Episode 28: Green Eggs and Ham

Those of you who know me understand that I enjoy the occasional spirit and/or libation. I promote drinking holidays such as "Blackout Wednesday" and "MinchDay" (see next episode). So naturally, when a holiday like St. Patrick's Day comes along, you all think I'm in my glory. The Bossman at the Movie House knows a time off request is on its way, and all other pressing business can be suspended until the next day (Hell let's make it two days after) But, St. Patrick's Day isn't just about going to the parade and seeing hundreds of douchebags and douchebaguettes pretend to be Irish while also pretending to be Italian. It's not about corned beef and cabbage, nor is it about the Holy Trinity

Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner

You see, to me, St. Patrick's Day is a day of remembrance and respect. I am in fact a quarter Irish. My grandfather, on my mom's side is full blooded Irish and before I wrote this, I wanted to explore my heritage and share it with you. I tried looking it up on Ancestry.com but that costs a fortune. Instead I skewed slightly cheaper and went to Sister Sledge's WeAreFamily.com and found out quite a bit about one of my relatives: Seamus Cortland Finnegan Burnett. There only exists two portraits of Seamus, and I'm proud to share them with you...

Handsome Devil

Seamus fought in the Great Irish War with French IndoChina

Seamus was born in 1725 to Potato(e) farmers Patrick Conan O’Brien Burnett and Molly Ryan Fitzpatrick Burnett. He was an only child, no no I’m just kidding, he had 32 brothers and sisters who all worked together on the farm. Life was tough growing up and Seamus dreamed of become a successful businessman. In 1751, even though he was in his 20’s and way past the life expectancy for that time period, Seamus left the farm in search of success and adventure. It was then that he met Arthur…

Guinness, Arthur Guinness...

Seamus and Arthur were immediately best friends, and in 1752 when Arthur’s godfather left him money in his will, it was Seamus who convinced him to open a brewery. It was also Seamus who famously added “000” to the 9 year lease Arthur had signed for the space where the brewery would be built. When the land owner, Sir Mark Rainsford challenged the lease, the local magistrate shot him, proclaiming, “What now? Bitch!” Seamus and Arthur famously debated what kind of beer they should brew. Arthur suggested they brew a beer, “As Chilled as the snow capped tops of the mountains.” Seamus contended that no matter how cold a beer was, it wouldn’t prevent it from tasting like piss. Arthur then suggested a beer that was, “Thrice hopped for a true Pilsner taste” Seamus contended that if NOT drinking pissy bog water beer was considered unmanly, then someone fetch him his petticoat and corset. Seamus suggested that they brew a porter, sort of a “beer milkshake.” It would have a thick head that you could, “Draw cool shit into, like a shamrock…or a pair of boobs” And so Guinness and Burnett’s or G+B was born.

One very sad day, Arthur and Seamus had a terrible fight. Seamus had proposed the idea of dropping a shot of whiskey into a G+B and chugging the whole thing at once. He wanted to call it a “London Scallywag” and dummies would pay top dollar for them. Arthur saw this as an insult and immediately threw Seamus out. He took his name off the product and made him forfeit any and all profits. Seamus wanted to complain to the magistrate, but he saw how well that worked out for the last guy. So he returned to the potato farm, having had his taste of success in business, but it wasn’t all bad for Seamus, as he met the lady who would become his wife on the way back home.

This bit keeps going until I get a Cease and Desist order

And while Seamus never found success in the business world again, he, his wife, Polly Boondock Saints Burnett, their 30 children found happiness. You see Arthur, while insulted, couldn’t just leave his old friend in the cold. So he sent him a case of Guinness every month for the rest of his life…

So this Saturday we drink to St. Patrick, to Arthur Guinness, and to Seamus Burnett my imaginary family member who helped make this holiday what it is. In all sincerity, have a wonderful and SAFE St. Patty’s Day. Remember: A glass of water after every two beers, and cabs aren’t as expensive as you imagine. Thanks for reading, and be sure to share this on Facebook and Twitter by clicking the little links below. It’s easy to do and honestly means the world to me.

Thanks,
Minch