (@mrminch) I'd try to get a screen cap of a few of my tweets predicting their success, but my 4 year old cell phone takes a literal shit when I even try to send a text message. And sweet Jesus, when the post season started, the world revolved around those games to a degree that wouldn't have been acceptable had I still been in a relationship. 
All important events within the past month are framed with playoff baseball in the background. My aunt's wedding was during the ALDS against the (God Damned) Rays. The night we went out to O'Cals for my sister's birthday was the night the Sox punched their ticket to the World Series. Yes, through the pushing and shoving of the 804 douchebags shoehorned into the place, we got to watch Shane Victorino's game winning grand slam. The obstruction call World Series game was during a Halloween party. Hey speaking of Halloween, in case you missed it, I had a hell of a costume this year. 


If you don't know who this is, just know I'm ashamed of you, but I'm here to teach. I dressed as Buffalo Sabres hall of fame play by play announcer Rick Jeanneret. 

and if you need an explanation why someone would want to be him for Halloween, I'm double ashamed, but this should help.


Hopefully you have learned something today. Back to baseball.

So obviously, this turned out to be a hell of a year to follow the Red Sox as closely as I did. If you aren't blinded by your hate for the team, the same way I am towards the (God Damned) Tampa Bay Rays, it really is a great baseball story. Worst to first, a team that one year ago was mired in an ocean of doo doo butter, was able to turn it all around. Wait a minute, there's an analogy in there somewhere, if I can just put my finger on everyday life...Wait, I got it!


Well, if I'm going to give credit where credit is due, I should mention my coworker, supervisor, and friend Sean here. With as long as it has been since my last post, I was kind of considering either packing it up or taking this in a different direction. Hell, the original draft of this episode was written a month ago and was basically "Hey, everything sucks, but the Red Sox are good." Naturally, I scrapped it on concerns that it was overly emo and douchey. Sean, decided he was going to pester the shit out me until I wrote a new one, and here we are.  Until next time...


Don't forget to check out Minch's Pop Tarts every month!!!!!

 Spoiler Alert, there will be no ice cream.

Friday, July 19, 2013

Episode 50: Guess Who's Back...Back Again.


Oh hey everybody. Thanks for coming back, I know it's been awhile. You should take a seat, I have something to tell you...

...Okay here goes.

You see, sometimes life works in a funny way, not funny "Ha Ha" but more like Adam Sandler funny, you know, not very funny at all, in fact kinda sad. 

Dammit, let me start over. 

Sometimes, things that were once great, like Pepsi Blue and "The Cowboys of Moo Mesa" have to end. Much like both of those great things, my relationship with Sam has also ended. I will offer no specifics on the situation, other than that very fact, although if you take me to the bar and buy me a couple of bourbons, I'll likely spin you a yarn. There's more...

In the break up, Samantha  was awarded half of this blog. According to the judge, she gets the odd number episodes, and I get the evens.

It was important to me to address this in a dignified manner. To end with my head held high, not with my ass dragging on the carpet. For as the great Ernest Hemingway once wrote...

Oh yeah! That's right Movie from 14 years ago! I am, aren't I?! Free Agency! Now accepting offers...

No, not really. I think it might be time to start focusing on rebuilding the franchise, you know start by chiseling the dust off of my gym membership, saving money and finding an apartment. Things that got put on the back burner because Samantha didn't seem to mind.

Most importantly, I have emerged from this break up, perfectly fine. Not a single scratch of emotional and/or mental damage. Don't believe me, let's all have a sing along to my new favorite song...

Let's talk about something else...

The Minchmobile. The old girl and I have had a rough year. A busted tire, a busted gas valve that made it smell like gas when I turned on the heat. And that was before the real problems started. You remember the last episode 7 months ago when I told you about how my car would stall when in reverse? No? Well that happened. Also it got worse.

After the first time it stalled when I was moving forward, I decided screw it and brought it back to Goodyear. Why do I keep bringing it there, because they were dumb enough to give me a credit card. They replaced the battery and cleaned out the gas line or something, I don't know, and assured me this would fix it.

Cut to a few days after I came back from Florida, a trip I may one day have the inner strength to write about, but certainly not now, and the damn thing stalls out going forward and the Engine light goes on.

Son of a God Damn.

So with what little credit left I had on the Goodyear card, I brought it back yesterday. I gasped as the phone rang while I was at work. I was greeted by the soothing tone of the mustachioed customer service manager, I mean it, there has never been a calmer voice that has delivered me more terrible news. He told me that they cleaned out the air flow sensor (that's a thing? Jesus, I don't know cars) and it was working fine. They wouldn't charge me for the work, but eventually I would have to buy a new one. When I picked up the car I signed a receipt that TOTAL: $0.00!!!!!!

...and then it stalled in the parking lot.

"That'll be $200, please."


I have dropped well over $1500 (on credit) on this damn car this year alone, and the next time something like this happens, I have a plan...

Right off a bridge...

Well that's it for me. Stay tuned for Episode 51 which I'm told is going to compare the differences between Les Miserables the play and the movie.

Honestly, now I'm going to have some time on my hands, so I'd like to start doing this again. So let's kick it off by sharing it on your Facepages, and InstaTwitters, but not Vine. I still don't really know what the hell vine is supposed to be...


Friday, May 10, 2013

Episode 49: Blame Canada!

It all started during our last work meeting, when someone made the genius (and handsome) suggestion that we start a cycle to give everyone an opportunity to have a full weekend off. You see, the new gig is open on Saturday, but getting out a 6-7 beats the piss out of getting out at 1-2am. When turned out I was going to be off this past weekend, I decided it was time for a mini trip. Sam and I were going to the Happiest Place on Earth...

Niagara Falls!!!
Did you stay on the American or Canadian Side? 

That's not a serious question, is it? The American side consists of one nice casino and what looks like a post apocalyptic wasteland. No we stayed in the thick of the touristy splendor that is the Canadian Side of the falls. It had been awhile since my last trip, let's have a look...

The weird part is that this is in front of Sundowners.
The plan was set. After I got out of work on Friday, we'd drive up and have a fun filled weekend. Lets set the mood...

 Naturally, as we were pulling out of the driveway, the Minchmobile (which had been inspected days prior) stalled. We gave the old girl a few test runs, and decided to play it safe and take Sam's car, a 2004 Grand Dam...I know right? Aww!!! Side note, my car is till doing that occasionally when I put it into reverse, is that bad?

We finally arrived at our destination, The Double Tree Inn. We were given our keys, and our complimentary cookies....apparently that's a thing. Before we were able to head to our room we had to solve one little problem...

"Your Credit Card has been declined sir."

--Well of course it has, it doesn't have a red cent, Canadian or American on it. Here's my debit card.

"I'm afraid this card has been declined as well." He said as he snatched back his cookies.


Sam tried her card, which was also declined. I had mixed emotions about that. On one hand, shit, where are we going to stay? On the other, this no longer a Minch exclusive eff up. This is where my super power came into play...

Binge Drinking Whiskey? 

No, better. Knowing a guy. Using Double Tree's ill obtained WiFi, I contacted former Movie House manager and current bank employee, Fronzie, and asked for help. He directed me to the Fraud line who fixed everything. Apparently, I need to warn the bank before I leave the country...Obama's America!!! That said, for helping to save the trip, Fronzie gets a salute...

Thanks buddy.

That was a lot to have to deal with in a single day, so we decided to lay low night one, just grab something to eat and head back. Unfortunately, we made another fatal error, relying on my sense of direction. We unintentionally added 20 minutes to our walk, through an unlit park. Day one was a good day.

We both went into this trip with expectations. Sam let me know her plan early on, obtain a Canadian Candy Bar not available in the States: Coffee Crisp. The difference between Sam and I is that when she has an objective, she researches, plans, uses strategery. That's not to say my method of throwing shit against the wall doesn't work too. Sam found a wholesaler that sold Coffee Crisp, and we got up bright and early to get it. Small detail, it was in the heart of the Canadian Ghetto...yep, apparently that's a thing too. I'm not 100% sure but I think it was where the movie, "The Mist" was filmed...

Please note the rusty sign and abandoned School Bus.

Here are some fun facts about Cash and Carry: The music on the PA system is staticy and the cast of "The Hills Have Eyes" work there. I've never been much for the whole, "What if the Zombie Apocalypse really happened?" crowd, (mostly because I'm an adult) but if in fact it were to happen, this would be the starting point. All that aside, we accomplished our mission...

Side note: What the hell is with Canadians and Ketchup Chips?

After escaping Cash and Carry, we dug right into some some of the Clifton Hill attractions, I mean we did stop at a buffet for breakfast before that, but who needs to hear about diarrhea. We did the Skywheel and the Maid of the Mist...

Yes, a Dodgers hat. Sometimes I like to go incognito...
It was shortly after this I made a grave realization, The Toronto Maple Leafs playoff game was that night and I was in enemy territory. What made it worse was that they won. Leafs fans are known for being insufferable assholes. But I'm sure that's just the bitter opinion of a fan of a divisional rival, and there isn't any type of proof I can provide backing that up...

I had a mission on this trip too, finally try Poutine. Poutine is a Canadian dish with french fries, cheese curds, and brown gravy. On our final day, I got my wish...

They may have screwed up bacon, but they got this right...
 I also got to cross something else off my food bucket list, shwarma! How did a middle eastern dish like shwarma find it's way on to said list in the first place? The answer isn't at all nerdy...

Sam and I ate at Casablanca, a middle eastern restaurant and hookah bar. (No, I couldn't get Sam to try a hookah.) I went with a shwarma sammy, and it was pretty great. Like any douche, I took to Twitter to tell everybody about trying it. My favorite response came from my dear friend.arch enemy @Nicknewt

"Robert Downey, Jr. and Chris Evans just high-fived. Chris Hemsworth crossed his arms, threw his head back, and let out a laugh."

Ha, we're nerds.

The Falls area is known for having a bunch of kitschy shops: Hershey Store, Coca Cola Store, a WWE store, and an MGM Studios store. I wanted to stop by the last one just to see what was left. I assumed it would just be a poster of a guy shrugging with the caption, "We still do Bond movies. That makes us relevant...right?"

What they did have was something that would shake the foundation of the entire trip...CUSTOM MADE BOBBLE HEAD DOLLS!!! Fun fact: I have always wanted an action figure crafted in my likeness, something like this was just close enough. On the other hand it cost $145, and my car stalled out before we left...might have to look into that. After a great deal of thought and discussion, I made the reasonable decision, and bought the bobble head!!!! I know I spoiled this on Facebook, but they sent me the first shots of the mold of my dome last night!!!!!

That worker earned every bit of the three cents an hour she's paid.
We ended our last day with a trip through Lewiston, where Sam's father grew up. After the kitsch and flashiness of Clifton Hill, it was nice to walk through an adorable little town...Also we had frozen custard.

It started out chaotic, but the trip was great time. Though I admit, seeing 19 year olds running around drinking makes me feel older than dirt. Speaking of which, this might have been the first Niagara Falls trip where I didn't end up blackout drunk...Progress.

That's all for me. I have to go buy Fran a Mother's Day present, though I'm seriously considering wrapping up Daisy the Dog.


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Episode 48: The MinchDay 2013 Saga!

Let me start by saying, one blog entry every couple months is NOT okay. The only reason I've been able to keep up with my Eat Your Serial entries is because I signed a 48 page contract that apparently had a clause stating that if I miss an entry, they have a legal right to cut off one of my toes. That said, I'm here now and I want to talk about one of my favorite subjects in the world, my birthday...

The plan was simple. You guys remember how I used Twitter to invite Zooey Deschanel to my birthday last year, right? Well, I had my doubts that Sam would be crazy about trying that one again, but I still liked the concept of inviting someone awesome to come out drinking. At the time, Bill Murray was filming a movie so I set my sights a little more reasonably: Sabres Play by Play man Rick Jeanneret. There was not game on my birthday, so It was completely plausible that I could convince a 70 year old man to travel an hour and a half to a bar and celebrate the birthday of someone he's never met. Before I had the chance to unleash this genius plan, I was Out-Minched on MinchDay...

This is going to come out bad: I forget 78% of the things my Mom tells me about. Amongst those things, was a reminder to try and get out early one Saturday for my Aunt and Uncle's Surprise 30th Wedding Anniversary. I feel like Fran was starting to gather that this event was fading in and out of my conscious memory, because she later told me that since my father was my uncle's best man, they wanted me to do a little mock renewal ceremony. For an attention grabbing wise ass like your truly, I had no problem doing it. This was also a chance to introduce Sam to the extended members of my family. I was going to play the numbers game, by law of averages she couldn't find ALL of them offensive...could she?

So work arrangements were made, and a brief joke littered renewal ceremony was crafted. During my break that day, I swung by the house to pick up a change of clothes only to find Sam all Fran's house...making bread dip...and acting suspicious. I admit that was a little bit of a "Wait a minute" moment, and I proceeded to tease Sam that I was on to the "Surprise Party" but shortly after I stopped by Dennis' house and his general disinterest in the event and how long it was going to last, brought me right back down to Earth.

After getting out of work late, I was in full fledged panic mode that I was going to be the one that ruined the surprise for my aunt and uncle. I picked up Sam and raced to the lodge. As I headed for the door, I felt a sad about the non existent surprise 30th birthday I had cooked up in my head...

Yes, they even got Thomas Vanek to show up.
Fran had cooked the whole thing up. Months of planning and prepping had led to a moment that I can really only describe as, "delightfully overwhelming." Friends, Family, Presents, Cake, and a Keg, all there for me. The Birthday King had been out birthday-ed.

This pic is one Batman "POW!" graphic away from looking like I hit Sam.
I get how newlyweds can be too busy to drink at their own reception. That's not too suggest that I didn't drink...oh sweet baby Jesus did I drink, but I found I was too overwhelmed to eat. Well, that and I had Wendy's for lunch. I didn't even have a slice of my sexy cake.

But Fran's most sinister plot was yet to come that evening. She planned out a comedy roast for me, featuring the comedy stylings of Nate, Rector, and Maslyn brothers. Here's a few of the more hurtful lines.

Fran: This party would have been much easier to plan if you hadn't moved back home at 30.

Nate: Your Godson Charley wrote you a card, it says, "Uncle Mike you toot too much" and Henry wrote, "You're on the naughty list." 

Maslyn: Mike's sister Kristin is here (audience gasps) Kristin used to hate me because 10 years ago I jokingly said she had a low IQ. We started getting along after the state proved I was right. 

Other Maslyn: I had a bunch of jokes about Minch's girlfriend until I got here and found out she was real.

Rector: You are fatter than you were when I started this sentence. 

Needless to say I am mad at all of them and haven't spoken to any of them since.

All in all, it was an amazing night that went by too fast. I can't begin to explain out appreciative I am for all the effort that went into it, most of all by Fran. Although deep down I know it was all just a plot to rob me of the ability to make jokes about how Dennis is the favorite son. Even if that was the case,  it was damn sure worth it. But that wasn't the last of the MinchDay surprises.

The night before my actual birthday, Sam seemed just as eager to give me my gift as I was to get it. As I opened my eyes and saw what she had handed me, I could see why...

Holy Crap! Holy Crap! Holy Crap!
ALL THREE TALKING RICK JEANNERET BOTTLE OPENERS!!!! Just like the thing I talked about seven years ago when I posted my last blog! It's official, I'm on the clock to do something equally amazing for her birthday. At least I have until October...or is it September...August? Shit.

The last several episodes I have referred to my birthday this year as "MinchDay 2013: Taking it Down a Notch." It's kind of funny that it wound up being one hell of a spectacle, and not even because of anything I did!

Switching gears, I want to close by once again declaring my love for the city of Boston. I was absolutely sickened by the events during the Boston Marathon. In honor of it, I end with what I'll call "The Ed Heyman (Just a) Quick Story of the Day"

We were in Boston a few years ago and while the girls were shopping, Dennis, Jeremy, and I were having a few Sam Adam Boston Brick Red Ales at the Black Rose and watching the Red Sox game. In the game, Mike Lowell went up to bat after being benched several games. Mike was the World Series MVP in 2007 and getting up their in years. Out of love and respect for what he had done for the franchise, the crowd at Fenway, as well as the crowd at the Black Rose gave him a crazy ovation. He responded by crushing out a two run home run and both places went bonkers. A great memory from a great city.

Yes, that's my shoulder...
Continue to "B Strong" Boston, and with a great deal of love, respect, and a desire to return to normalcy I say, God Bless America, Go Sox, and Screw the Damn Bruins...


Thursday, March 14, 2013

Episode 47: Working Class Hero

I suppose the number one reason I felt compelled to FINALLY sit down and churn out a blog was to put to bed a vicious rumor that I have drunk myself into a coma as a result of the Buffalo Sabres. No friends, that rumor is only half true, so sleep well. In fact Sam and I went to a game recently. While the game itself was downright depressing (Buffalo Bills style depressing) the seats were pretty kick ass, thanks in no small part to my buddies at VIP Seats Dot Com

That game would mark the last time Lindy Ruff coached the Sabres, and the first time I saw my girlfriend almost get into a fight (in her defense the other girl was Canadian.)

As a Sabres fan, I am honestly torn between wanting to see the team make a heroic playoff run and wanting to see them bottom out and blow the team up. In my opinion, their GM is useless, and trust me I know a thing or two about having a useless GM. (Get it?!)

Is it just me or is time going by twice as fast as usual? I accept that that might be the Kentucky Gentleman talking, but honestly, it seems like free time has come at a very high................wait for it............PREMIUM (insurance joke)

 Yeah, yeah I know. Shut up. Seriously though, where the hell did the month of February go? And where is March heading to? St. Patrick's Day is this Sunday?! Coincidentally, that means it's been a year since I wrote this charming little St. Patrick's Day themed number. My point is, time's been flying by as I try to balance having a new job and a girlfriend...

How's that going you ask? Pretty awesome. Here's us at the previously mentioned Sabres game..

This was before the fight with the loud, drunk, Canadian girl.

So get this, Sam has met several members of my family....AND still wants to date me. I know, I don't understand it either. Maybe she just has a high threshold for families that are "Circus Trains on Fire" like the Minch Family.

As for the new job, we just moved into our brand new office. This place has been the boss' dream, and we have all had a hand putting it together...

At one point I had this grand plan of making a flash cartoon based on this story, but in an effort to be realistic, I'm just going to tell it. It was my very first day working. The Boss asked if I could come to the new office and help build furniture and set up. Anyone who knows me knows I'm "Captain Asshole" when it comes to building things, but this was LITERALLY the first thing my new boss had asked of me. No simply wasn't an answer. So I get there and put a couple of end tables together. I kind of surprised myself by being able to actually do it (a four year old could have) so I was feeling kind of strong. I decided for my next trick I was going to build a desk, a big ass, way over my head desk. 17 and 1/2 hours later I finished it--ish. Unless you gave it a really close look, it actually looked like a desk. Of course once you gave it a close look, you'd see it didn't have enough legs, the drawers were inside out and my watch is stuck in the middle, holding the whole thing together.

This is where the story should have ended. I should have grabbed my coat and hat, shook the boss' hand and headed home. But no, Captain Asshole asked if there was anything else he could do. The boss asked if I could hang a picture. Sure this may seem like a simple task to some of you, but to Captain Asshole, no such luck. I got up on the ladder, drill in one hand and the pic in the other. The end result looked like this...

Guess which one I did... (Dramatization)
The story REALLY should have ended there. I should have told the boss about my handyman short comings and said goodnight. But no, Captain Asshole decided to try again. I rested the power drill on top of the ladder and grabbed the picture. Only when I did, the corner of the picture hit the drill off of the ladder. 

"Oh no! The drill is going to break!" I thought, as it plummeted to the ground. Fortunately the drill was safe and sound. The same couldn't be said for the priceless fountain that was on the ground next to the ladder. That was smashed to bits. 

Ladies and Gentlemen: Captain Asshole's First Day of the New Job!

The office is now built and fully operational. I even have my own desk....

The job itself is going well. I'm still having a hard time getting over people automatically thinking I'm a bastard just for calling them, but like they taught in Regal school, Q.T.I.P. (Quit Taking It Personal) This also served as a reminder to clean out your ears, as the hotels in Tennessee are known for having ear mites.

I want to end this with a lesson. Don't hesitate when it comes to the important things. A month ago, Sam and I were at Sam's Club and I saw this...

Labatt Blue Light featuring a talking Rick Jeanneret bottle opener. As a broadcasting major, RJ is a personal hero of mine. I should have nabbed it right then and there, but I didn't. I balked. I figured I had just bought beer and I'd get it later. Shortly after, there where none of these cases to be found. Sam and I went back to the scene of the crime to make a last ditch effort to find one. Low and behold, buried in the stack of the beer cases was a box with the bottle opener!!! Sam and I tore through the pile like we were digging for gold and when we finally got to it...Someone, some red devil, son of a motherless goat, had opened the box and taken the bottle opener. As Alfred once said, "Some men just want to watch the world burn."  This is the Joe Biden Beer Cozy all over again. I am too late, and this is something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life...

Yep, it's a real thing. I missed out on this too...

Hey, switching gears completely, I want to welcome the two newest MvW fans to the world!

Cadence Lynn Rector (Congrats to Dave and Danielle!)

Julia Marie McNally (Congrats to Adam and Kristen!) 

Welcome aboard kiddos!

Well, this should make up for over a month of not posting. Next episode will be the MinchDay 2013 (Taking It Down A Notch) pregame special. Who will I invite this year? Bill Murray? Terry Pegula? Tony Avallone? We'll find out next time. Until then, thanks for reading!!!!


Monday, January 28, 2013

Minch's Summer of Love: Winter Edition

I make no bones about the fact that the circumstances surrounding "Event X" and the subsequent move back home turned me into a pisspot. While moving in general sucks, having to return back home with your tail between your legs because the Movie House pays slightly more than a sweatshop has a particular stink on it. When I think back to what bothered me so much about it, it all came back to the idea of regressing. Moving home is not something that someone who is turning 30 (MinchDay 2013: Taking it Down a Notch Coming Soon!!!) should have on their to do list. It is a giant step backwards...

...or was it?

It was the cut in rent and utility bills that gave me the courage to leave the Movie House once and for all. The extra couple of bucks gave me the chance to do something else I had been meaning to do, restart the old account. It seemed like a set up for failure. How would I address my current living situation? Lie? Tell the truth and run the risk of getting a drink tossed in my face? I decided to cross that bridge when I got to it and resigned up. This time there would be no pomp and circumstance, no accompanying blog. I would keep it to myself so when it all blows up in my face, I would have to answer to no one but myself and the Kentucky Gentleman. The Summer of Love was back, only quieter and in the late fall/early winter.

After the usually amount of ignored winks and "Thanks, but no thanks" auto messages, (Side note: Yeah, That's a Thing!!! Match will send you an automated "She's just not that into" message. Why not just ignore the message? That would send a clear signal to me...) I came across a profile that caught my eye. Maybe it was the red hair or the pretty face or the engaging profile that DIDN'T say she was looking exclusively for someone "Athletic and toned" but I knew what I had to do...


"Okay, I'm sure nothing will come of this but I'm glad I di----Oh shit, she winked back?!?!?!"

After the requisite number of Match message back and forth we decided to meet up for coffee. Not only did I get there slightly early, I went to the right place (an improvement!) As she walked in, the fact that I'm riddled with self doubt kicked in and I realized she was out of my league. This would be a brief evening of awkward conversation over high priced coffee, I might as well just get this over with.

...I couldn't have been more wrong.

There was something different about this first date. The conversation was comfortable, in fact too comfortable. Both of us delved into topics that were inappropriate of a first date. Like what you ask? Okay, how about Dennis' Bachelor Party? Yep, that came up. Also, the night only ended when the hipster running the coffee shop kicked us out, by that point we had clocked in 4 hours of conversation. Conversation that uncovered many striking similarities between her and I. The type of similarities that, if this were a sitcom, would make the audience go, "Oh Come on!!!" and angrily throw the remote at the television because of the lazy writing.

In the days and weeks that followed, we kept going out. Our dates would be sprinkled with little oddities and inconveniences (closed restaurants, no open bowling for two hours) that would plunge any other blossoming internet couple into an abyss of awkwardness. But not us. It was all a joke, and a funny one at that. I think what really sold to me that I was dealing with someone special was when I started doing an impression of a certain former boss of mine, and it sent her a fit of laughter. If stories about that guy can make her laugh, I'll have her laughing for years...

If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I have been single too long to be interested in the semantics of modern day relationships. I have no interest in spending six months "Talking" only to spend another six months "Seeing each other" which then leads to a prerequisite year of "dating" then finally being in a relationship. I say, if it feels right, go for the gold. Fortunately, she feels the same way, so that lead to this little update Saturday morning...


Well, it's about time I introduced you, my blog family to the newest character in MvW, my girlfriend Sam...

Shit, wrong Sam...
Here she is...

While I'm working on crafting a good pic of the two of us, I can tell you she's met enough of my family, friends, and coworkers this past weekend that you can save your Manti Te'o jokes.

As pissy as I was about the impromptu return home, I can't deny how much it has changed my life for the better. Things are better than they were two months ago, and will be even better in the months ahead. Sometimes a "blessing in disguise" is exactly that, and not just a half hearted catch phrase you say to your friend who can't stop bitching at the bar while you're trying to watch the game. Guess Zooey missed her chance...



Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Episode 46: I'm Feeling Good

You know what I've always liked about the Marvel movies of the last few years? The little "buttons" they'd put after the credits, usually dropping a bombshell or setting up what the next movie was going to be about. Yeah, those were always cool...

I tweeted the other day that never before have I had more to blog about and less time to do it. As I expected, I was promptly scolded for that. Fact is, the last couple of weeks I've been too busy living life to blog about it. But here I am, and lets go over what we missed.

Christmas-I got a Nook, a Jim Kelly jersey, and a shameful amount of alcohol.

Last shift at Regal-Sadly, it was like every single one before it.

The "Free At Last Bar Party"- It was a bar party, you can probably guess how it played out for your buddy.

New Years Eve: Two days after the bar party, so I opted to lay low.


Look, people smarter than I can make very astute arguments about why we should just say to hell with the NHL and the way they treat their fans. They are right, and the NHL plays off of how much their fans love the sport, but...I can't help it. It's the sport of my father, and his father before him. I can't not be excited for Sabres hockey. In fact, my reaction to the CBA agreement (the first step to the end of the lockout) was similar to this...

Well, I'm sure you must be curious about the new gig. The new job is, in a word, challenging. Perhaps internally you just went, "Uh oh," but a challenge isn't always something that is negative. If this job is challenging, then the old job was grating or annoying. Fact is, I have done the same thing for thirteen years, and I was never challenged. Sure my patience was tried, but that's a completely different thing.

Here, I am being asked to do something completely different, and that is a challenge. Truthfully, there is no better environment for me to take on this challenge in. Everyone from the boss on down has been friendly and welcoming. I'm no longer the Feeny-esque old guy manager in the middle of a bunch of teenagers who scoff at an American Pie reference. I am amongst peers who are genuinely interested in teaching me how to do the job well. Sometimes I don't know whether I'm too hard on myself or not hard enough. I know I'm going to "Get it" really soon, and everyone has a rookie season. Yes, this job is challenging, but your buddy is ready to meet the challenge...

So what the hell do I do know? I'm sure the new gig, (which I'm still struggling to find a "Movie House" like name for) will have a few stories, but nothing like the Movie House. I'm going to have to start filling this blog with Movie House Fan Fiction, like the time Tony and I went searching for the Lost Diamond of Regal and brought along a talking dog named Chester.

I know it's only January, but 2013 seems like it is the year of cautious optimism.

That's it for this one gang. I'd promise that the turnaround will be quicker next time, but that might be a lie. So I'll promise to try, or at least to try to try. Feel free to share this using socialized media and/or printing it out and mailing it to your family and friends. Thanks as always...


Oh by the way, in the midst of all this new job craziness, I've gone on a few dates too. With someone kind of, sort of, really awesome...