Episode 12: How the Minch Stole Christmas

I begin with a fun fact: In high school, we actually mapped out the idea of doing a production of, “How the Minch Stole Christmas” for our morning announcement TV broadcast, or “Morning Update.” It was overly ambitious, as we even tried to get the chorus involved. Unfortunately, reality set in, the show was only 15 minutes, and was meant as a vehicle to let students know Crispitos were for lunch, and they had past due library books. A great script was written for it, and I’m sure I have it somewhere. Perhaps it will come to reality when I get that NBC Christmas Special.

Speaking of Christmas Specials, with my shopping all but done, I’ve been spending my time watching them and Christmas movies alike. Yesterday for example, I pulled the triple feature: Scrooged, Love Actually, and in my heart, the reigning champion: Christmas Vacation. Ok first I’ll let you get all your smart ass comments out of your system because I watched and very much enjoy Love Actually. Say what you want, it’s damn funny, it has Mr. Bean, and there’s boobies. To me, that’s a win all day.

Part of what works with Christmas Vacation is that I watch it once a year, on DVD, I have no tolerance for cable versions. That’s probably the best way to handle Christmas films. What’s that USA network? Does it suddenly feel hotter in here? All I’m saying is maybe we don’t need an all weekend marathon of Elf every weekend from Thanksgiving on. Put down your pitchforks friends, I’m not saying I don’t like Elf, how could I? You all know that movie has a certain someone I perpetually reference and think is wonderful: Leon Redbone (as the snowman!) Let’s sprinkle this film in a little more sparingly. Lord knows you have plenty of terrible shows to fill any void this would leave (No, I will never watch nor acknowledge Burn Notice.) I’m ok with how TBS or TNT, whoever the hell it is, handles A Christmas Story. Within the 24 hours, I usually manage to piecemeal the entire film together at least once, then I wont watch it again til next year. Of course if it is TBS, they may try to boost ratings by dubbing it “Tyler Perry’s A Christmas Story.”

So Bon Jovi’s dead. I hope the Philadelphia Soul wears JBJ armbands next season out of respect. Personally, I have been listening to “It’s My Life” at half volume out of reverence. Yes, I know he’s alive. Although his message verifying that said, “Heaven looks a lot like Jersey.” Which means he ended up in Hell. This story broke on a BLOG! That automatically means it isn’t true. 90% of people who write blogs are assholes, and you better believe I am in that percentage. So, are there no ramifications for pulling a death hoax? A Blogger or Bloggette can just go around claiming someone is deceased? Let’s Find out:

(For full effect please begin playing Kansas’ Dust in the Wind while reading.)

On behalf of everyone here at Minch vs. the World, it is our unfortunate duty to report to you the untimely passing of beloved Hanna Barbera 2nd tier character: Wally Gator  

                                                                  (1962-2011 RIP)

Gator was found dead in his Bel Air penthouse, and while the toxicology report won’t be made available to the public until after the new year there is rampant speculation that it is the result of an accidental overdose of black tar heroin. Gator was famously barred from the Laff-A-Lympics after failing a drug test implemented by the Yogi Yahooey’s Captain, Yogi Bear. He was immediately offered a position on bad guys team whose name I don’t remember, but he declined. He is survived by Mr. Twiddle the zookeeper, and his longtime domestic partner Snagglepuss. May angels lead you in Wally Gator, may angels lead you in…

Ok, a couple of things, 1) I could have gone on for about eight pages making Hanna Barbera references that no one understood, (Don’t believe me, Lippy the Lion M’Fer!!!)  2) If this leads one person to look up the Laff-A-Lympics, I have succeeded. 3) The bad guy team was the Really Rottens, it seemed funnier for me to not know.

How was the sweater party you ask? Why damn terrific!!! Here's a shot of the Magnificent Minch Brothers from that night.

                                                          Merry Christmas Ladies

Since I’m sure you are all wondering, my gift for the grab bag was a recordable storybook version of The Night Before Christmas, as read by yours truly. It was chock full of assholery, and when my friends said they would let their future kids listen to it one day, it prompted me to yell out, “OH GOD NO!!!” I received a pair of monk salt and pepper shakers. They are as awesome as they are terrifying. I’ll try to slap up a pic of them so they can eat your soul through your computer. This has become one of my favorite Christmas time traditions.

That’s it for this episode. As always thanks for reading. If you enjoyed this, why not be a gem and put a link to it on your Facebook page. Also, any likes, retweets, and comments are appreciated. I’ll pop in with one more before Christmas, so I’ll save my holiday greetings til then

Minch