Episode 29: Well I Guess This is Growing Up

Hey gang, it's been a while. You can blame Hunger Games for that. Four days, nearly 10,000 maniacs, 32 hours, two birthday parties, and as expected, hundreds of puffy paint tee shirts. Look, I get that you girls like this stuff, but I don't get the whole mania element, spending all that money on merchandise, showing up in costume, cheering like lunatics...

Wait, this is different! You get to drink at hockey games...

Hunger Games made literally Eleventy Billion dollars this past weekend, further proving that if you have a thing to sell, sell it to the ladies, starting at age 11. That is why I am working on selling the script to my Nicholas Sparks movie, "As We Know It"  I can imagine a world where girls arrive 12 hours early to see it wearing shirts with Albert Brooks and Arn Anderson on them. Did I see HG you ask? Piss no, I saw 21 Jump Street, because I like movies that are good.

So next week is my birthday, as luck would have I am turning 29. I swear I didn't plan this out, in fact I originally wanted to title this, "The Population of Pominville." Turning 29 has a really weird aura around it. It's like the series finale of my 20's, and frankly kinda makes me feel like I should start investing in becoming a person. Despite my shamefully long tenure, I promise I don't see the movie house as a career move. My rationale for that is, if I have to work on Christmas, it damn well better be something I truly love. I don't want to sit here and treat turning 29 like it's turning 89. Rather I will take this opportunity to review my Life's To Do List, let's not call it a "Bucket List" as I am not dying, and I don't want to be reminded how bad Rob Reiner is at modern day storytelling (Oh really, you want to argue that one? Go watch "Alex and Emma" and "Rumor Has It" then we'll talk)  Ok here goes:

Minch's Life To Do List 

 I have a lot of places I want to travel to, both at home (Chicago, Washington DC, Hawaii, California -again) as well as abroad ( London, Paris, Munich, Dublin, and Tokyo-ever since I saw Lost in Translation)

I want to see a baseball game in every single ball park (I've been to Fenway, PNC park in Pitts, Camden Yards in Baltimore, and The SkyDome, (yes, the SKYDOME) in Toronto.) So I have a good start. 

I want to both own Sabres season tickets, and one day drop the puck before a Sabres game. 

I want to spend a night hanging out with Bill Murray. I honestly feel like that is more possible than I imagine. 

I want to try my hand at Play by Play broadcasting. I feel like I could be good at it. Right now, the closest I come to utilizing my broadcasting degree is this 585-225-5810---Go Ahead, call it. 

Okay, that's a fine start. I feel like those, for the most part, are legitimate and obtainable goals. I mean of course I could go into the more far fetched and difficult goals like, host a late night talk show---I mean if George Lopez could do it as long as he did, I think I stand a chance, but let's start with the grounded goals and work our way up. 

And finally, on the off, and unlikely chance you're reading this, as I tweeted it to, Hi Zooey Deschanel. Hope you enjoyed this blog. You might be wondering why I tweeted it to you in the first place. Well there is this little shin-dig we're having next Friday at Paddy's Irish Pub in Rochester NY. It's called MinchDay--I didn't come up with it....someone else did....um....Topeck! My friend Topeck came up with calling it MinchDay. It starts at 8, and they are running specials on Guinness and Jameson's. Though I am sure they can get their one bottle of wine out of the basement if you wanted that instead. Don't ask for the house wine, you'll get Jamesons.  Anyways, if you're going to be in the Greater Rochester Area, and looking for something to do, you're more than welcome to join. No need to bring presents, unless you want to. 

Yeah, I guess the rest of you jerks my beloved blog readers are invited too. Just don't cramp my style if she shows up, and by cramp my style, I mean let me be belligerently drunk. Okay, thanks for reading gang. Feel free to click the links below and share with your Facebook friends and Twitter pals. I really appreciate when you do. 

Thanks,

Minch 

PS--to appease the Eckerts, The Sabres Won Minch Madness 2012.   

MVW Exclusive Interview with Michael Bay

This week Michael Bay won yet another battle in his never ending quest to piss off nerds by stating that in his live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles re-hash, the Ninja Turtles would be Aliens rather than their far more realistic origin story: Actual turtles who were adopted by a rat and got caught up in “ooze.” No word yet on how Vanilla Ice is taking the story.

While this story hasn’t even cooled off yet, Bay has decided to release plans for his next project, a live action adaptation of 90’s hit cartoon Doug. Bay admitted he wants to take the property into a new direction.

                                               

“The year is 2328, and the world is post Apocalyptic. A young boy and his robot dog have fled to Bluffington after witnessing his parents and hippie beatnik sister murdered by pirates. As he arrives he meets an alien named Skeeter who becomes his best friend. But Bluffington isn’t the safe haven Doug thought it would be. It’s run my Boss Bluff, and his rich family. His evil orders are carried out by KlotzBot 3000. Doug falls in love with a young prostitute named Patty Mayonnaise, who is also…uh…a robot! Yeah! A Robot Alien whose arm is a gun! So with the help of his friends and a wise old inventor named Dink, Doug sets out to save Bluffington, and avenge his family’s murder. And Chalky Studebaker is there too.”

For the sake of journalistic integrity, we asked Mr. Bay if he was making that up as he went along. He told us he had to go, because another dump truck full of Transformers money was being delivered to his house. Fun Fact: Megan Fox was driving the dump truck. We here at MVW Entertainment news aren’t sure how “Doug: Bluffington Falls” will turn out, but it’s safe to say it will be better than “Good Burger.”

Minch       

Episode 28: Green Eggs and Ham

Those of you who know me understand that I enjoy the occasional spirit and/or libation. I promote drinking holidays such as "Blackout Wednesday" and "MinchDay" (see next episode). So naturally, when a holiday like St. Patrick's Day comes along, you all think I'm in my glory. The Bossman at the Movie House knows a time off request is on its way, and all other pressing business can be suspended until the next day (Hell let's make it two days after) But, St. Patrick's Day isn't just about going to the parade and seeing hundreds of douchebags and douchebaguettes pretend to be Irish while also pretending to be Italian. It's not about corned beef and cabbage, nor is it about the Holy Trinity

Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner

You see, to me, St. Patrick's Day is a day of remembrance and respect. I am in fact a quarter Irish. My grandfather, on my mom's side is full blooded Irish and before I wrote this, I wanted to explore my heritage and share it with you. I tried looking it up on Ancestry.com but that costs a fortune. Instead I skewed slightly cheaper and went to Sister Sledge's WeAreFamily.com and found out quite a bit about one of my relatives: Seamus Cortland Finnegan Burnett. There only exists two portraits of Seamus, and I'm proud to share them with you...

Handsome Devil

Seamus fought in the Great Irish War with French IndoChina

Seamus was born in 1725 to Potato(e) farmers Patrick Conan O’Brien Burnett and Molly Ryan Fitzpatrick Burnett. He was an only child, no no I’m just kidding, he had 32 brothers and sisters who all worked together on the farm. Life was tough growing up and Seamus dreamed of become a successful businessman. In 1751, even though he was in his 20’s and way past the life expectancy for that time period, Seamus left the farm in search of success and adventure. It was then that he met Arthur…

Guinness, Arthur Guinness...

Seamus and Arthur were immediately best friends, and in 1752 when Arthur’s godfather left him money in his will, it was Seamus who convinced him to open a brewery. It was also Seamus who famously added “000” to the 9 year lease Arthur had signed for the space where the brewery would be built. When the land owner, Sir Mark Rainsford challenged the lease, the local magistrate shot him, proclaiming, “What now? Bitch!” Seamus and Arthur famously debated what kind of beer they should brew. Arthur suggested they brew a beer, “As Chilled as the snow capped tops of the mountains.” Seamus contended that no matter how cold a beer was, it wouldn’t prevent it from tasting like piss. Arthur then suggested a beer that was, “Thrice hopped for a true Pilsner taste” Seamus contended that if NOT drinking pissy bog water beer was considered unmanly, then someone fetch him his petticoat and corset. Seamus suggested that they brew a porter, sort of a “beer milkshake.” It would have a thick head that you could, “Draw cool shit into, like a shamrock…or a pair of boobs” And so Guinness and Burnett’s or G+B was born.

One very sad day, Arthur and Seamus had a terrible fight. Seamus had proposed the idea of dropping a shot of whiskey into a G+B and chugging the whole thing at once. He wanted to call it a “London Scallywag” and dummies would pay top dollar for them. Arthur saw this as an insult and immediately threw Seamus out. He took his name off the product and made him forfeit any and all profits. Seamus wanted to complain to the magistrate, but he saw how well that worked out for the last guy. So he returned to the potato farm, having had his taste of success in business, but it wasn’t all bad for Seamus, as he met the lady who would become his wife on the way back home.

This bit keeps going until I get a Cease and Desist order

And while Seamus never found success in the business world again, he, his wife, Polly Boondock Saints Burnett, their 30 children found happiness. You see Arthur, while insulted, couldn’t just leave his old friend in the cold. So he sent him a case of Guinness every month for the rest of his life…

So this Saturday we drink to St. Patrick, to Arthur Guinness, and to Seamus Burnett my imaginary family member who helped make this holiday what it is. In all sincerity, have a wonderful and SAFE St. Patty’s Day. Remember: A glass of water after every two beers, and cabs aren’t as expensive as you imagine. Thanks for reading, and be sure to share this on Facebook and Twitter by clicking the little links below. It’s easy to do and honestly means the world to me.

Thanks,
Minch

Episode 27: How Bizzare

Hello sports fans! We are ankle deep in March and you know what that means! It's just about time for that college basketball tournament that no one in media is allowed to say, (much like the Super Bowl.) Look, college basketball really doesn't do it for me. I won't take it away from anyone else, but truth be told, I invite three other sports into my life to cause me heartache, another would be simply masochistic. That said, I am certainly not going to let this kind of hype piss away, nor the opportunity to play into Double M alliteration. So I have developed a tournament. Eight schools will compete (I guess by playing basketball, but who cares) in the greatest tournament known to Man...

Shanks Calhoun's Pizza Delivery and Boil Removal Present

Minch Madness 2012!!!

We start with the school that didn't make it in again this year Rick Moranis' Gravedale High

This was a thing that happened. We miss you Rick.

They were eliminated from entering the tourney by our current top seed Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters

Yes, the actual X-Men play, not the students..

This school has managed to pull off amazing season despite the controversial exit of one of their assistant coaches...

It will be a great first round match up between them and the 3 seed, Hogwarts

Voldemort sits on the sidelines and heckles. Like a nose-less Spike Lee.

And don't worry, this bit isn't all nerd jokes. Our second game is our 90's nostalgia match up as the Bayside Tigers take on John Adams HS. Oh you don't know who JAHS is? You might recall a few of their students/faculty.

Damn right I got a pic with Max in it .

 

Whatever happened to the mullet teacher?

Our next round features a team that, if America was smarter, would be constantly beating the everloving shit out of the other team. It's Greendale Community College up against William McKinley High (Glee)

If this gets cancelled, you will ALL suffer.

They've killed more great songs than Kidz Bop

     

Our last game is a bit of a surprise match up Making this an international affair, coming to us from the fictional land of Canada. Degrassi High School.

Oh Drake, this is why Common Called you "Canada Dry" 

Believe it or not, this may be the game to watch. Given Degrassi's track record, there may well be a stabbing, a student getting pregnant, a coach getting robbed, and an abduction of a student's parent. What the hell goes on in Canadian High School? (Certainly not Hockey Fan Civility 101.) Their opponent is a surprise pick up for Minch Madness...

ON THE WARPATH!!!

THE BUFFALO SABRES!!!! Most of you probably never heard the edited portion of Terry Pegula's first press conference. After stating that the first objective of the team was to win a Stanley Cup, he then said, "but hey, winning Minch Madness would be neat."

So here are your brackets for the Tourney...

Um, Okay, so what next? I guess you can vote the four first round winners in the comments below or on The Ole MVW Facebook page Hey be sure to share this lunacy with your friends on Facebook and Twitter, by easily clicking the links below.

Thanks!

Minch

Episode #26: Vanek at the Disco

I recently went to our sister movie house to go watch Hugo 3D (pretty terrific by the way.) While there I talked to Joy, for those of you who don’t remember, she was the one who suggested I start writing a blog. Hell, she even came up with the title. God willing, if I ever turn this into a book, I am likely going to have to pay her off. Anyways, She gave me a suggestion regarding MVW:

“You need to start telling crazy date stories. You need more for the ladies who read.”

I thought covering the Hunger Games last week played to the ladies, but apparently that came off as mocking. On the whole, Joy is right, MVW is fairly male centric, what with it’s rampart talk of hockey and beer. Since I am currently in a legal dispute with my dating site “Blackpeoplemeet.com” I’m not sure I’ll have any crazy dating stories soon, so let’s go over things you ladies like, and we’ll see what we can talk about:

Things Girls Like:
Dance Moms
Wine
Gossip
Yoga Pants
Wilford Brimley
Nicholas Sparks

That’s a fairly definitive list. I’m quite proud of myself. So ladies, as this episode is for you, I have created something I know you'll love: I've written a Nicholas Sparks movie. That seemed like a far better option than writing about Dance Moms, because frankly I have no interest in watching some fat lady scream at six years old. Oh You post about how terrible it is on Facebook, yet there you are watching that garbage. Anyways my Nicholas Sparks movie...

MVW Presents A Minchco Production 

Tyler Perry's

"As We Know it"

  

I realized when crafting this, there are only a handful of actors and actresses that Sparks fans will tolerate. Also you can't have the same pair teamed up together again or it will draw comparisons to other films. At first I thought about having Channing Tatum play the lead "Brent" but then I thought no I want an actor. So I went with that 9 year old who looked out of place in Remember the Titans-Ryan Gosling

Pay no attention to the creepy Crispin Glover look a like next to him.

 

 

Ok female lead, "Alice" I can't go with Rachel McAdams, because then it becomes The Notebook. Can't go with Emma Stone because then it becomes Crazy, Stupid, Love. Ah Ha! The crazy eyed girl from all those terrible movies...

Oh Good, eye makeup, how would people notice them otherwise? 

Brent and Alice are a couple living in Los Angeles, they've been together for years. They are probably going to get married. but they're dragging it out just to be a pain in the ass. Actually no, they're engaged and they want to do a destination wedding, so both sides of their family are annoyed with them. Fiji? Do you know how long the flight is to God Damn Fiji? Anyways one night, Alice goes through Brent's phone and finds a bunch of flirty text messages from resident office skank Cindy. Cindy is played by Judy Greer, as she plays that role in every movie she has ever done. So Alice decides she's going to confront Brent about this when he gets home from work the next day. But while he's gone something unexpected happens... 

THE MOTHER-EFFING APOCALYPSE

Ok I realize this concept has been done, but in this one, were taking the train off the rails: Zombies, Frogs, Flesh eating demons, Blood Rivers, Rivers Cuomo. It's the end of the world (as we know it --get it?!) So first off Brent and Alice have to find each other, which they do. Alice is being held captive by the Four Horsemen, as played by those three idiots from Twilight...

Weird Hair, Lady Stone Face, and Fake Abs

And the Fourth Horseman 

Ok, I fully admit this joke isn't for girls.

 After saving Alice, who still wants to bitch about the text messages, the two set off for Canada, who culturally won't see the Apocalypse for another couple of years. On this perilous quest they have to fight through Minotaurs, Hydras, and more zombies. Yet still, Alice keeps subtlety chipping away at Brent, even though Judy Greer has been dead for like a half hour. They find a stronghold seemingly untouched by the devastation. It's a recruiting post for God's Revelation Army. God is played by Albert Brooks, and the Arch Angel Michael is played by Yours Truly--hey if you don't like it, you write a blog dammit.

 

I'll give you three guesses who plays Arch Angel Michael Arch Angel Wife...

So Brent enlists, and while Alice is scared, she still is giving him shit. Right before the epic $300 million battle with Satan (Who I haven't cast yet, there are two options..).  

Option 1

Option 2

 Think about who needs the work more. So right before this epic battle, Brent turns to Alice and says, "Wait, honey are you mad about something?" (HA! Boy us guys are stupid!!!) Alice hashes it out with Brent, who apologizes but explains that he was flirting with Cindy, who oddly enough is his superior, so that he could scam another week of vacation for their honeymoon. Alice, while still not appreciating the means, appreciated the ends, and the two kiss before he goes off to war. While in the middle of battle Michael sees that Brent has the clearest shot to hit the Anti-Christ...

I always said the Anti Christ would be a Maple Leafs fan.

 So Michael throws Brent God's lightning bolt (ok, I slept through a few religion classes in HS) which Brent throws through the Anti Christ's heart, but kills both of them in the process. The battle is won, and Alice runs over to Brent's limp body and starts crying. Albert Brooks/God walks over and says, "SIM SIM SALABIM"  and waves His hands, thus resurrecting Brent. God thanks Brent and Alice for the help and offers to resurrect Cindy. They look at each other and simultaneously say, "Nah, we're good." and laugh as they walk away. 

Cue Credits and LMFAO's soundtrack hit: "Armageddon That Booty."

The End

And you're welcome ladies. I must say, that movie would be tits! Oops! I mean, that movie would be knockers. Well that's it for this one. Apologies to anyone who came here looking for something hockey related, sometimes the Episode titles are written before the episode itself. Please be a gem and share this with your twitter and Facebook pals. It's incredibly easy, just click the links below and it makes my day. Thanks!!!

Minch