Howdy! Say, am I the only one that is having a little trouble getting Christmasy without at least a little snow glaze here in Rochester. I understand the insanity of wishing for snow in this city, but a little crusting of December snow adds holiday ambiance. Please feel free to throw this back into my face in January when we get 12 feet of slushy brown shit snow.
Speaking of Christmasy, I am using this day off today to begin my shopping. For those of you unfamiliar with my holiday habits, this is fairly unheard of. I usually prefer to go days before Christmas, as I make better decisions when I am under the gun. Every year I romanticize Christmas shopping, thinking that I’m going to go out there and find great stuff for everyone and be done in an hour. Then reality strikes, Christmas shopping is a frustrating pain in the ass. I usually strive to have at least one “Home run” every year. One gift where I really feel like I nailed it. Everything else can bloop single, or me making it to first on an error. Even I no longer understand the baseball analogy, so we’ll move on…
The people who are easiest to shop for, are the ones who wear their interests on their sleeves. This is why it is, and has always been notoriously difficult to shop for my mom. Let’s compare and contrast, if any of you were to buy me a Christmas present (I’m not saying you have to but it would be nice, and I could use an iPad) you could probably figure something out without any prodding from me due to my interests, even just from being stated here and on The BookFace.
Minch’s Interests: Sabres, Red Sox, Beer, Chicken Wings, Movies, hipster girls, and being amazing.
Out of that, you could probably get at least a little something that I would enjoy. Now let’s apply that to my mom, or as you all lovingly know her, Rumple Fran.
Fran’s interests: Daisy the Dog, …um wine? …cover bands at Pelican’s? Kindly serving as drunk bus for all three of her kids?
There is a reason that God damn dog is first and the only one without a question mark. So you see what I am dealing with. My sister in law is kinda the same deal, but I at least know she likes Rascal Flatts, so if FYE is having a sale on terrible music I’m in luck. I’m just kidding, I’d never shop at FYE.
Every year, Fran says to just get her a gift card to the Del Monte spa. Yeah that’s great except, I gotten her that like 12 years in a row, and with a gift like that, once its gone it’s gone. I like a tangible gift, like a toy…because I’m six years old. I’m going through this whole rant NOT TO MOCK anyone, as I am sure I will be accused of, and/or called an asshole, but rather to express that I would like to get a superior gift for Fran this year, though I may just get the damn gift card…
I would like to tell you about an element of my job at the movie house that you may not know existed. As “Marketing Manager” part of my jurisdiction, (now technically the only part) is organizing and hosting kiddie birthday parties. For some, this may strike you as surprising. Frankly, it surprises me, but here’s how this came to be.
About five years or so ago, we had an influx of people requesting kiddie parties. In those days, no one was in charge of them, so anyone could schedule parties, and the end result always seemed to be, “Surprise Minch! There’s a birthday party! Go do stuff for it!” I figured since these were going to be dropped on my head, I might as well take over the whole thing so I can implement a system. Thus I crowned myself “Birthday Czar” which is the equivalent of saying, “Well if I’m going to get shot in the leg, then at least it’s going to be with MY gun and MY bullet.” I assume that was Plaxico’s logic.
Here’s what’s weird about these parties, kiddies find me hilarious. I find that troubling. Granted, I am able to filter my comedy routine, so I’m not cursing like a sailor or making references to Perfect Strangers. I have a handful of stock kiddie jokes for birthday parties, like the following:
“Tim Connolly walks into a bar. He’ll be out 6-8 weeks”
No, not really. In fact I stole the shit out of that one. Truth be told, when I give a tour of the projection booth, it’s always the same tour. If you see me out and have 10 minutes, ask me to do the booth tour, I can give you the script pillar to post, every joke, every cadence. The Chief of projection and I are the only two people that do them, and if he is doing the tour, they get one that has actual information communicated in a warm fatherly way. With me, it’s jackass hour.
Under my reign as Czar, there has been no lack of wackiness, and misadventures. Two birthdays booked on the same day for the same movie, with only ONE party room? You bet! A bird flying out of the party room and attacking the birthday boy? Damn right! A party showing up 20 minutes after their movie started? Why of course! Movie House Birthday Parties: One of the Reasons I Drink!
This was on my mind today as I had my last birthday of the year yesterday, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Here’s hoping that by the time the next one rolls around, the phrase, “If only Minch were here.” gets said…No, not because I’m dead, because I have a new job. Jesus, what’s wrong with you?
Well I suppose I should start shopping, though I’m considering getting everyone a leather bound copy of this blog. It’s the gift that keeps on giving. After reading Alyssa’s blog over at http://chocolateismylife-us.blogspot.com/ (which you should as well) I have come to realize that this thing is bare bones. It needs some colors, and pictures, and a sponsorship from a prominent beer company, (I’ve turned down Utica Club like three times.) MVTW needs some sizzle to go with the already delicious, well cooked, and perfectly seasoned steak. I will consult her on how to do this, so stay tuned. As always, thanks for reading. Now be a gem and leave some comments, like this on Facebook, Retweet it, and print out a copy to shove in your coworkers face. That way we can accomplish my goals of becoming rich, impressing the ladies, and sticking it to all of my peers who decided to go out there and get real jobs…jerks!
Minch
PS: If you got either of the references in my last two episode titles, just know that I'm very proud of you...
No comments:
Post a Comment