Episode 23: How Angels Ought to Smell

Welcome lovebirds to the Minch Vs. The World Valentine’s Day Episode. Truthfully, I was going to wait until we were a little closer to V-Day to post this, but I was bursting with good ideas for this one, so here we are. What is this single guy doing for V-Day? Am I going to be alone in my apartment with the lights off, drinking away what’s left of my liquor cabinet, while watching On Demand episodes of New Girl and gently weeping? I wish I was going to be having that much fun! Nope, I am at the Movie House!!! It’ll be the Minch and Maslyn show that evening, and we have already set a goal for how many people we’ll ruin the night for. Sure, you can call it vindictive, we like to call it industrious! And gentleman, as she is dragging you by the scrotum into either “The Vow” or “This Means War” (By the way, I have seen a small handful of Tom Hardy’s movies, I wouldn’t know him if he was standing in front of me.) Maz and I will be there, judging…

So how does a single gentleman handle a blog episode centered around Valentine’s Day? Do I mourn it, and vow that I’ll one day find the right girl and…oh God I just got douche chills. Do I rail against the holiday as being the work of a corporation trying to manufacture lovey dovey bullshit? No, I’m not Daria. I am going to do something completely different. I am going to help you. Ladies and gentlemen, this is my V-Day gift to you: Minch Vs. The World Valentines! The concept is simple, print out this blog, use nice paper--don’t be a savage, and give this to your guy or girl. Be sure to write “To: and From:” on the back because I can’t do everything for you. Ok, You have four to choose from…

The Standard:

The One With the Swear!

                      

The Adorable One

The Overly Ambitious*

*Ok look, if you use #4 good on you, but if it doesn’t work out, MVW takes no responsibility.

I have a feeling these are going to be a hit. Ok, so it’s been 23 episodes and a couple of specials, so I feel like we are on the level. I can share information with you and be free of judgment. I’ve been on a dating site for a while, and it’s been in a lull as of late, perhaps you, my Smarmy Army can diagnose the problem. Here’s my profile pic:

I know what you're thinking. I should have a goblet of wine too. I'd look like a King!!!

Username: Dr. Love PHD.
Age: 28
Height: 5’9 (6’0 in my Chucks)
Weight: Robust
Hair: 89%
Interests: Hockey, Beer, Baseball, Beer, Movies, Jameson’s, Zooey Deschanel

I’m not going to go through and write my entire profile paragraph, but here are a few choice statements.

“I’m looking for a girl willing to whip out the pepper spray if I’m losing a fight with a Canadian after a hockey game.”

“I’m Sorry, I just don’t get the appeal of Big Bang Theory.” 

“Don’t you hate when you give the thumbs down to Mumford and Sons on Pandora, and like 10 songs later they try sneaking another one of their shit songs on there? Really Pandora?!”

I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong with this. It might be because I’m on Blackpeoplemeet.com, do NOT accidentally type Blackpeoplemeat.com, because you will not find a girlfriend on that site, you’ll find dongs.

And finally, I end with a story of the best ending of a date ever. This young lady and I went to Salena’s for beverages one night. I had met her through a different site CaptainShanksFunTimeHookUps.org She was incredibly nice, and pretty, and red headed (Plus!) We talked for a couple of hours, and I thought things were going fairly well. We went to leave, and were having that parking lot, “what happens next” moment. Before I could say good night, and move in for failure, fate stepped between us…

Fate was 6 foot tall transvestite. This wasn’t a, “Hey do think that might be a guy?” No, it was like Tommy Lee Jones decided to dress in Betty Rubble wig and pink dress. And that’s how you kill a mood. We both walked off moments later. Epilogue: We never spoke again.

I tell this story not as a tear open a wound, but as a story of hope for you! No matter what happens to you on V-Day this year, at least Tammy Lee Jones wont ruin your moment. Your welcome, and Happy Valentine’s Day

Minch

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