Episode 14: Minches in Paris

Hey everybody!!! How was your Christmas? And your Hanukkah? How did Kwanzaa treat you? Festivus? Alright, glad to hear it. My Christmas was downright decent. A sizable portion of it was spent working at the movie house. In the spirit of honesty: if you show up to the movies before 3pm on Christmas day, I hate you. Alas, it was a fairly uneventful shift, and I didn’t miss much by way of Christmas dinner--the family stuck around as per usual, and there was a shit ton of food left, (Fran would have it no other way.)

I broke a 28 year tradition on Christmas eve. I missed church in favor of a nap. In my defense, I did have to wake up at asshole o’clock to cash my check, and go get Fran’s Christmas present. I’ll be honest, it felt weird. I relapsed on being a lapse Catholic. Say a quick Novena for me to keep my soul fresh.

Hey, the Bills beat the Broncos!!! I would like to state for the record my ambivalence towards Tim Tebow. I don’t care. I do not like nor dislike this individual. On Saturday, he was playing against the team I like, so I wanted him to not win. Beyond that, I do not care. The argument I consistently hear is that he throws his religion in everyone’s face. Yeah, I don’t know about that one. Can we really blame him that ESPN has made him the go to story now that Brett Farve is off hunting pigs or whatever the hell people do in Mississippi? All he has done is won some football games in the awkward confusing fashion that seems to fit for him and his team--who are also contributing to the victories, but you don’t hear about that quite as much. In summation, I do not understand the hate for John the QuarterBaptist, but most importantly, I do not care. Oh, and Colin Cowherd’s a dick.

Moving on, if you’re reading this from western New York, it’s snowing like a bastard out there today. This is fairly disappointing, as it’s my day off and I wanted to piss away all the gift cards I got for Christmas. It isn’t often that I have purely disposable income to buy toys with, so when I get it, it burns a flaming white hole in my wallet. So here I am, relegated to blogging and doing laundry. Fun Fact: Laundry is the only situation where the despicable Jim Crow laws still apply. Two loads: White and Not White. But Mike don’t you separate reds and blues and…NO! 1)White 2) Not White 3) Towels 4) Jeans? What? Who the hell washes jeans? Ah, the joys of being a guy.

My roommate Jeremy has begun a regimen of eating well and exercising this week. I know! What the hell, right?!?!?! You are supposed to wait until NEXT WEEK to do that. You can’t do that now, because…you…umm, are supposed to wait until next week. Episode 15 is going to be about resolutions, and my top one: “Recreate 08.”  I’ll explain that next time, (Hot Damn, a teaser. And a catchphrase) In the meantime, I just want to state that it is an inconvenience trying to beast Christmas candy, while someone is eating bags of steamed vegetables. Also, I worked with my friends Kyle and Maz the past two nights, and we are 2 for 2 on going to Denny’s after work. Oh Jesus, that streak needs to end…

And finally, the other day I swung by Fran’s house to pillage Christmas dinner leftovers, my sister Kristin and her boyfriend what’s-his-name were watching MTV’s Friend Zone. Those of you not familiar, it essentially follows some poor bastard or bastardette as they breakdown and tell their long time friends that they have feelings for them. Ok, admittedly, the episode that was on featured two cute rocker emo girls, and that sort of roped me in. Then they showed a few in a row where it ended nicely, and both parties liked each other, and I became lulled into thinking the show had a sweetness to it…

Then there was an episode about this kid who liked his friend’s sister. The kid was nerdy but sort of acceptably and she, well I hesitate to say chubby, but was solid, but very cute. There, the stage is set. The montage they showed really made me think this kid had a shot. Yes, I understand the magic of editing. With proper editing, you could paint me as a Tea Party endorsing Yankees fan. First, he asks the brother’s permission, and the brother agrees but tells him that he’s “kinda pissed.” Why, you idiot? He asked if he could take your sister on a date, not ravage her on a subway you God Damn Neanderthal.

Anyways, he asks her on a date, she agrees. They are at some beer joint, when he starts spilling his guts. This whole time, mind you, she’s walking the line-as a viewer I have no idea what the hell she’s thinking. After he’s finished, she tells him that she’s shocked, and what he said, “melted her heart.” This apparently meant “Green Light” in his mind as he went in for the kiss…Game over. She pulls back, offers a ’thanks but no thanks’ and SCENE.

Ok, granted it’s my fault for watching something on MTV that isn’t Beavis and Butthead. But what the hell is the appeal of this bull shit show??? I felt miserable after watching that. Are we as a culture so obsessed with awkwardness, that a show like that has come to be. I didn’t even feel awkward, which I believe is the intended response, I felt sad. It trudged up every time I had been kicked in the chest, which I shall now list below…

No, not really

Damn you MTV and all of your programming, except Beavis and Butthead. And Serena Altschul, she’s okay too.

Okay Buddies, that’s it. Thanks to the cool cats who posted this link on their Facebook. You can do it too by clicking the little F link below. It would be downright decent of you. Next episode is the end of the year spectacular, featuring my Top Ten Countdown of the best… something 2011, I don’t know, I’ll drum up something. For now, peace and love.

Minch