Friday, March 2, 2012

Episode #26: Vanek at the Disco

I recently went to our sister movie house to go watch Hugo 3D (pretty terrific by the way.) While there I talked to Joy, for those of you who don’t remember, she was the one who suggested I start writing a blog. Hell, she even came up with the title. God willing, if I ever turn this into a book, I am likely going to have to pay her off. Anyways, She gave me a suggestion regarding MVW:

“You need to start telling crazy date stories. You need more for the ladies who read.”

I thought covering the Hunger Games last week played to the ladies, but apparently that came off as mocking. On the whole, Joy is right, MVW is fairly male centric, what with it’s rampart talk of hockey and beer. Since I am currently in a legal dispute with my dating site “” I’m not sure I’ll have any crazy dating stories soon, so let’s go over things you ladies like, and we’ll see what we can talk about:

Things Girls Like:
Dance Moms
Yoga Pants
Wilford Brimley
Nicholas Sparks

That’s a fairly definitive list. I’m quite proud of myself. So ladies, as this episode is for you, I have created something I know you'll love: I've written a Nicholas Sparks movie. That seemed like a far better option than writing about Dance Moms, because frankly I have no interest in watching some fat lady scream at six years old. Oh You post about how terrible it is on Facebook, yet there you are watching that garbage. Anyways my Nicholas Sparks movie...

MVW Presents A Minchco Production 
Tyler Perry's
"As We Know it"
I realized when crafting this, there are only a handful of actors and actresses that Sparks fans will tolerate. Also you can't have the same pair teamed up together again or it will draw comparisons to other films. At first I thought about having Channing Tatum play the lead "Brent" but then I thought no I want an actor. So I went with that 9 year old who looked out of place in Remember the Titans-Ryan Gosling
Pay no attention to the creepy Crispin Glover look a like next to him.  

Ok female lead, "Alice" I can't go with Rachel McAdams, because then it becomes The Notebook. Can't go with Emma Stone because then it becomes Crazy, Stupid, Love. Ah Ha! The crazy eyed girl from all those terrible movies...

Oh Good, eye makeup, how would people notice them otherwise? 

Brent and Alice are a couple living in Los Angeles, they've been together for years. They are probably going to get married. but they're dragging it out just to be a pain in the ass. Actually no, they're engaged and they want to do a destination wedding, so both sides of their family are annoyed with them. Fiji? Do you know how long the flight is to God Damn Fiji? Anyways one night, Alice goes through Brent's phone and finds a bunch of flirty text messages from resident office skank Cindy. Cindy is played by Judy Greer, as she plays that role in every movie she has ever done. So Alice decides she's going to confront Brent about this when he gets home from work the next day. But while he's gone something unexpected happens... 


Ok I realize this concept has been done, but in this one, were taking the train off the rails: Zombies, Frogs, Flesh eating demons, Blood Rivers, Rivers Cuomo. It's the end of the world (as we know it --get it?!) So first off Brent and Alice have to find each other, which they do. Alice is being held captive by the Four Horsemen, as played by those three idiots from Twilight...

Weird Hair, Lady Stone Face, and Fake Abs
And the Fourth Horseman 

Ok, I fully admit this joke isn't for girls.
 After saving Alice, who still wants to bitch about the text messages, the two set off for Canada, who culturally won't see the Apocalypse for another couple of years. On this perilous quest they have to fight through Minotaurs, Hydras, and more zombies. Yet still, Alice keeps subtlety chipping away at Brent, even though Judy Greer has been dead for like a half hour. They find a stronghold seemingly untouched by the devastation. It's a recruiting post for God's Revelation Army. God is played by Albert Brooks, and the Arch Angel Michael is played by Yours Truly--hey if you don't like it, you write a blog dammit.


I'll give you three guesses who plays Arch Angel Michael Arch Angel Wife...

So Brent enlists, and while Alice is scared, she still is giving him shit. Right before the epic $300 million battle with Satan (Who I haven't cast yet, there are two options..).  

Option 1
Option 2
 Think about who needs the work more. So right before this epic battle, Brent turns to Alice and says, "Wait, honey are you mad about something?" (HA! Boy us guys are stupid!!!) Alice hashes it out with Brent, who apologizes but explains that he was flirting with Cindy, who oddly enough is his superior, so that he could scam another week of vacation for their honeymoon. Alice, while still not appreciating the means, appreciated the ends, and the two kiss before he goes off to war. While in the middle of battle Michael sees that Brent has the clearest shot to hit the Anti-Christ...

I always said the Anti Christ would be a Maple Leafs fan.
 So Michael throws Brent God's lightning bolt (ok, I slept through a few religion classes in HS) which Brent throws through the Anti Christ's heart, but kills both of them in the process. The battle is won, and Alice runs over to Brent's limp body and starts crying. Albert Brooks/God walks over and says, "SIM SIM SALABIM"  and waves His hands, thus resurrecting Brent. God thanks Brent and Alice for the help and offers to resurrect Cindy. They look at each other and simultaneously say, "Nah, we're good." and laugh as they walk away. 

Cue Credits and LMFAO's soundtrack hit: "Armageddon That Booty."

The End

And you're welcome ladies. I must say, that movie would be tits! Oops! I mean, that movie would be knockers. Well that's it for this one. Apologies to anyone who came here looking for something hockey related, sometimes the Episode titles are written before the episode itself. Please be a gem and share this with your twitter and Facebook pals. It's incredibly easy, just click the links below and it makes my day. Thanks!!!


1 comment:

  1. You've never seen a Nicholas Sparks movie, have you? Despite that, I would watch a movie where the Twilight vampires/werewolf hold a captive.

    Wilford Brimley - no idea what this means. Actress? Designer? New type of caviar? Destination spa?

    That Joy is pretty awesome. You definitely should pay her off for all her hard work. I hear her daughter has a birthday coming up in a few months and could use a nice gift.